Q: My son's fifth-grade teacher says he's been lying to me about school. I'm devastated! He's always been honest with me. I'm trying hard to instill trust and good values in him. How can I teach him not to lie?

A: It's an ongoing process, and you're wise to focus on it now.

"Fifth-graders approaching middle school are moving slowly from an external locus of control -- where significant adults in their lives chart their path -- to an internal one, where they take the wheel and navigate decision-making, covering all sorts of critical life events, including those connected to health and safety, such as underage drinking and other drug use," says Stephen Gray Wallace, a school psychologist and director of Susquehanna University's Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE), in Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania.

In truth, your son has probably lied for several years. Studies show "that by their 4th birthday, almost all kids will begin lying to avoid getting in trouble," says Wallace. "Research shows that many kids learn to lie by observing their parents lie or at least shave the truth. Some parents encourage children to tell 'white lies' to avoid hurting someone's feelings."

What can you do establish truth and trust?

Express disappointment, not "devastation," says Wallace.

"Getting emotional gives your son's lies too much power," he says. "Behavioral therapist James Lehman's studies show that some kids will lie because of the excitement factor."

Don't call your son a liar; distinguish between the person and the behavior. Labeling him puts him in a corner.

Establish and enforce consequences for lying that make the child uncomfortable in some way.

"This discourages future lying," says Wallace.

For many families, an apology is one effective consequence.

"If he's been lying to you about homework, have him pen a note to you and one to his teacher promising to be forthcoming in the future," Wallace adds.

Communicate that consequences are about enforcing family rules, not morality. "Make it clear that lying is wrong, but make enforcement about meeting behavior standards you expect," says Wallace. "It's more effective to say: 'You broke a law we have agreed you will follow. When you break rules, there are consequences.'"

Make time to talk often. Listen without being judgmental.

"Kids are more likely to tell you the truth if they're not afraid you'll overreact," says Wallace.

If your son knows that you do not ever want him to smoke, for example, "You have to be willing to listen calmly when he tells you that a friend's older brother is offering him e-cigarettes," says Wallace. "This kind of listening takes patience and time."

To set the stage for listening, "One mother frequently picks up her 12-year-old from school, rather than have him ride the bus," notes Wallace. "She takes a long way home to hear what's on his mind. It gives them opportunities they rarely have at home."

As your son becomes more independent, Wallace says these conversations continue to be important.

"When you aren't there to listen or react, you want to be able to trust that he will make safe choices and be personally accountable for his actions," he says.

For more, visit eCAREforkids.org.

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

Q: One of my partner's and my New Year's resolutions is to become more involved in our kids' school. Our work makes it impossible to volunteer or attend meetings during the school day. What other activities make a difference in helping them succeed?

A: It's useful to have met with your children's teachers at least once during the school year, preferably early so you can build a relationship. But the most important things you can do to boost your children's school success happen within your family -- in the attitudes you foster and activities you pursue with your kids on nights and weekends.

"Research gives us new ways to think about parent involvement," says Bill Jackson, founder and CEO of GreatSchools.org, a national organization dedicated to guiding parents in getting a great education for their children.

"What this couple should resolve is more involvement in their kids' education," he says. "There's a difference. There's nothing wrong with active parental participation at school, but the real drivers of school success are the things parents do outside of school -- the standards you set and the beliefs you hold about achievement."

Jackson outlines the drivers that matter.

-- Prepare children for learning. "This means making sure that kids get good nutrition, exercise, quality sleep, are on time for school and have good attendance," says Jackson. "You can't learn if you're absent. This may seem like a no-brainer, but there's a lot of learning lost when kids are tired or hungry in class."

-- Partner with teachers. Solve problems collaboratively. Don't automatically accept your child's version of every issue.

"Seek out great teaching, too. It's OK to request the best teachers," Jackson advises.

-- Support literacy and numeracy development. "There's not enough time for adequate math and reading skills practice in class, so supplement at home," says Jackson.

Cultivate key skills early. Read and talk with children daily. Engage in number talk and problem solving. Ensure math-fact mastery. Guide kids to higher-level math.

-- Build knowledge. "This means model curiosity; talk about new information, books and ideas," says Jackson.

"Make connections to topics children are studying. For example, use the spelling list to build vocabulary by spotting the words used in various contexts. Discover and feed kids' interests. Do they love 'Star Wars' movies? Take them to NASA.org to explore past and future Mars expeditions. Show your kids that learning is fun by being a lifelong learner yourself."

-- Build character. Help kids become emotionally intelligent and resilient.

"Promote enduring values kids can fall back on," suggests Jackson. "Foster a growth mindset, the belief that our most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work -- that brains and talent are just the starting point. This keeps kids from giving up and thinking, 'I'm just not good at that.'"

-- Advocate for excellence; choose great schools. "Speak up for high standards," advises Jackson. "Know school strengths and weaknesses. Choose high-performing, good-fit schools for your kids."

-- Put college on your kids' radar early. "Talk about post-secondary pathways," says Jackson. "Set the expectation as early as elementary school that they will go to college. Don't wait until they're freshmen and discover that they should have worked harder at algebra."

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)

Q: I don't look forward to this holiday break. Our four preteens from a newly blended family like the structure of school, but fall apart on weekends: bickering and competing for attention. In January, they have state testing, so I plan to do some homeschooling during vacation. Are there any good online test prep sites?

A: You want to turn the holidays into a study hall? You'll get the Grinch of the Year award!

"I understand the desire to replicate successful routines during stressful times, but practicing math facts over Christmas is likely to backfire," says Marissa Gehley, founder of KNOW (Kids Need Our Wisdom). "Kids need a breather, so forget the test prep. Focus on family-building activities. Everyone will be emotionally stronger and go back to class in a fresher frame of mind."

Develop new family traditions: Rituals add joy and structure to holidays. Since you're a newly blended family, create new traditions to observe. For example, the family might decide to create a holiday recipe book and add to it each year. Or have a family movie night, enjoying classics such as "Elf," "The Polar Express," "The Muppet Christmas Carol," "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," "Miracle on 34th Street," "It's a Wonderful Life" and "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Discuss the themes and lessons in these movies.

Create a New Year letter: When two families come together, there's news to share. Let kids create the family's holiday greeting. It could be an email, an annotated slide show posted online for friends, or a printed card. Ask everyone to contribute an original piece of writing, art or a photo.

Give back: There are plenty of opportunities for families to volunteer this time of year, from collecting for Toys For Tots to stocking food pantries. Check doinggoodtogether.org to find a good fit. Or use the search tool at networkforgood.org to find projects for families.

Make a 2015 family resolution: What can the family do together to foster enjoyment and take the stress out of everyday life? It might be planning a family pizza and movie night each month; check commonsensemedia.org for reviews. Alternatively, "you might decide as a family to train for and participate in a 5K run or a bicycling event for a charity you all can support," says Gehley.

That resolution might also include scheduling regular family dinners. What kids really want, says Gehley, is more time with their parents. Meals are a good place to find it. Studies show that when families regularly eat dinner together, kids eat better, have fewer eating disorders, get better grades and are less likely to abuse alcohol and drugs.

"Dinner-table conversations give parents opportunities to check in on academic, behavioral or physical changes. You gain more insight than simply asking, 'what happened in school today?'" says Gehley. "Whatever activities you choose to enjoy together over the holidays, your newly expanded family is likely to be grateful for the opportunity to learn, grow and play together. Nothing allows the brain to work at full capacity like a loving, healthy and engaged home environment."

(Do you have a question about your child's education? Email it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com. Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher. She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City.)