DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Ever since I started dating, I’ve mostly been with emotionally abusive men. I don’t actively look for them, in fact it’s quite the opposite. I try to go for the safest options and they all turn out to be genuinely awful people. It’s gotten so bad I’ve wondered if maybe it’s me who turns them rotten, if maybe I’m just attracting what I deserve. I get love bombed and as soon as they pull away, I am hooked. The worse they treat me the more desperate I become to prove to them that I am worth their love, even if deep down I know they are not good people.
I can’t help it, I am like an addict when it comes to emotional neglect. Maybe it’s because my dad left me twice as a child and I grew up in an abusive household. Maybe it’s because my own parents don’t seem too interested in me. Either way, I am a mess when it comes to love. I’ve only ever been in two genuinely loving and healthy relationships with two amazing men. They are caring, kind, mature, gentle. They both showed me so much love. One of them is my current boyfriend. He is a walking green flag. He is literally the best guy any woman could date, but for some reason I try to find faults in him. I feel like I am always looking for an excuse to break up with him in the future.
I constantly think about some of my crappy exes and even dream about them. I know I don’t love them anymore and that I am much better off without them, but I still feel like I need their validation even though we don’t talk. I just know I have the sweetest, gentlest man as my boyfriend and I have been tempted to ruin it so many times. We barely ever fight, and the few times that we do he is so mature and understanding he makes me want to be my best self and do the same.
I don’t know what to do. Why can’t I be happy with him? Why do I look back at horrible relationships that left me broken when I have all the things I’ve ever wanted in a man right in front of me? I adore him, so why do I feel like I’m bored sometimes? Why do I look for reasons to push him away the more he wants to be with me? It was the same with my other good boyfriend, to the point I ended up cheating with a disgusting and creepy guy I didn’t even feel attracted to (never told my ex so I wouldn’t hurt him more). I ended up saying I was struggling with personal stuff and I couldn’t put all of that on him so it was best to break up. I just didn’t want him to think it was his fault or that I didn’t love him, so I lied. I don’t want to do the same again. Neither of them deserve someone messed up like me.
Red Flags Look Like A Parade
DEAR RED FLAGS LOOK LIKE A PARADE: Before we get to the meat of your problem, I feel like this needs to be said out loud and repeatedly: you don’t “turn people rotten”. Nobody does that. Toxic people prey on others and they’re very good at disguising themselves. This is why it seems like a good relationship goes bad. It’s not that you “changed” them or “corrupted” them, it’s that they kept their s--tty side hidden until they had you locked in.
Nobody “attracts” toxic partners and abusers; they’ll show up all on their own. The important thing is to recognize them for what they are and refuse to let them stay when you do.
But that’s ultimately not the thing we should focus on. We need to address the core issue here, not the symptoms that spring from it.
You’re not the first person to go through this. You’re not even the first person to write in about this problem this year. This is something that a lot of people experience. And much like with All The Wrong Places”, the key to getting through it is to recognize what you’re doing and why.
The ironic thing is, you actually put your finger square on the reason in your letter: “Maybe it’s because my dad left me twice as a child and I grew up in an abusive household. Maybe it’s because my own parents don’t seem too interested in me.”
As the other Savage would say: “Well there’s your problem!”
Now, it’s certainly possible that there are issues of incompatibility with your partners. Even the greenest of flags don’t necessarily mean that they’re right for you in all the ways that you need. But at the same time, you’re repeating a pattern in your life that you’ve experienced since childhood – a pattern of neglect, abandonment and abuse. Both of these can be true. But if I’m being honest, the latter is a much bigger issue than the former and much more likely.
You were a child and children are sponges; they take lessons on board even when people don’t realize that those are the lessons they’re teaching. And you grew up being taught that the people who are supposed to love you will treat you badly, ignore you and leave you.
Small wonder that you react the way you do. You spent some of your most impressionable years trying desperately to get the attention and affection of people who would hurt you, neglect you or abandon you. When you’re used to chaos, stability and safety feels wrong. There’s an understandable temptation to lob emotional grenades into a safe and secure relationship because chaos and strife are what you’re most familiar with and, perversely, the most comfortable with. It may even be a way of trying to test the limits and strength of the security they bring you; it’s understandable that you wouldn’t necessarily trust safety and want to prove that it’s all a trick or a trap. After all, it’s a hell of a lot easier to blow things up than it is to build and when you’re hypervigilant for threats or traps, you’re going to find them… even if they’re not actually there.
Again, much like All The Wrong Places, the key isn’t to address the surface issues, it’s to address the foundational problem, the core wound. In this case, it’s pattern of mistreatment and anxious, insecure attachment. These are things that need to be addressed with the help of a professional – especially someone who understands how neglect and abuse can shape people’s future relationships. Unpicking those knots and recognizing your patterns are the first step to breaking them. It will make it much, much easier to recognize toxic partners for what they are and to kick them to the curb and to appreciate safe and secure partners for their worth and to value what they bring to the relationship.
So do yourself a favor and hie thyself to the therapist. Work on those feelings from your childhood and your relationship to your family. Start building the capacity for trust and security within yourself. When you can, you’ll be in a much better place and you’ll come to your relationships – present and future – with clear and open eyes and a heart ready to accept love and to accept that you’re worthy of love.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com