DEAR ABBY: I will be having my second child in a few weeks. My mother is coming from her home in Malaysia to help for the first month I am back from the hospital.

I am grateful for her help, but I am also worried. She strongly believes in spanking and slapping her children and grandchildren. I was raised that way. In Asia, spanking is a common form of discipline in schools and homes. I am against it.

Last night, I was talking to my mother on the phone. My 3-year-old daughter was tired and began crying. I told Mother I would call her back after my daughter was asleep. My mother told me to slap her. I was horrified.

I told her I do not spank or slap my child. My husband and I believe in "time-outs." My mother doesn't think they are effective. I told her that slapping a child could cause damage to the eardrum and deafness. I even told her that when she spanked me as a child, I hated her for weeks. It made me a more rebellious kid. Naturally, she disagreed. She said she had spanked my nephew with a cane a few days earlier.

Abby, what do you suggest I do to "knock" some sense into my mother's head? I don't want her to spank my 3-year-old when she cries. -- DESPERATE MOTHER IN TEXAS

DEAR MOTHER: A good talking-to is a far more effective way to discipline children than hitting them. Corporal punishment not only destroys a child's self-esteem and trust, but it also enforces the idea that "might makes right."

Hitting a child when he or she misbehaves means that the adult has "reacted" instead of using the situation as an opportunity to teach more appropriate behavior. Children learn best in an atmosphere of cooperation, through teaching, discussion and observing adults who display responsible, loving, self-disciplined behavior.

When your mother arrives, you and your husband must make it clear that you will not tolerate hitting or slapping. Explain that you want your daughter to love her grandmother, not fear her and dread her arrival. If the child should misbehave, make it clear that you or your husband will handle the discipline -- and then show her how you do it.

Contrary to popular belief, you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. Perhaps your mother will learn from your example. If she doesn't, she must not be left alone with her granddaughter.

DEAR ABBY: Your recent letters about people during World War II who betrayed themselves by customs and mannerisms reminded me of a joke that made the rounds during that time: If military guards were on duty and a stranger approached, the guards would ask him to prove he was an American by singing the SECOND verse of "The Star-Spangled Banner." If the stranger knew the words, the guards knew he was a spy. -- KATHRYN WEEKLY, LAKELAND, FLA.

DEAR KATHRYN: Funny! Even if someone knows the lyrics of the first verse, the melody is so difficult to sing that few true-blue Americans have mastered it.

DEAR ABBY: As a baby boomer "coming of age," my hair has gone from brown to 60 percent gray. When filling out forms and documents that ask for color of hair (like driver's licenses), what should I write? -- PRE-SENIOR MAN IN ARIZONA

DEAR PRE-SENIOR: Since you're more than 50 percent gray, I'd say it's time to grin and declare it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 21 years. I have a 17-year-old daughter and a 14-year-old son. For the past year, my family life has been a living hell.

My wife and daughter refer to me –- and all men –- as "stupid." At first, I took it as a joke, but it has escalated to the point where I can't open my mouth without hearing, "You men are so stupid!" If I ask what's for dinner, it's, "Don't be so stupid. Look for yourself." If I ask the time, it's, "Men are so stupid. You don't even know how to tell time!"

My wife and daughter enjoy their "jokes" and even do "high-fives" to congratulate themselves on their cleverness. I have asked them to stop, but they say I am "too sensitive." I started keeping a diary of their remarks. I was told I was stupid 35 times in four weeks!

I love my wife, but I can't stay in this marriage if they continue to insult me. It is poisoning my relationship with my children. Before this, my daughter was a good kid. She is now a little monster with my wife's blessing. When I try to discuss this with my son, he shrugs it off. I fear what this is doing to him.

I suggested that we get counseling. My wife said no and told my daughter, who then accused me of being the "oppressor."

Abby, what should I do? –- STUCK, BUT NOT STUPID

DEAR STUCK: Your wife's behavior is angry and hostile. Her treatment of you is disrespectful and not funny. Worse, she's modeling that behavior for her daughter and undermining your relationship with your son.

