DEAR ABBY: I was born with a very weak heart. At the age of 23, I went into heart failure and needed surgery. It has been two years since my open heart procedure, and it has changed my life for the best.

As a young, semi-attractive male, I feel insecure about my scar. I went to the beach with friends, and so many people looked at my scar I got uncomfortable and put my shirt back on for the rest of the time. I haven't gone back to the beach since. And in situations where guys go shirtless, I wear mine even over the protests of my friends.

I can't get over the scar. I feel like I'm disfigured. Any advice on how I can deal with this huge change? -- SELF-CONSCIOUS IN GEORGIA

DEAR SELF-CONSCIOUS: Because you're sensitive about the scar, perhaps you should talk to a plastic surgeon about your options in having it reduced. However, in my opinion, you are not "disfigured" -- you are ALIVE. You fought for your life and won.

Few people get through life without some "battle scars." Since you can't change the fact that it's there, consider changing the way you think about it. In a way, it's your medal of honor. Scars have been known to fade with time, and so does self-consciousness.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I speak English as our native language. I also speak other languages fluently, although my wife does not.

When we travel to a country where I speak the language, she insists I speak only English. She says everybody in the world now speaks English and accuses me of showing off when I converse with a local in his or her language. She says it makes her uncomfortable.

I realize many people in other countries speak some -- or even a lot of -- English, but many do not. What do you think? -- SPEECHLESS IN ATLANTA

DEAR SPEECHLESS: Much as your wife might wish it, not everybody in the world speaks English. That you are able to speak to individuals in their native language is a tremendous asset when you travel. It makes for a warmer welcome and a fuller experience wherever you go, and I hope you will continue to use the skill you have worked to acquire.

However, to carry on long, involved conversations while your wife just stands there is rude, and if you find out that the person with whom you are talking also speaks English, you should make an effort to see that she is included.

DEAR ABBY: My grandson will be getting married in Chicago. What's the appropriate dress code regarding wearing pantyhose these days? It seems everyone you see in a dress is bare-legged. I want to be comfortable, but also appropriately dressed. -- BEST-DRESSED GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: It depends upon how formal the wedding will be and whether it will be held indoors or outside. If it's outside and informal, and the weather is hot and humid, you could go bare-legged. However, if it's indoors and the attire is dressy -- and you want to maintain your reputation as "best-dressed granny" -- hold up your "end" and wear pantyhose.

DEAR ABBY: I love cooking for my wife and friends. There are few things I find more pleasing than to put out a nice spread of food and watch people enjoy. I'm always on the lookout for more cookbooks, and you hold the key to my next big party.

I was reading through your archives and have seen many people asking about your cookbooklets. I'd love to get them. Can you print the ordering information again, so I can be sure I'm sending the right amount to the right place? Thanks! -- MAN IN THE KITCHEN IN NORTH LITTLE ROCK

DEAR MAN IN THE KITCHEN: I'm glad to oblige. I have been a compulsive cookbook collector for many years, so I can relate. (I'm sure you will be pleased when you see that my cookbooklets, while wide-ranging in content, take up little space on your bookshelf.)

Your idea of throwing a "Dear Abby Dinner Party" is a good one, and I have been told the recipes provide a fun, traditional eating adventure. All of them are simple, easy-to-read and delicious.

One reader described creating place cards for her guests decorated with hearts and flowers. The centerpiece was a "bouquet" of envelopes addressed to me. Another reader said she copied questions from my column, printed them out and, as a party game, asked her guests to supply the answers. (She said that after a few glasses of wine, some of the responses were hilarious, but couldn't be printed in a family newspaper.)

My cookbooklet set contains more than 100 tasty recipes, ranging from soups to salads, appetizers, main courses and desserts, that can be used when families get together to celebrate holidays and other special occasions. My mother used many of them when she hosted parties, as have I. To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $14 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby - Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. You will find tips on entertaining at the beginning of the first booklet. Anyone who hasn't entertained before should be sure to read them.

By following these suggestions, even the most nervous, first-time host can be confident. I know you will enjoy the recipes as much as we have and serve them with pride.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: It's not what you put on the table, but who you put in the chairs that makes a successful dinner party.

DEAR ABBY: As a licensed psychotherapist who has worked with both victims and perpetrators of sexual abuse over the past 25 years, I would like to respond to "Stunned in the City" (Jan. 22), who found her co-worker's name on a website for registered sex offenders.

Registered sex offenders have been convicted and incarcerated for their crimes as well as serving a probationary period upon release. However, unlike other criminal offenses, they never finish "serving their time" -- both in the areas of WHERE they can live and HOW they can live (employment). They continue to serve a sentence that can never be completed and are stigmatized for the rest of their lives.

The reason for this is because of a "one-size-fits-all" approach to punishment, be it a one-time offender or a serial rapist. Most sexual abusers are either members of the family or a close family friend, and most are never reported. Only a small percentage of registered offenders pose a danger and should be under surveillance. The others should be allowed a second chance to continue with their lives without undue harassment.

If "Stunned" reports her co-worker to her employer, she will jeopardize his livelihood, which he needs to redeem his life. -- ALREADY PAID HIS DEBT

DEAR A.P.H.D.: I received mail from mental health professionals, employers, parents and people who are on the sex offenders' list regarding "Stunned's" letter. All of them stated that the range of crimes that can add someone to the list is very broad. The list is no more than a STARTING point for people to begin their own research into public records before telling an employer or another person. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: For more than 20 years I have employed a man who is a convicted sex offender. He paid his debt to society for having sex with a minor when he was in his 20s. It will haunt him for the rest of his life.

The pictures you see online are recent because the authorities require updated photos yearly. I empathize with him because I dated a 15-year-old when I was 19 -- with her parents' approval -- but today it could mean jail time and a ruined life.

There is no demarcation between being dumb and being truly criminal, so everyone is labeled the same. I suggest that we all stay aware of those labeled sexual predators, but approach the sexual offenders case-by-case. -- JUSTICE FOR ALL

DEAR ABBY: Inclusion on the registry can be the result of something that would not pose a danger to anyone -- urinating in public, or having sex with a younger girlfriend when you yourself are a minor.

If you see a neighbor or co-worker on such a list, no one should jump to conclusions before doing more research about the actual offense. It may be nothing to worry about at all, or it might be something to react to. But you won't know until you find out more than a simple listing. -- REBECCA IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR ABBY: After breakfast on Saturdays, my husband and I settle in, listen to music and read the newspaper. It's our Saturday morning ritual.

As part of it, when I get to your column, I read it out loud to my husband. We enjoy the letters and your advice. When I finish, my husband almost invariably says, "You know, those letters are made up."

Abby, I think they are real, albeit edited, but genuine. He thinks they're fake. Who's right? -- TRUE BELIEVER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TRUE BELIEVER: You are. I could never make up anything as interesting as the mail that arrives from my readers day after day.