Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old sister has epilepsy and it's driving me mad! She has three seizures a month, and I'm usually the one who detects them beforehand.

Ever since she was diagnosed, my family has been giving her everything she wants. She gets D's and F's on her report card and they don't say a word. If I get a mere B, I get yelled at and punished.

I'm 17 and I realize I may seem petty, but I know my parents are spoiling her to the point where it'll come back to haunt them. The other day my sister wanted a new smartphone. When Mom said no, my sister purposely triggered a seizure.

My parents won't admit they're wrong, and we can't afford counseling with all my sister's bills. Please help me. -- MAD IN MIAMI

DEAR MAD: You have my sympathy. I don't think you are being petty. Being the sibling of a sick child can be extremely difficult, and your situation is no exception. Parents often devote so much attention to the child who is unwell that the healthy one is starved for attention and positive reinforcement. The result is resentment that can last a lifetime.

Because what's happening is causing you stress, talk about it with a counselor at school. There may be counseling available for you at no cost to your parents.

DEAR ABBY: I just turned 20 and I desperately want a baby. I know it's not possible right now because I am still in school and will be for several years. I also want to be married before having children, and my boyfriend agrees. We take precautions and don't plan on having kids for a long time.

None of my friends, relatives or close acquaintances have young children that I can spend time baby-sitting. I was wondering if you knew of any volunteer opportunities that will allow me to satisfy my "mothering" instinct until I can actually be a mother. -- FUTURE MOMMY IN MICHIGAN

DEAR FUTURE MOMMY: One that might interest you is becoming a "cuddler." Cuddlers are volunteers who visit hospital neonatal units. They work with infants whose parents can't be there to touch them, and whose nurses have other important duties to perform. Of course, this would necessitate your willingness to undergo a background check and take a short training course.

Contact the hospitals in your area to see if they have this program available. I'm sure if there is one, you would find it emotionally satisfying.

DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with "Irene" for a long time. We invite her and her husband to our home for dinner parties, etc.

Recently, with every invitation, she has been asking to bring along her dog, "Pookie." She lives nearby and could easily leave it at home. We would prefer the dog not visit for a number of reasons: We have a cat; Pookie is nervous around people and has bitten; and he isn't well housebroken. He pees on everything.

How do I politely refuse her request? We enjoy Irene and her husband, but Pookie, not so much. -- NO POOCH, PLEASE, IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR NO POOCH: Here's how. When Irene asks again about bringing her dog, simply say, "We'd prefer you didn't." And if she has the nerve to ask why, tell her the reasons you gave me -- all of which are valid.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and her husband are divorced, and I take care of their twin daughters after school. I love the girls and treasure the time I get to spend with them.

Their parents' combined income is more than $120,000. I am on a fixed income and ask for only $10 per day (plus $10 a week for gas) so I can take the girls places like the zoo or an occasional movie (which usually costs more than I am given). I feed them one meal a day on this budget as well.

Whenever discussions about money occur, the ex-husband repeatedly tells my daughter he thinks it's "offensive" that a grandparent charges money to watch the grandchildren. He uses it as a tactic to threaten to not pay for other needed expenses. How do I tell him I think he's out of line for making me feel bad for requesting the money? -- STUNNED AND HURT IN TEMPE, ARIZ.

DEAR STUNNED AND HURT: Your former son-in-law may have some bitterness because of the divorce. Whatever his reason, his children should not suffer for it. Frankly, he should be ashamed of himself.

If he raises the subject of being "offended" with you, remind him in plain English that you are on a limited income, food is expensive and if the money wasn't NEEDED you wouldn't ask for it. It's the truth. It's nothing to be ashamed of and certainly not offensive.

Let's do the math: Your granddaughters go to school five days a week; that's $50, plus $10 a week for gas. That's $60! If they were in day care instead of being looked after by you, the cost would be many times that amount.

DEAR ABBY: I am an executive assistant. A few years ago, my boss passed away after a long illness. My 13 years with her accounted for the longest consistent span of my career, and for obvious reasons, I was not able to get a letter of recommendation. It was difficult applying for jobs without being able to provide a first-hand reference from my longest employer.

I am now happily employed, but I worry sometimes about what if it happens again. My current boss is in his early 50s, but not in the best health. I have no intention of going anywhere, and I don't want to send him the wrong signal, but I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate to ask him for a reference letter, just to make sure I don't find myself in the same situation again. BTW, he knows about my former situation, so I think he would understand, but I'm not sure. -- EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT IN GEORGIA

DEAR EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT: I'm sorry about the death of your former employer, but your lack of a letter of reference should not have prevented you from finding another job. Your length of employment should have been proof enough that you were an asset to the company.

I do not think it would be a good idea to approach your boss about giving you a letter of reference for a couple of reasons. First, it might be regarded as a signal that you are not happy with your job. And second, because of fear of litigation, many employers today are reluctant to give out any information about an employee other than the length of time the person worked for the company.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter has been in a lesbian relationship for 14 years. They recently took me to lunch and informed me that her partner, "Nicole," is in the process of transitioning to a male.

Nicole has now legally changed her name to "Nick" and has begun hormone treatments. They have been going to counseling for the past six months. Since Nick began the transition, I have seen him three times. Last week when I was visiting, I accidentally called Nick by the wrong pronoun, "she" instead of "he" a couple of times. I was either immediately corrected or ignored until I realized I had used the wrong word. It hurt my feelings.

After I got home I sent Nick a text to apologize and explain that it would take time for me to get used to saying "Nick" and referring to him as a he. I told them their correcting me bothered me. All weekend I could tell they were irritated with me, and I felt it was uncalled for.

What do you say? Am I wrong to feel hurt that they haven't given me a chance to get used to the new name? -- MARGARET IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR MARGARET: Adjusting to gender reassignment takes time for all concerned. As your letter illustrates, there are often more people involved than the individual making the change.

It seems only natural that you would need some time to adjust. However, it also seems to me that you are being overly sensitive about what happened. Your daughter and her partner were right to correct you for your slip of the tongue, and it wasn't rude for them to do so. How else is a person to learn that a mistake was made if it isn't pointed out?

DEAR ABBY: Recently, 12 of us women from a retirement home in Dayton were having lunch at a local steakhouse. As we were digging in our purses for money and coupons, our server informed us that we did not owe anything for our bills! He said a gentleman who had been seated nearby had taken care of what we owed. It seems the day we were there was his late mother's birthday.

There are some very good people in this world. We want him to know how very much we appreciated his kind gesture, and we have pledged to "pay it forward" whenever we can. -- BLESSED IN OHIO

DEAR BLESSED: I don't know who originated this saying, but your letter certainly proves the truth of it: A good deed is like a pebble thrown into a pond; its ripples continue ever outward. Thank you for an upper of a letter.

DEAR ABBY: We were visiting our son and daughter-in-law last weekend. When I had to use the facilities downstairs, I told her the hand towel was missing. I had used that bathroom the day before. Guess what she said? "Well, that's what pants are for."

Abby, she wasn't joking! We see them only twice a year because we live five hours away. Could they be short of money or what? Should I send her some hand towels? -- WET HANDS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WET HANDS: By all means. And don't forget a short, sweet note thanking her for her "hospitality."