Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: Can you please help me understand the rule of etiquette when borrowing a wedding dress? The owner was fully aware that the bride intended to alter it. It was obvious that it would need to be made several sizes smaller and shortened. Also, the bride stated clearly that she intended to lower the neckline and remove the sleeves. Everyone seemed happy the gown was being used again after 25 years of being in a box.

After the wedding, the dress was professionally cleaned, boxed and returned to the owner. She is now livid and contends that the dress should have been returned in its original state -- just like it was loaned.

I'd appreciate your help settling this family dispute. How should this work? -- BORROWING TROUBLE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR BORROWING TROUBLE: It is a fact of life that when cloth is excised so a garment can be made "several sizes smaller," it cannot be put back in its original condition. If that was the expectation of the owner, it was unrealistic. The bride did the right thing by having the wedding gown professionally cleaned and boxed, and it shouldn't be necessary for her to make any apologies.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law quit her job and moved into my in-laws' basement six years ago. I think there may have been an emotional breakdown having to do with her work. I also think it upsets my mother-in-law to have her adult daughter living this life. Mom isn't willing to ask her to move out or even discuss the situation.

This was fine until my sister-in-law told my 10-year-old daughter that she lives with her parents because "they need her to take care of them." Nothing could be further from the truth! My in-laws are fine on their own.

My concern is that this is sending a bad message to my daughter, and she will think she will need to take care of her father and me in 30 years. I have told my daughter that kids do not need to move back in with their parents -- even if they need help.

My question is, should I tell my mother-in-law about this or just drop it? -- TAKEN ABACK IN NEVADA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Your sister-in-law may have justified her living with her parents in order to save face after having been asked about why she was living in their basement. Because you have dealt with this with your daughter and the subject is a sensitive one with your mother-in-law, my advice is to let it go.

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my sister-in-law gave me a beautiful watch for Christmas. It became my favorite accessory for any dressy occasion. However, a year ago her brother and I divorced. I still have the watch and would love to wear it, but I'm not sure if it would be appropriate or if I should give it away. Thanks for your input. -- TORN IN DECATUR, ILL.

DEAR TORN: The watch was given to you with affection, and even if you wear it in your ex-husband's presence, the chances are small that he would realize who it was from. Because you like it, wear it and enjoy it. There is nothing inappropriate about doing so.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 22 years, and we had a good marriage until recently. Over the last three years she has become more and more consumed with her phone and tablet. She goes nowhere and does nothing without them.

Every night and weekend she sits engrossed in both devices until well after I have gone to bed. If I ask what she's doing or who she's texting, she accuses me of being controlling and not trusting her.

We can't watch a movie, eat a meal (out or at home) or anything else without her constantly tending to at least one of her devices. She says she can multitask and I shouldn't be concerned, but it has greatly diminished our relationship. I feel like when we're together, I am really alone.

If that isn't enough, I have seen her communications with other men, sometimes intimate, late at night. When I ask about them, she throws the same labels at me. What should I do? -- ONLY HUMAN IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ONLY HUMAN: What you should do is tell your wife you have seen the intimate late-night conversations she has been having with other men, and that you feel she has abandoned you. Do not let her accuse you of being controlling or untrusting. You have done nothing wrong.

If she is willing to come clean and deal with the problems in your marriage, which go beyond her addiction to electronic devices, you should agree to marriage counseling. If she's not, you will then have to weigh whether this kind of marriage is enough for you, because it certainly wouldn't be for many men.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in ninth grade and my birthday is coming up. I invited a group of friends to go out and eat dinner at a nice restaurant, assuming everyone would pay for their own meal. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Some of them said they expect me to pay. Others think I'd be crazy if I did that and even insisted on paying for mine.

If I pay for everyone to eat at a restaurant, it's going to be pricy and my parents will be upset. I can't uninvite anyone, and it's not like I can take them to a cheap fast food place. What do you think I should do? -- SAD BIRTHDAY GIRL

DEAR SAD BIRTHDAY GIRL: I think you should contact your prospective guests and start the conversation by saying, "Let me clarify ..." That way, anyone who wants to will be able to back out and there will be no misunderstandings. The lesson here is to never assume.

DEAR ABBY: I quit school in the 1970s and joined the service. I got my GED and I'm friends with a lot of the people I went to high school with. They constantly ask me to attend their high school reunion.

My problem is, I didn't graduate with my class and don't know if I should go. I don't want to feel awkward, but I'd love to see the classmates from that part of my life. What is protocol on this? -- UNSURE IN ATHENS, OHIO

DEAR UNSURE: Go to the reunion! I'm sure your former classmates will be as glad to see you as you will be to see them. It's not as if this is a state dinner; it's only a high school reunion, for heaven's sake.

DEAR ABBY: The wedding night I had dreamed about forever was supposed to be the most romantic and amazing of my life with the one person I can't live without. Instead, it was the most humiliating experience I have ever had. I dressed in a beautiful negligee, and my husband didn't even take a second look at me. I was so embarrassed, I rolled over and pretended to fall asleep. That was my big night, the one night I'll never get again.

This same man brags about the sexual encounters he had with his ex-wife, cyber sex and his 13-hour sexathon. When I try to touch him, he seems repulsed and pulls away. My heart can't take the never-ending rejection and the nights of crying because I don't know what I have done wrong.

The sad thing is, I'm pretty sure he has never even noticed. Even an intimate kiss would be enough for me now. I dream of a man who loves me so much he stares at me from across the room, who can't wait to get his hands on me even if it's just for a second. Unfortunately, that's not my marriage. Don't I deserve happiness? And will this ever change? -- UNTOUCHED IN TEXAS

DEAR UNTOUCHED: Of course you deserve happiness. But nothing will change until you start asking questions and demand answers. The only thing you have done "wrong" is to have tolerated the status quo.

Has it occurred to you that your husband has been lying to you about his sexual exploits? He may be impotent, gay, or so hooked on cyber porn that there is nothing left for you. Make it your business to find out. Ask him. And if he isn't forthcoming, talk with his ex-wife. If your marriage was never consummated, you may be entitled to an annulment.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago I was told by a fertility doctor that I can't have children. Having a husband, children and a home in which we can build memories and traditions were the only things I ever wanted in life.

Since then I have tried to find meaning in life and things to fill the huge void that would have been filled by my dreams. I have not been successful. I have been on antidepressants, gone to counseling, volunteered, held a job, traveled, and confided in loved ones who, frankly, don't want to hear about it any longer (and I don't blame them). But I still feel completely empty.

There isn't anything I look forward to in life. (I'm 45, divorced, most of my family has passed on, and I am an atheist.) I don't know what else to do or where else to turn. Can you help me? -- BROKEN RECORD

DEAR BROKEN: What immediately comes to mind is that feeling as you do about children, you might make a terrific foster parent or adoptive parent to an older child. There are many in the system who need loving, supportive homes.

However, if that doesn't work for you, consider looking into volunteering to become a court-appointed advocate for abused and neglected children through a program called CASA. CASA volunteers make sure these vulnerable children don't get lost in the legal system, and you might find that to be rewarding. You'll find more information about this at casaforchildren.org.