DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I, after many long years of school, advanced degrees and work in the corporate world, are now retired. We are (we hope) financially secure.

Both of us have siblings who were less successful for various reasons. What obligation do hardworking people have toward their less successful siblings, especially one who has been a freeloader his entire life?

"Rusty" sponged off his aging parents to keep from having to earn a decent living. We feel sorry for him, but it's the bed he made for himself years ago when he took shortcuts. We're afraid if we give him a hand, he'll expect an arm next time.

As far as I'm concerned, only Rusty's laziness prevents him from getting a part-time job to help pay the bills. If we give him money, we'll have to do it for the other siblings on both sides.

I know this sounds uncharitable, but we worked for 40 years and struggled through everything life had to throw at us. We saved every penny we could and invested wisely. How do we deal with family members who can take care of themselves, but don't? -- ANONYMOUS IN AMERICA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You decide on a case-by-case basis, unless all of your family members are like Rusty. And if they are, you sympathize, but don't subsidize.

DEAR ABBY: Most of my childhood was spent with my grandparents, who raised me until I moved out at 21. I have always regarded them as my true parents because they were always there for me.

My biological parents were also a part of my life. I would visit them on weekends. I love them, too, and appreciate that they allowed me to have a stable childhood with my grandparents.

I am engaged to be married next summer, and I need to decide who should walk me down the aisle. I'd like my grandfather to have that honor, but I don't want to hurt my father by not asking him to do it.

What should I do when the time comes to make the decision? -- NAMELESS IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR NAMELESS: Consider asking both of them to walk you down the aisle. I'm sure it would touch not only their hearts, but also those of your guests to see you honor your grandfather, who was your "weekDAY father," as well as your dad, your "weekEND father."

DEAR ABBY: Organized religion has caused me many difficulties throughout my life. I would like to distance myself from it as much as possible. I consider myself a "religious independent." I believe in God, but I don't believe organized religion has anything to do with God.

My question concerns my funeral. Since a funeral is an organized religious ceremony, is it possible to have one without clergy being present? Have you heard of anything like this, and what would you suggest? -- WASHINGTON, D.C., READER

DEAR READER: Instead of a funeral, many people choose to have a "celebration of life," independent from religion. Make sure your family and friends understand your wishes, then talk to a funeral home director and make pre-planning arrangements.

DEAR ABBY: Our niece "Bonnie" has severe attachment problems. She still lives in her parents' home and is well into her 50s. Her father passed away several years ago, and her mother seems to be her only friend.

Bonnie has never had a serious relationship and has spent her life at one job and with her parents. Vacations and holidays have been spent with them only. Bonnie rarely accepts an invitation unless her mom is invited, does not communicate unless we reach out to her first and is very private about the smallest details in her life.

Her mother is aging and we are wondering how Bonnie will manage once her mom is gone. How do we approach someone who seriously needs help and guidance? -- CARING AUNT IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR CARING AUNT: I can think of two ways. The first would be to discuss this privately with Bonnie's mother and ask if there is anything she would like you to do for her daughter in the event of a serious illness or her death. It is a legitimate question if Bonnie is unable to live independently, and her mother might appreciate that you cared enough to ask.

The second would be to reach out to Bonnie in the event that something does happen to her mother, and let her know that you love her and will be there for her if she needs you. Keep in mind that you cannot force help on anyone who is unwilling to accept it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 11 and in the sixth grade. I am very self-conscious. Every girl in my grade has a bigger chest than me, and I am feeling insecure because mine isn't developed.

I know I am young, but I want to fit in. Every day I feel horrible about myself. Can you help? -- INSECURE 6TH GRADER

DEAR INSECURE: I'll try. No two people are alike, and our bodies do not develop at the same time. For some girls, it happens sooner and they begin to develop breasts as early as age 9. For others, it doesn't happen until they are in their teens.

Your value should not be measured by your chest size. Believe me, the size of your IQ is far more important. The kind of person you are is more important.

Big chests have a way of falling sooner or later. So work on your grades and your personality right now. If you do, in time you'll not only catch up to these girls, you will surpass them in the qualities that matter most. You're fine just the way you are.

DEAR ABBY: When spending thousands of dollars to attend a destination wedding, are you expected to give a gift to the bride and groom? -- JENNIFER IN NEW YORK

DEAR JENNIFER: Yes, but after shelling out "thousands" to attend a wedding, it does not have to be an expensive one. A token gift to mark the occasion would be enough.

DEAR ABBY: After years of carrying this guilt, I want to tell my story. It may help others.

When my grandfather tried to rape me, it was at night when everyone was asleep. I stopped him as much as a 10-year-old could. The next day he wrote me a letter saying he was sorry for what he did. It read, "If your dad finds out, it will KILL HIM." Strong words for a 10-year-old, so I buried the letter in the back yard. He never touched me again.

Five years after that, Grandpa was arrested for molesting my younger brothers. As a young girl, I didn't know men molested boys. I found out after my grandfather went to prison that he had also molested my dad and his sister when they were children.

Please warn parents to educate their children. Tell them that even someone they love does not have the right to touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable.

My dad felt guilty for the rest of his life for what happened to us because he had let this monster back into his life. If this saves one person from the shame and guilt I have carried, it will have been worth it. -- WISH I HAD TOLD IN FLORIDA

DEAR WISH YOU HAD TOLD: I agree with you about the importance of parents teaching children the difference between an appropriate touch and one that isn't, and how to set boundaries. If those boundaries are violated, children should be instructed to immediately tell an adult. If it's not a parent, then tell a teacher, counselor or school nurse, all of whom are mandated reporters. Children should also tell if a friend confides it has happened to him or her, because secrets like this are harmful not only to the victim, but also to any children in the vicinity who might also be at risk.

It may assuage your guilt to know that molesters often blackmail their victim into silence. I heard recently from a woman who said her father told her when she was a child that if she revealed what he was doing, he would kill himself. (It wasn't until many years later that she finally realized if he had, he would have been doing everyone, including her sister, a favor.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and have been dating this guy I really like for three months. He is great.

My biggest setback is his body hair. He honestly has more body hair than I have ever seen. This has kept me from being physically attracted to him.

I think everything is moving in the right direction, but I don't know what to do about this issue. Should I love him how he is, or ask him to get rid of it? I don't want him to feel self-conscious because he's an awesome guy. -- IN A HAIRY SITUATION IN ARIZONA

DEAR IN A HAIRY SITUATION: This is a sensitive subject, one that should be approached with as much diplomacy as you can muster. Because he seems to have everything else going for him, but the body hair is a turn-off, do talk to him about it.

Fortunately, over the past few years men have become more open to removing excessive body hair -- or at least cutting it back so it's not so overwhelming. (This is called "manscaping.") There are also the options of waxing or laser treatments, if he is willing.