DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have three daughters in their 20s and 30s. One of them, "Lauryn," is married with four children. She and her husband are behind in their mortgage, student loans, federal, state and property taxes, utilities, etc. Over the past 15 years, we have given them more than $40,000 to help them stay afloat. Things have not improved.

Now that my wife and I are retired, the money we provide is cutting into our retirement savings. For the sake of our grandchildren, we continue to bail Lauryn out hoping their finances will improve. But now we have begun to think our handouts should come at a cost.

We want to tell Lauryn and our son-in-law that the money we've given -- and have continued to give -- will count against their inheritance. It doesn't seem fair that we have given so much to this one daughter and her family and relatively little to her sisters. Do you agree? We'd appreciate your thoughts on this. -- LOVING PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS

DEAR LOVING PARENTS: I do agree. And for that reason, you should discuss this issue with an attorney who specializes in estate planning, wills and trusts. Your other daughters should not suffer because Lauryn and her husband have been perpetually needy. An attorney can guide you, and it will be money well spent.

DEAR ABBY: I'm having problems with my boyfriend, "Adam," and I feel stuck. He recently was accepted to graduate school, and we're planning to move there. We haven't lived together before, and I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.

I will be working and paying for everything, and Adam will be just going to school. He thinks this is a fair trade-off because "we won't have to worry about money at all" once he has completed his education.

Abby, I don't think he cares that it's ME going with him. I feel like a space-filler and a meal ticket. How do I go about finding out his true feelings and intentions? He doesn't make me feel special, wanted or important -- ever. I worry this will end badly. I do love him, but I don't want this to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Please give me some advice. -- TO MOVE OR NOT TO MOVE IN INDIANA

DEAR MOVE OR NOT: You do need advice -- and here it is: Your woman's intuition is telling you this isn't right, and that your boyfriend can't be trusted to fulfill his part of the bargain. You should listen to it because that's a poor basis for uprooting yourself and becoming his benefactor.

The person you have described is someone centered solely upon himself and his own needs. A man who doesn't make you feel special, wanted or important would make a very poor husband.

DEAR ABBY: I have been best friends with "Jean" ever since grade school. We get along great, except for one thing -- she's a cheapskate! Jean is single and still lives with her parents; I am a single mother living on my own. We earn about the same amount of money.

Whenever Jean is invited out for drinks, she brings only enough cash for one drink, and then comments loudly that she doesn't have enough money on her for another one and waits until someone offers to pay for it. When going out to eat, she eats at home first, and then asks to "sample" everyone else's food. If she wants to see a movie, she makes sure to bring a date to pay for her ticket.

I think her stingy behavior is keeping her from having serious relationships because she expects to pay for nothing. It has reached the point where I don't want to do anything with her because of her penny-pinching ways. Mutual friends have asked me to speak to her. What can I say to keep my friendship intact? -- SEPARATE CHECKS, PLEASE, IN OHIO

DEAR SEPARATE CHECKS: Because you have reached the point that your relationship with Jean is in jeopardy, talk with her about how her behavior has affected you. But do not allow yourself to be the appointed spokeswoman for anyone else. And unless you know for a fact that her stingy behavior is keeping her from having serious relationships with men, keep it to yourself.

In the future, if you go out with Jean and she says she didn't bring enough money for a second drink, allow her to suffer the consequences. And when she asks to "sample" what you're eating, tell her calmly you'd rather she didn't. I agree that when behavior like hers becomes a pattern -- and the person is able to pay but is mooching -- that it's obnoxious. But it won't be corrected by enabling her, and that is what everyone has been doing.

DEAR ABBY: Because I'm a florist, my niece asked me to do the flowers for her wedding. I gladly agreed.

"Misty" put the priest through a lot to make this a very special occasion. She hadn't attended church prior to the wedding. When the priest asked Misty for a contribution to the church for having her wedding there, she was miffed. I asked her, "Who do you think pays the utilities and upkeep for the church for one-time users like you?" She hasn't spoken to me since! Was I wrong? -- MIFFED MYSELF IN NEW YORK

DEAR MIFFED: Wrong? You gave your niece a dose of reality, and stated it very well. It appears Misty has some growing up to do. Perhaps when her "bridal fever" subsides, she will realize that life isn't one freebie after another, and offer the apology she owes you.

P.S. I hope she thanked you for the flowers.

DEAR ABBY: I'm the middle child. Our father died in the Gulf War. None of us really knew him, but my younger sister, "Delia," has no memory of him at all.

She has been acting out for years now, and has broken our mother's heart more times than I can count. Whenever she messes up, she blames it on not knowing our father and the life she "could" have led.

It has been 20 years, Abby! The past is the past. Delia continues to ruin her future and blame our mom. It has Mom wondering why she was able to survive this crisis 20 years ago but can't manage to deal with my sister.

I think Delia may have a chemical imbalance, or just never dealt with our father's death. How do you convince someone to get help? How do you make her see that Dad died so she could enjoy the many freedoms of America? -- DRAINED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DRAINED: I'm sorry for your family's loss, but we are all responsible for our own behavior and our own emotions. You can't force "help" on your dysfunctional sister. Before she'll be willing to accept that she needs it, she will have to accept that SHE has been responsible for her own mistakes and behavior. If your father had lived, her life might not have been any different than it is.

The person who COULD use some professional help might be your mother. Counseling might help her to quit trying to rescue her adult daughter, or blaming herself for the problems Delia has created for herself. I'm not saying it will be easy -- letting go rarely is. But it might improve her emotional and physical health.

DEAR ABBY: I am an attractive, physically fit, well-educated, 41-year-old divorced woman with two young children. Recently a co-worker I have known for several months asked me to accompany him on a weekend hiking trip. (He's 23.) After a few conversations, he confessed that he was "deeply in love" with me and hoped we could begin a "serious relationship."

Abby, he's mature, good-looking, financially independent and has a great sense of humor. I'm attracted to him. Should I pursue this relationship, or wait until I'm attracted to someone closer to my own age? Help! -- A.S. IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR A.S.: Whoa! Slow down. Regardless of the age difference, an overnight first date (with a co-worker, yet) seems like an awfully speedy beginning to me. If you're smart, start with a coffee date, graduate to a dinner date, and pursue the relationship from there. Only time will tell if this is the real thing.