Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I run a local chapter of an online fan group. We are getting T-shirts made and I asked everyone to vote on the colors for the shirts. After most of the group members agreed on two colors, one of them said her son, who has Asperger's syndrome, does not allow those colors in their house and asked if we could use different ones.

I'm sympathetic to her child's needs, but at the same time, I told the group that the majority vote wins. What should I do? I don't want to offend her, but I also don't want to go back on what I told the group. -- MEREDITH IN GEORGIA

DEAR MEREDITH: I assume that these T-shirts are not meant to be worn all the time. Suggest to the woman that she not wear the T-shirt when she's at home, but only when she's involved in fan group outings. That should solve the problem.

DEAR ABBY: I was at the hairdresser yesterday, and when I went to the register to pay, the receptionist asked me if I was over 65 "so I could get the senior discount." Abby, I am only 55! I found her question insulting, and several of my friends have had this same experience. I appreciate the young woman trying to save me a couple of dollars, but I'd rather pay full price than be asked if I want the discount.

Why don't businesses that offer senior citizen discounts just post a notice near the register? That way, if a customer is entitled to it, she or he can ask for it when they check out rather than have to hear that they look older than they are. -- INSULTED IN PEORIA, ARIZ.

DEAR INSULTED: Many businesses do post notices such as the one you suggest. What happened should be discussed privately with the owner or manager of the salon. While I am certain the cashier did not intend to offend you, that's what happened, and "helpful" employees like her have been known to discourage patrons from returning. You will be doing everyone a favor if you speak up.

DEAR ABBY: Do you have any advice for coping with a child who is incarcerated during the holidays? My son, who has never been in trouble in his life, made a foolish mistake. He ran with the wrong crowd and is now in prison.

Every day is a torment, and I don't know how to handle my emotions. I can't enjoy anything at all, much less prepare a holiday meal and put up a Christmas tree. It feels like all the joy in my life has been sucked out. -- FEELING HOPELESS

DEAR FEELING HOPELESS: You have my sympathy. When a loved one is incarcerated, in a sense, his or her family is serving a sentence, too.

All I can offer is to remind you that your son is paying for his mistakes, and that making yourself sick isn't going to help him. Right now he needs your emotional support, and in order for you to give it to him, you must take care of your health and stay strong.

If you're preparing holiday meals and decorating a tree, then there must be other family members who need you. Exercise can help people cope with depression, and so can the support of other mothers who have children in prison. If you can affiliate with some of them, it may help you, too, because if anyone can relate to what you are feeling, they should be able to.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $14 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a young adult, the eldest of four children. I sleep in a basement (furnished and livable), which serves as my bedroom. I have no job, no driver's license, no friends who live close by.

I try to make my family happy, despite being underappreciated by my parents and siblings. No matter how often I clean the house, take the blame when I have done nothing wrong or try to be social and see eye to eye, I spend many nights crying like a baby in the inky darkness. A few times I have felt so down I have wanted to end my life.

I found an opportunity to get the training I need to accomplish the first half of my dream, and being a chef would help me earn the money I need to make the other half of my dream a reality. The thing is, I'm required to live on the property of the school.

I tried running away once and had to come back. I don't want my parents to think I'm trying to run away from them again, but we don't communicate well. How can I get them to see I'm trying to move toward my goal instead of severing family bonds? -- BABY OF THE BASEMENT

DEAR BABY: I don't know how old you were when you ran away, but if you are close to 18 or older, then finding a way to be self-supporting should be your priority. Family bonds are supposed to be bonds of love, not chains that prevent a person from achieving his or her potential. If you can't explain this to your parents, then you should enlist the help of another adult -- a family friend or a relative -- to help them understand that getting the training or certification you need for a career isn't severing anything, but is to everyone's advantage.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 12 years old and I still play with dolls. My older sister keeps telling me to grow up. I am embarrassed to ask my mom about it. Lots of girls at my school are growing up and they wear makeup, and I feel left out sometimes. Sometimes I throw tantrums.

I try to get good grades, but my sister puts me down by saying stuff like I'm stupid. I try to ignore it, but it just gets in my head and stays in there forever.

It's hard growing up to be a young lady. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm trying to grow up, but I can't get out of my childish ways. Please help me, Abby. I would really appreciate it. -- SAMANTHA IN KOKOMO

DEAR SAMANTHA: Growing up isn't easy. I know people decades past the age of 21 who are still trying to do it, some with more success than others.

It might help you to know that people don't mature at the same rate. This may have to do with emotional maturity and hormones. At 12, you are supposed to be mature enough to control your emotions and not have tantrums. Because you aren't, it's important you talk with your mother about your feelings.

As to your dolls -- hang onto them if you wish. People of every age collect and enjoy dolls, and it's not a sign of immaturity. As to wearing makeup, that's a personal choice. If you aren't interested, it's nothing to feel self-conscious about. More important than growing up fast is growing up to be a self-confident person who accepts herself for who she is.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I divorced because of another woman. I took it hard, but after a year or so, I was OK.

Fast forward to 2013: He shows up on my doorstep, needing food and shelter, so I took him in (he's still the father of my children). Now I can't get rid of him!

He's trying to show me he's changed. If I didn't know him, I'd think he wasn't the same man at all. I need to know if this is an OK situation for me to be in, because well-meaning friends and family tell me he won't change; he'll leave again. (I say, "As long as he abides by the terms of the divorce, so what!")

I don't care if he sees other people; he's my ex. As far as I'm concerned, he's just renting a room in my house. But I need to know -- am I hurting the kids by letting him stay? He seems to get along better with them now than he ever did, and I'd be renting that room to someone else if it wasn't him. As far as I'm concerned, better the devil you know than the one you don't.

Am I doing the right thing? And if so, how do I get well-meaning people to stop lecturing me? -- LANDLADY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LANDLADY: I can't see how your ex living in the house would hurt the children -- unless he suddenly disappears from their lives again. His presence there, even as "only a renter," may lessen your chances of finding a serious romance again, because few if any men welcome courting a woman under these circumstances.

However, if you are happy with things just as they are, then when the unwelcome lectures start, all you have to do is tell the well-meaning lecturers that you know what you're doing and to please pipe down. The arrangement you have with your ex may work better for both of you than the marriage did because it appears he is always on his best behavior.

DEAR ABBY: I'm pregnant with my first baby. I use Facebook to update my family in another country about my pregnancy and the little milestones that have happened. But when I do, my cousin "Rita" takes it upon herself to turn every status I post into something about her and her daughter. I feel like she's trying to one-up me or divert attention away from my child. We come from a big, tight-knit family and until now, her daughter was the baby of the family.

Rita has been doing this for months now, and I'm starting to get annoyed. How can I tell her politely to please stop stealing my thunder and turning everything into something about her? -- ANNOYED IN THE WEST

DEAR ANNOYED: Whether she's doing it consciously or not, it does appear that Cousin Rita is competitive with you. It would be interesting to know if she has always been this way.

You can't stop her from competing, but you can develop a sense of humor where she's concerned. Her bids for attention are really rather sad, and once your baby arrives, he or she will be the baby of the family -- until Rita becomes pregnant again, that is. (I'm tempted to start the countdown now.)

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