DEAR NATALIE: I recently made a comment online that was taken out of context and blew up on social media in my small town. Now, I’m facing backlash from people in my community. My daughter says that this is a common occurrence and has informed me about cancel culture. I’m feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how to handle the situation. A few of my close friends are standing by my side but recently I was harassed at a restaurant when we were out to lunch and now they are a little uneasy about going out to eat again. How can I salvage my reputation and ensure that I do not lose these connections in my town? How can I explain to people where I was coming from in my comment? – CANCELED
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DEAR CANCELED: It can be difficult to navigate when the online tide turns on you. My first question for you is: Are you a public figure in your community? If you are a community leader, you may need to take extra (more public) steps to remediate the situation. Regardless, a good way to start would be to write a letter to yourself. Get out everything you feel about this situation. If you feel as though you’ve been wrongly accused of something, write it down. If you feel angry or frustrated, put pen to paper. Write a letter to yourself, acknowledging what happened, letting out any and all feelings and then burn the letter. No really. Burn it. Because now that you’ve got that out of your system, you can write a post for public consumption. And guess what? It won’t have any qualifying statements in it. For instance, when you apologize, stop after you say that you are sorry. You don’t add, “but here’s the ten reasons why I was valid in my offensive behavior…” Nope. You just apologize. You acknowledge what it is that hurt people. Show sincere remorse. Keep it short and to the point. Don’t digress or bring up tangential arguments. Remember, this apology isn’t for you and it isn’t about you. It’s about recognizing the harm you caused others and wanting to repair. Then leave it there. Lay low for a while. The good thing about the world we live in is that people will be onto the next thing before you finish writing your apology post. If someone approaches you in public or harasses you, don’t engage with them. Don’t give anyone any reason to film anything. Just walk away and hopefully this will blow over…whatever it was. But do take some time to reflect on what landed you here in the first place, what your responsibility is moving forward, and how you can improve your communication skills in the future so that you can avoid another incident. We all deserve the space and grace to grow and to be forgiven. I hope you allow yourself those gifts during this process.
DEAR NATALIE: The anniversary of my mother’s death is coming up. It’ll be two years. I find grief to be weird because we had a very difficult relationship. She had a lot of mental health issues and was abusive towards me, but in the end, I took care of her until she succumbed to dementia. My brothers didn’t visit her much or engage with her when she was sick. I was the oldest child, so I took care of them and shielded them from her, too. I asked them if they wanted to do anything with me to commemorate her passing or visit her at the cemetery. They said no. They also didn’t understand why I would want to visit her when she was so mean. They want to forget her. But I have a hard time doing that. I’m going to be 40 this year and I think it feels significant that she isn’t here for this. I know she was hard. But she was my mom. Should I bother trying to do something to honor her memory? I feel abandoned by her. – CONFLICTED BY GRIEF
DEAR CONFLICTED BY GRIEF: Grief is a funny thing and it’s different for everyone. You are allowed to have your process and connect with your mother’s memory however you need to. If visiting her gravesite brings you healing or a sense of closure, then do that. If you want to write her a letter and read it to her, do that. Whatever you need to help heal, I encourage you to seek it out. Some people choose grief therapy. Others want a support group. Some people pick up a new hobby or interest that their parents engaged with to help them feel closer to them. The reality is, now that she is gone, the relationship can change. You can still speak with her. You can share with her what you wished you had gotten from her. You can dream about what your relationship could have been had she been in a different place in her own life. You are allowed to process this loss however you want. Losing a parent is a profound and transformative experience in life. Having a difficult mother doesn’t make the loss any easier to bear, so do what you need to do to feel at peace.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
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