Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do about my mother-in-law's unwelcome involvement in my home. She goes behind my back to rearrange furniture, buy decor "gifts" and take care of chores (often making things worse). Yesterday, I came home to find my dishes and silverware had been moved, new rugs and pillows in my living room, and my bedroom nightstand had been replaced!

I have asked her to please talk with me first, and have asked her to stop altogether. My husband stands with me, but she keeps doing it. I don't want to ban her from our home; my husband is her only child. Is there anything else we can do? -- HURT IN SANTA ANA

DEAR HURT: Your mother-in-law isn't trying to be helpful; she's trying to be the dominant female in your home. Stop "asking" and tell her to quit the accessorizing and rearranging because her efforts are not helpful and they are making you angry. Then collect the pillows, the nightstand, etc., and return them to her or donate them to a thrift shop. If she has a key to your house, get it back. She should also not be allowed in your house unless she's supervised.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, I was arrested for domestic violence against my wife. We are still married, but since then, I have become antisocial.

I don't like to go to public gatherings where I know the friends we used to hang out with will be, and I rarely communicate with them. I am extremely embarrassed and feel they are judging me. What do I do? -- ANTISOCIAL IN OHIO

DEAR ANTISOCIAL: Stop hiding. You aren't "antisocial"; you are ashamed of what you did -- and that's a good thing. Many abusers lack that capacity, and because of it they are unable to change their behavior.

I assume that after your arrest, you received counseling and have been able to find outlets other than violence for your frustrations. If you have, let your friends know about it. True friends won't judge you -- and people who do are not friends.

DEAR ABBY: During a conversation with my daughter "Jessica," who is a graduate student, I mentioned that one of her teenage cousins who attends a nearby university is getting poor grades. Jessica replied that she wasn't surprised. She said she knows her cousin drinks and parties a lot. Jessica went on to say that "Kristin" asked her to buy liquor for her once, but she refused.

My daughter asked me not to tell my brother and sister-in-law what she said because she felt it would be betraying a confidence. I'm unsure what to do. On one hand, I know underage drinking is common. On the other, I would feel horrible if anything bad happened as a result of my silence. Should I tip them off or keep my mouth shut? -- TORN IN IDAHO

DEAR TORN: "Kristin" appears to be immature, and her priorities are misplaced. Her grades might improve if she lived with her parents while taking classes until her judgment improves.

Ask yourself this: If the situation were reversed and the girl with the problem were your daughter, wouldn't you want to be told? If the answer is yes, then notify your brother and sister-in-law.

A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: Tonight is the night when wee witches and goblins collect their loot. Please supervise them so they'll be safe. -- Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My best friend is getting married. She left me a message asking me to be a bridesmaid. Of course I'm honored, but I don't know what to do. I dislike her fiance. He is disrespectful and mean to her and to their son.

I can't stand up with them and pretend to be happy for her when I think she's making a terrible mistake. I want her to marry someone who will be nice to her. Help! -- CONFLICTED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CONFLICTED: If standing up with her will make you feel like a hypocrite, then don't do it. But recognize that if you don't, it will distance you from her. If your friend's relationship is dysfunctional now, just wait until after she and her fiance are married, because it isn't going to magically get better. This young woman is going to need all the support she can get from her friends in the years ahead.

DEAR ABBY: Every year, my children choose to attend Thanksgiving with their in-laws or friends rather than come to our home. Then they ask me to prepare a celebration the day after or another day.

My husband and I feel left out. It's plain that we are considered "second" and the kids come only because they feel guilty. Preparing a meal is expensive and time-consuming. We would like to celebrate on the actual holiday.

I think we should be treated with more respect. I also feel like telling these ingrates to stay home this year because we have decided to donate our time to a homeless shelter. Your thoughts? -- LEFT OUT IN LEXINGTON

DEAR LEFT OUT: I can see why your feelings are hurt. In fairness, I think your children should alternate with which in-laws they spend the holidays.

If you would prefer to make or serve Thanksgiving dinner at a shelter, you should do it. Many people volunteer their time during the holidays, and at other times during the year, and find it gratifying. However, when you inform your children about your plans, try to keep the anger out of the tone of your message.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 11 and my dad is a drug addict. I'm not allowed to have contact with him because of his past choices. People would look down on me if they knew -- like my own teacher. She was being snoopy at the beginning of the year and asked me a bunch of questions about my family, and now I feel like she doesn't treat me the same. -- DISTURBED IN SPOKANE

DEAR DISTURBED: Your father's "past choices" are not your fault, and you should not be blamed or judged for them. If you haven't already told your mother that your teacher questioned you about your family at the beginning of the year, that you answered her honestly and now you feel you are being treated differently because of it, you definitely should. And your mother should discuss this with the teacher because the questions she was asking may have been appropriate.

DEAR ABBY: Smoke alarms are one of the greatest fire safety success stories of our time. Since they were introduced in 1975, home fire deaths have been cut in half, even as the nation's population has increased by half. But far too many people let the batteries in their smoke alarms wear out, or even remove them to avoid occasional nuisance alarms. And too many people -- and their families -- pay for their neglect or poor judgment with their lives.

About 2,500 people a year die in structural -- mostly residential -- fires. According to the National Fire Protection Association, more than 60 percent of them -- over 1,500 people -- are dying in homes that had either no smoke alarms or no working ones. That's more than three people a day.

This fall marks the 27th consecutive year the International Association of Fire Chiefs (IAFC) will partner with Energizer, the manufacturer of batteries, flashlights and lanterns, in the Change Your Clock Change Your Battery program. Together, we're asking people to test their existing batteries or install fresh ones in their smoke alarms in conjunction with the end of daylight saving time on Sunday, Nov. 2. It takes only a few minutes. This will not only give families critical early warning time to escape a fire, but also helps to protect our firefighters by reducing the likelihood they'll have to enter a burning home to rescue someone still inside.

Your daily column helps people improve their lives. Please help me save lives by printing my letter. Thank you, Abby. -- FIRE CHIEF G. KEITH BRYANT, IAFC PRESIDENT

DEAR CHIEF BRYANT: You're welcome. It's tragic to read and hear about families who have died because of something that could have been so easily prevented.

Readers, I'm giving you notice. Friday is Halloween, and Saturday night at bedtime is when you'll be turning your clocks back to standard time. Please remember to add smoke detector batteries to your shopping list this week. That way, they'll be at hand when we check our smoke alarms to ensure they are working properly.

No procrastinating! Home fires happen more frequently during the cold winter months, so protecting yourselves and your families at this time of year is particularly important.

DEAR ABBY: I have a T-shirt I bought when I was younger and wilder. It has a filthy message on it, so I can't donate it to charity, and I'm even embarrassed to throw it out. I'd hate to, because I have worn it only once. It seems wasteful to throw out something in such good shape.

What should I do? -- MORE MATURE NOW

DEAR MORE MATURE: People who wear T-shirts with filthy slogans send a message that they either agree with what it says or think it's funny. Because the shirt no longer "speaks" for you, wear it when you're alone in your house, or admit you made a mistake in buying it and turn it into a dust rag.