Since your wife refuses to go with you to counseling, you must go alone. I guarantee that when you do, you'll gain enough insight to possibly face a difficult decision.

Please let me hear from you in six months. I care.

DEAR ABBY: I am a great-grandmother with a unique hobby. A large number of four-leaf clovers grow in my yard. I pick them and give them to people who are sick, or mail them to friends just to let them know I care.

I picked 14 of them and mailed them in a card to my favorite author, Stephen King, when he was injured. Most people seem to enjoy them, and I hope he did.

My friend says that people will think I'm strange or superstitious, but I think most of us like to know someone cares and is thinking of us.

I have never had anyone refuse a bouquet of four-leaf clovers, but maybe they are just being kind. Do you think I should stop sending them? –- CURIOUS IN ELWOOD, IND.

DEAR CURIOUS: Absolutely not. I'm sure that any person who receives a bouquet of four-leaf clovers would consider him- or herself lucky to know you.

P.S. Thank you for the ones you sent to me.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me how many times it is necessary to say "God bless you" after someone sneezes continuously. Must you "bless" someone every time he or she sneezes, or is it OK to stop at one?

I work in an office full of sneezers -– allergy season is upon us –- and I'd really like to know. –- GETTING PESKY OVER POLLEN

DEAR GETTING PESKY: After the first sneeze, proclaim a blanket "God bless you." Once is enough.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

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DEAR ABBY: I read the letter today about the lady who warned about drinking and cooking at the same time, because she fell asleep and almost burned the house down.

Ever since I was a child, my mother told me about how my great-grandfather, Charles Gabriel, would write hymns along with his good friend, Samuel Clemens. They would sit at the same table and share a bottle of gin between them while they created their celebrated masterpieces.

My mother received royalties from his saintly work until her death.

Today I do most of my creative work in the kitchen while drinking. I'm not driving. I usually have some beautiful music in the background, and never once have I "fallen asleep" like "Karen in Tampa" did. I enjoy every minute I spend in the kitchen, and so do those who join us at our dinner table.

Please don't give responsible drinkers a black eye. Just think what turn our American literature would have taken if we had removed that bottle of gin from Mark Twain's table 120 years ago! –- ONE OF A LONG LINE OF DRINKERS

DEAR DRINKER: ... and Dashiell Hammett's and Dorothy Parker's and F. Scott Fitzgerald's, to name a celebrated few. Some of our gifted writers might have been "less entertaining," but they would have lived longer.

DEAR ABBY: You mentioned obsessive-compulsive disorder in your answer to the wife of the farmer who hoards useless objects in their cluttered home. You told your readers that help was available.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterized by fearful and repetitive thoughts (obsessions) and senseless rituals (compulsions) that temporarily reduce the fearful thoughts. Hoarding is one of several forms of OCD. Other forms include contamination obsessions and washing or cleaning compulsions, persistent doubts, such as whether or not one has locked the door, and the urge to count, order or "even up" objects.

Please let your readers know that the Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation is a great resource. The national OC Foundation and many local chapters exist to educate people about this treatable neurological disorder; to help them locate qualified professionals in their area; and to give people the information and support they need to manage their OC symptoms so they can lead happy, productive lives.

Abby, people can contact the national OC Foundation at (203) 315-2190, or at Web site: www.ocfoundation.org. Readers will be referred to local groups across the United States. –- SUSAN A. RICHMAN, PRESIDENT, METRO CHICAGO OC FOUNDATION

DEAR SUSAN: Thank you for your helpful letter. An estimated 5 million to 6 million people suffer from this problem. I'm sure they and their families will be relieved to know you are there for them.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the article about the Easter lily causing the death of a cat, I thought I had better write to you.

Two years ago during our Easter dinner celebration, we moved our Easter lily to make room for some guests. We relocated it too close to our cockatiel, and after he nibbled some of the petals, we later found him dead.

So, Abby, Easter lilies aren't safe for birds either. -- MARGARET IN TUCSON

DEAR MARGARET: What a sad story. Perhaps the safest place for the Easter lily was on the poor little creature's grave. Bird lovers, be warned.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

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