DEAR ABBY: I bought a friend a gift recently. Her response? "You should have just given me the money because I really need it." A few years ago, I was going to buy another friend an expensive pair of shoes and she convinced me not to because she said she could buy 10 pairs from a discount store for the amount I was planning to spend.

I love giving gifts during the holidays and for birthdays, and enjoy choosing things I think my friends might like or need. I hate giving money! Isn't part of the gift-giving experience for the giver, too?

I feel it should be my choice to buy whatever I want for someone, and their response should just be, "Thank you." It irks me when people dictate to me what I should give them. Am I just being a control freak, or do I have the wrong idea of gift-giving? -- GIFT GIVER IN TEXAS

DEAR GIFT GIVER: A thoughtful gift giver selects things the recipient can use and enjoy. A grateful recipient doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth and say she'd prefer the cash.

However, the woman who convinced you not to spend hundreds of dollars on a pair of designer shoes she might not be able to return was, I think, doing both of you a favor. While it's your prerogative to give whatever you want to whomever you want, don't you think it makes more sense to bestow something the person can use and enjoy than to satisfy your ego?

DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who has had a difficult, distant relationship with my only brother, "Bill." He has made many nasty, homophobic remarks, and my partner, "Jon," has been excluded from many family gatherings. Because Jon wasn't welcomed I also did not attend those gatherings, and I endured further wrath because I didn't.

Bill's daughter has just announced that she is a lesbian. His reaction is mystifying. He has embraced her and her partner and has lovingly included them into the heart of the family.

I am happy that my niece has found love and support. I am also jealous that she has a better father than I did a brother. Are my feelings justified? -- SAD SIBLING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SAD SIBLING: Of course your feelings are justified. You are human, and your skin isn't made of Teflon. It's sad that your brother couldn't have treated you and Jon with more compassion and understanding.

I find it interesting how people's perspective can radically change when a child of theirs is involved. Now let's see if your brother's attitude toward you changes, and how forgiving you and your partner can be if it does.

DEAR ABBY: Can you settle a dispute for me? When you go up to a house with two doors -- a regular door and a screen door -- and there is no doorbell, is it proper to open the first door and knock on the second door or is it considered rude? -- KNOCK, KNOCK

DEAR KNOCK, KNOCK: Because in the absence of a doorbell the only way you can make your presence known would be to knock, open the screen door and knock. Then step back and close the screen door so you're not intruding on the space of the person who answers it.

DEAR ABBY: I just found out that my husband of 30 years is having an affair. When I confronted him, he said: "I have a girlfriend. I can't imagine the rest of my life without girlfriends, so get over it!" Then he told me he has never been faithful, but that he loves me and would be devastated if I left. He considers his fooling around to be "safe and harmless escapades."

Abby, my heart is broken. He has flaunted this woman in my face, and embarrassed and humiliated me in public. Now he's angry with me because I told her husband what is going on.

How do I find the strength and courage to leave? I have some health issues and haven't worked in years. What do I tell our kids? My world is crashing down around my ears. -- HEARTBROKEN IN THE SOUTH

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your husband's "escapades" are neither safe nor harmless to YOU. His behavior is callous, hurtful and disrespectful.

It's very important that you remain calm and do nothing in haste. You will be better able to weigh your options if you talk to an attorney and find out what you're entitled to after having been married to this man for 30 years. And if you feel it would be helpful, find a licensed counselor to talk to.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a new husband, and things I thought I could tolerate before we were married are really bugging me now. I raised a daughter with another woman, and my current wife deleted every picture of her -- from sonograms to her second birthday -- and won't let me keep anything of hers.

I understand she wants our lives to be about us, but I try to keep it separate and the resentments are starting to fester. I'd confront her, but she's pregnant and has been extra emotional about me even leaving for work.

What do I do? Should I wait eight more months for the baby and then say something? I'm afraid I will snap before then. -- NEW HUSBAND IN WYOMING

DEAR NEW HUSBAND: I'm no doctor, but you and your wife need to consult one. She appears to be suffering from severe emotional problems. Her internist and gynecologist should be told what's going on so she can start counseling and possibly medication to help her with her extreme insecurity. That she would have problems about you "even leaving for work" is not normal behavior, and you should waste no time in dealing with this.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Beth" has a boyfriend, "Danny." They have a 6-month-old baby girl. Neither one has a driver's license, and they both have low-paying part-time jobs.

Beth expects us to baby-sit, take her to the doctor, etc. Mom is now starting to refuse to do more than baby-sit on Sunday, because she says Beth needs to get her license and look for a better job, and it won't happen until she's "pushed to the wall." Only then will she realize she has to.

I agree, but I feel Beth and Danny should pursue their dreams. It takes money to get a license, and where we live there is no public transportation. What's your take on this tug-of-war? -- BIG BROTHER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BIG BROTHER: Listen to your mother. The chances of your sister and her boyfriend attaining their dreams while working at low-paying part-time jobs are not great. What they need now is help in gaining their independence. While your mother may have put it in harsh terms, she has the right idea.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriends are always trying to get me drunk. I don't need alcohol to have a good time, and in fact, I rarely drink. They say I'm "no fun," which is probably true. But that's just who I am.

Although they never drink and drive, they drink a lot and are embarrassing when they sing loud, stumble on the dance floor and slur their words. I'm afraid if I get drunk I may say something hurtful to them, and they will no longer be my friends.

My boyfriend says they're not true friends if they want me to drink to excess. My college days are behind me. I am mature enough not to succumb to this peer pressure. Is my boyfriend right? Do I need new friends? -- TEETOTALER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TEETOTALER: There are few things more unattractive than a person who is drunk. Your boyfriend may be right that you need some new friends, if yours can have a good time only if they use alcohol.

If I'm reading your letter correctly, it appears you may be their designated driver. My advice is to take yourself out of that equation, and if possible, socialize with them in situations that do not involve drinking. If that's not possible, then for your own sake, start cultivating friends with wider interests.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 20 years. Before our two children started high school two years ago, we had a great marriage. Unfortunately, my wife has put our children's high school education above everything else. She's a classic "helicopter mom" who says that once the kids leave for college, our relationship will become great again.

As the months go by, I find myself being more of a father and a tutor than a husband and "intimate friend" to my wife. We have little in common with each other, little intimacy, and everything revolves around our children -- not us.

I have talked to her about this, and we have seen a counselor and a priest who told my wife that what she's doing is wrong. But things are getting worse, not better.

Any suggestions on how to get the message across before we get totally separated or even divorced? Or am I the one who needs to see things differently? -- NO HELICOPTER DAD

DEAR DAD: Your letter touches upon a conversation I have had several times over the last few years, and it involves whether helicopter parents are giving their children an advantage, or preventing them from developing social skills and independence. If your kids are having problems in school and need extra parental guidance, then I'm all for it. But if they aren't -- and their teachers should be able to tell you that -- then your wife isn't doing this because of their need but her own.

Because you say you're not sure your marriage will be intact by the time they graduate, I'm urging that you both have more marriage counseling NOW. I hate to see a 20-year marriage go down the drain, because that's where it's headed.