DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I guess I need help in terms of making sense of a bad run. I’ve had a few first dates over the last 6 months and none of them have really gone the way I’ve wanted them to, some of which I’ve talked to you about. These are all people I’ve met through grad school, and there was a trend with them where I had either met them through class or through a friend, gotten to know them, and asked them out. Often the first dates seemed to go pretty well. The most recent one was someone I had felt was interested and asked out a couple days after our class, and we had played a couple of card and board games at a bar. It seemed like we were both really enjoying ourselves and we were joking around a lot, and by the end of the date we had gotten pizza before leaving, and they became quite touchy after, and gave me their number after the date (we only connected on social media) and we had talked about seeing a movie. However, the day after, after they agreed to the day, they mentioned that they just wanted to be friends and hoped I was cool with it.
I’ve had this happen before; once with a girl I have talked to you about who was 5 years older than me, and another one who essentially everyone warned was using me. As well, they all had a lot of similarities; all of them were older than me, with the current one also being 5 years older than me, being an out of province student who was going back once the masters ended in August. As well, they were all suffering from depression. The current one had mentioned they had been depressed for the last few years, expected to be depressed forever, and that they had been on medication at one point and that they thought they probably should be on medication. The other older one had also disclosed that she was depressed and going through financial issues as well, and had an ex they told me was the only ex they had that really ‘counted’ and they seemed to be in frequent contact with them, although she said it wasn’t romantic. I wrote to you about another one in “Was I right in Cutting Contact with my Crush” and it was essentially the same deal. Now, I often relate to these people because I have struggled with depression in the past. However, right now it’s kind of under control; I’m medicated and I am seeing a therapist. Obviously I have my off days, but for the most part I’m functional.
With all this, I guess there’s a part of me that’s wondering what the issue at play here is. It has felt like I’ve been having a bad run lately, which makes me feel hopeless because I would like to find someone, and I’m wondering if it’s my fault these dates aren’t panning out. I’ve been told I’m quite funny but I have an issue with sometimes stepping on peoples toes verbally I’ve heard. However, I’m also aware that these all had things that would’ve worked against them; all being depressed, the age differences, and being in the nightmare that is grad school probably didn’t speak to these working out, especially because this program is only one year and right now there’s only 5 months left. It’s also making me feel a bit hopeless, or like I’m kinda f--ked and that I’m never gonna find someone, whereas other people don’t struggle with dating and can find someone, even when this is only my anxieties speaking. It’s a bit demoralizing, and I’m wondering if you have any advice for both dealing with this, and for maybe screening out partners in the future? I just feel so demoralized after all this; I’ve been single for over a year now, and frankly it would be really nice meeting someone and having it work out.
Thanks,
Bad Run
DEAR BAD RUN: One of the first things I tell the people I work with who are having long-running recurring issues with dating or relationships is to start looking for commonalties. What sorts of things keep coming up, what do each of those dates have in common, are they all falling apart the same way at approximately the same time and so on.
The benefit to this exercise is two-fold. First, it gets you top start taking a critical eye to your circumstances. Once you start examining those relationships in more depth and looking for patterns, you engage parts of your brain that can help you recognize things that you might not have noticed consciously at the time. When you start really looking for things that seem to happen every time, you often end up identifying issues that you may not have been aware of. Those help point you towards deeper issues that have been lurking beneath the surface; the more obvious problems may be symptoms, rather than causes.
The second is that it helps break the cycle of helplessness; you’re taking actual steps and starting a process of action to try to identify and solve the issue. This reminds you that you’re not, in fact, an entirely powerless pawn in the hands of an uncaring universe. You have agency and are reminding yourself that you can do more than sit there and mope about it.
Fortunately you’ve started the process. And… well, damned if that’s not a surprisingly specific set of commonalities among those women. The age gap and the issues with depression being the biggest commonality is interesting and something being that specific suggests that there’s more to be unearthed here. At the very least, this suggests that there’s something about these women that you respond to but that also is contraindicated to a relationship with you.
As easy as it would be to say “well, it’s simple: date people closer to your age and who aren’t dealing with untreated mental health conditions”, that’s not actually helpful. It’s a little like the George Costanza theory of “listen to whatever my instincts say to do, and then do the opposite” – great for a gag in a sitcom, not so much for real life. That’s still dealing with a surface level issue; you’d be on the lookout for symptoms of something that may well be more fundamental than just “look, I like grad-school goths”.
I suspect it’s worth digging further into this. What, precisely is it about these women who seem to share an age and mental health issues that you vibe with. Does something about their behavior – behavior that may be caused by their depression – appeal to you? Is there something similar to how they act, to their basic outlook or other aspects of them that makes them more appealing?
Now, the tricky part is that you need to look at yourself as much as you look at them. This can be hard, especially when you have your own struggles with depression, because this can easily turn into self-blame. It’s really important that you see this as trying to resolve a problem and make things better, rather than treating it as “it’s all my fault” and using this situation as something to punch yourself in the nuts with. But this sort of recurring situation may well be a sort of “check engine” light for your own growth, development and emotional health.
Is it possible, for example, that their depression means that they’re not putting as much effort into their presentation and so they feel a little less intimidating than someone who’s gotten up and put on a full face and did their hair before going to their program? Could it be that there’s a part of you that recognizes their depression and their struggles and thinks “well, this might mean that they’re more likely to accept me as a potential partner?”
Or is it possible that there’s a hint of White Knight Syndrome going on – since you’re experienced with keeping your depression under control, you feel like you can help them somehow and this will “earn” you a relationship with them? That it would mean that they “need” you in a way a different person might not?
Or, in another direction, is it that you feel a sort of kinship as someone who has struggled with similar issues and that shared experience feels like a sort of maladjusted compatibility? Or that you recognize something of yourself in their struggles?
If that’s the case, then that would be a suggestion to look inward – that perhaps you’re self-sabotaging in a way that would indicate that you don’t feel like you “deserve” a relationship or you’re selecting for relationships that you know aren’t likely to actually work out. This happens a lot with people who struggle with self-worth and depression issues; it’s both a self-inflicted punishment (‘how dare you think you’re worthy of someone who actually cares for you?’) and a sort of self-preservation, a perverse way of keeping yourself safe.
The more you puzzle out why you keep going to this particular well, the easier it’ll be to figure out what the underlying issue is and how to resolve it. It’ll also make you more mindful about the people you’re trying to date; recognizing the why of it all makes it easier to effectively filter out people who are wrong for you… especially if it’s that very wrongness that’s drawing you in.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com