DEAR ABBY: Why is it socially acceptable to refer to a grown woman as a "girl," and yet it would never be appropriate to call a man a "boy"? -- BARBARA IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA.

DEAR BARBARA: I'm not sure whether all women would accept being called a "girl." In fact, some would find it condescending and offensive. If you call a man a "boy," he could regard it as an assault on his masculinity.

And yet, I have heard those terms used in the third person, as in, "What's my husband doing on Saturday? He'll be out playing golf with the boys, while I'll be going to lunch with the girls." And I have never heard that it was offensive to either sex.

DEAR ABBY: I fell in love with a boy when I was 12, deeply in love. We met at our county fair. We grew up together and have remained friends for 30 years. He married and had children, as did I. I am now divorced, but he's still married.

Recently our friendship has grown into something more. He wants our relationship to continue, but he's afraid to leave his wife because of the kids. They have been together for 20 years.

What do I do? He's the love of my life. Any time I have with him is better than none. It's not that I don't know I deserve better, but he is unhappy, and I am miserable without him. What do I do? -- PRISONER OF PASSION IN VIRGINIA

DEAR PRISONER: What you do depends upon your strength of character and what you want out of life. If you want to spend the foreseeable future as this man's "side dish," then continue as you have been, a "prisoner of passion" with not much common sense. If you would like to have a stable life and find a man who will make you No. 1 in his life, then you will have to call a halt to this affair and go through a period of withdrawal -- the same as people have to do with any addiction. It may not be pleasant, but I recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm turning 75 soon, and enjoying retirement, good health and a comfortable lifestyle, which is why I have arranged a "Celebration of My Life -- So Far." I'm excited about it and eagerly anticipating more than 60 guests for cocktails and a sit-down dinner at a nearby hotel.

It's not uncommon these days for a celebration of life to be held after someone dies. However, I prefer to have mine BEFORE I leave this Earth so I can celebrate along with my loved ones. I want to be there, especially since I'm the one who's paying for it!

What do you think of my idea? Would you enjoy partaking in such a special event? -- THINKING AHEAD IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR THINKING AHEAD: I think it's a terrific idea. And yes, I would enjoy celebrating such a special event, if I were invited. When is this party? I'll be standing by my mailbox!

DEAR ABBY: I'm a lifelong New York resident; my husband is not. So when he had an opportunity to move to Houston to be closer to his only brother, he desperately wanted to move.

My children are grown and on their own, so no problem there. Although leaving my career, my mother and my children to move so far away was difficult for me, my husband doesn't have much of a family, so I knew it was important to him. He never had children, and he wanted to be part of his niece's and nephew's lives. So we moved.

Now we're treated like we don't exist! We're not invited to family events, they never visit us and we're not included during holidays. These are the people who begged us for the last 13 years to move to Texas.

I want to return to New York. He doesn't want to go. I'm afraid if I insist, I'll need to move back alone. Should I risk my marriage over it? -- HOMESICK FOR NEW YORK

DEAR HOMESICK: There is a middle ground between moving back to New York and staying in Texas. One of them is making regular trips to visit your mother, children and friends. Another would be to understand that your husband's family cannot be your sole source of social activity.

You and your husband should join clubs and volunteer your time to some worthy causes. That's the way people meet each other. Texans are known for their hospitality -- so give them a fair chance. But only as a last resort should you sacrifice your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Hank" for five years. He has always been a loner. He has never been married and has no kids. We lived together for four years and our relationship is wonderful other than his "just being him." He's kind of self-centered and not very communicative.

Hank just learned that his mother is terminally ill. He came home from work, told me to pack and move out, gave me five minutes of his time and then left! I packed some clothes and went.

I'm not sure if I should stay away or try to get him to talk this through with me. This is tearing me apart. I know he loves me, but I'm afraid that with what's going on with his mom, he's shutting me out because he can't handle it. I'm the closest person to him, but he is pushing me away. Please give me some advice. -- FEELING VERY ALONE IN MAINE

DEAR VERY ALONE: Whether you should remain involved with Hank depends upon how great your tolerance is for pain. He isn't shutting you out; he gave you one giant kick in the fanny. He also isn't "kind of" self-centered; he's VERY self-centered.

If you're curious about his mother's health, call and ask from time to time. But do not expect to get back together anytime soon. To have ended the relationship with you the way he did was brutal.

DEAR ABBY: I became a widower two years ago and only recently started dating. Although I am in my early 70s, I'm in great physical shape and have all my hair. I am also financially well off and I think I'm reasonably good looking. My concern is, how do I avoid becoming a trophy husband? -- POTENTIAL PRIZE IN FLORIDA

DEAR POTENTIAL PRIZE: That should be easy. Don't reveal your financial status and don't propose.

DEAR ABBY: "Barney" and I are in our 40s and have been married two years. Barney is a neatnik. His nighttime ritual of cleaning up before bed takes an hour or more. Before we can be intimate, this ritual must be performed, which rules out anything in the afternoon or that's spontaneous.

Barney is also a night owl. Sometimes he goes straight from the shower to the Internet or reading, ignoring sex altogether, even if we planned and talked about it while getting ready to clean up for the night.

I have fallen asleep many nights waiting for him, only to awaken hours later and see he's still not beside me. When we discuss it later, he says it's a selfish habit he "got away with" in his last marriage. He enjoys sex but becomes easily distracted.

Should we seek counseling for this or try something else? Barney displays all the signs of ADD and has since his childhood days. -- FRUSTRATED IN CLINTON, IOWA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: By all means seek counseling. The ritual you described could be a symptom of a disorder, or your husband may have a very weak sex drive. However, one thing is clear: If Barney isn't in bed with you, it's because he'd rather be elsewhere.

For your sake, the sooner you get some straight answers the better you'll be. His comment about "getting away with it" tells me he knows what he's doing wasn't fair to his last wife, and it isn't fair to you.

DEAR ABBY: For the last 10 years, my friends and I have gotten together on a fairly regular basis. We always bring potluck to share. While "Marcia" and I were assembling a meal, "Cindy" would contribute a bag of chips. We finally told her we thought the offerings were unequal, so she shaped up.

We recently celebrated my birthday at my house, and Cindy "surprised" me with a beautiful blueberry crumble cake (her specialty). I was delighted and told her I had been craving that particular treat.

As the afternoon wore on, I asked if we should bring out the dessert, but she said she wanted to "wait a while." A half-hour later, she announced she had to leave and wanted to take the cake with her. (We often take leftovers home, but her dessert hadn't even made it to the table.) When I said, "But we have no other dessert!" she said she had company coming and needed to take it with her. Then she put it in the container she had brought it in and left.

Cindy is a close friend, and Marcia and I have put up with some of her quirks. But I'm thinking about confronting her about this latest gaffe because I'm afraid if I don't, my resentment will continue to build and our friendship will "crumble." Am I being petty? -- DESERTED DESSERT LOVER

DEAR D.D.L.: Petty? I don't think so. What she did took the cake -- and I'm not talking about pastry.

I don't know what qualities you look for in a close friend, but Cindy appears to be unusually self-centered. What she said was not only rude, but showed a distinct lack of empathy for your feelings.

By all means, clear the air, but don't count on Cindy to change. In fact, don't count on her for anything.