Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 54-year-old woman with three adult children and three grandchildren. I lost my mother 34 years ago, and my baby sister died 20 years ago.

My dad is 84 and lives alone. Although he was a good provider, he was abusive toward my mother and occasionally toward me and my siblings. Dad and my younger brother do not communicate, period. However, my older sister is a daddy's girl.

I have been married three times, and each man was in some way abusive -- physically, mentally or both. When I reached out to my dad for help, he would respond by telling me, "You're just like your mother, which is why I can't stand being around you sometimes. I wasn't responsible for her feelings, and I'm not responsible for yours."

I live in a three-bedroom bungalow and I tried to help relocate Dad closer. He refused, saying, "If I don't hear from you tomorrow or you die, I'll be OK. I was when your mother died and I will be after you." He has said that and worse to me throughout my life, and I'm afraid to continue contact with him for fear one day his words will break my spirit.

When I have shared this with family, I've been told, "He's all the father you have," or, "You have to pray for him." Please help me. I don't want to pray for him -- I want to stay far away from him. -- CONFLICTED IN OHIO

DEAR CONFLICTED: If you need my permission to move on and have a happy life, you have it, and no one should try to make you feel guilty for your decision. Your father has done enough damage to your soul. You do not have to allow him to hurt or disappoint you again.

Wanting to keep your distance from an abuser is both healthy and understandable. He may be "all the father you have," but the person you have described is a sorry excuse for a human being and not much of a man. You do not have to pray for him, nor do you have to have anything further to do with him.

DEAR ABBY: I am recently divorced. For financial reasons, as well as to be nice, I have allowed my ex-wife, "Cathy," and her daughter to live in our home with me and my kids. Cathy has her own bedroom and bathroom.

The subject of my living arrangements came up recently while I was on a date, and the woman immediately freaked out. She angrily informed me that I should have told her my ex-wife was living with me when we started talking. I felt it was something that could wait, at least past the first date. Despite the fact that we were married, Cathy and I are nothing more than roommates now.

When is it too late in a new relationship to divulge this arrangement? -- JOHN IN KENTUCKY

DEAR JOHN: You did nothing wrong. It is not unheard of for divorced couples to continue living together for financial reasons or to assist in co-parenting. If you told the woman about your living arrangement before becoming intimate with her, she had no reason to freak out.

DEAR ABBY: I have a grandson who is 13. He insists on wearing a hoodie, leather jacket and long jeans no matter what the weather. It is 80 degrees outside today and he's wearing them to a picnic. I have given up arguing with him on this. What gives? -- MYSTIFIED GRANDMA IN WASHINGTON

DEAR MYSTIFIED: Arguing with your grandson is a waste of your time and energy. He's more concerned about the image he wants to project than he is about his comfort. Some lessons have to be learned from experience, and this may be one of them.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 21-year-old son, "Jeremy," who doesn't like me much unless he needs something. I suspect it may have something to do with my tough parenting during his rebellious high school years.

He lives in another state with his girlfriend and their child, who will be a year old. Jeremy cuts off communication with me over the simplest disagreement. When I try to contact him, he won't respond, and it can go on for months. It hurts me, so I back away because I don't know when it might happen again.

Do you have any advice on how I can handle this and be part of Jeremy's and my grandchild's lives? -- RETREATING FROM THE PAIN & STRESS

DEAR RETREATING: Healthy people back away from painful situations, so it's no wonder you're "retreating." What's happening is you are on the receiving end of a dose of passive-aggressive behavior from your angry son. Jeremy's manipulation is hostile and deliberate.

Family therapy might help, if Jeremy and his girlfriend are willing. But as it stands, it appears the only way you will be a part of his (and your grandson's) life may be to buy your way in. However, do not mistake it for respect or affection, or you will only position yourself for more heartache.

DEAR ABBY: What are your thoughts on calling friends or family while they're on vacation?

Last week, my husband and I had a much-needed getaway. While there, I was called several times by a friend who knew I was on vacation. After I ignored several calls, I got a frantic text from her requesting I call back immediately because she was concerned because I wasn't answering. I texted back that I was fine, but on a noisy beach and unable to talk.

When I spoke with her after I returned home, it turned out she had wanted to chat about her boyfriend problems. I let her know that my vacation time is so limited each year that I usually don't check my phone.

I personally think making a non-emergency call to someone on vacation is rude and annoying. Am I right on this? -- DO NOT DISTURB IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR D.N.D.: I think so. That's why vacations are referred to as "getting away from it all."

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is a lifeguard at a local pool.

Caregivers, please take note: While she's disciplining your child for dunking another, she cannot watch other children who might be struggling to catch a breath. You cannot possibly watch all the children you brought with you while you're busy on your cellphone.

Yes, lifeguards save lives. But if the lifeguard has to be a disciplinarian and a baby sitter as well as do her own job, she might not see the baby who fell into the pool while you were flirting with the sexy guy sitting near you. Having a lifeguard present does not excuse parents from taking care of their children. Do YOUR job and prevent a tragedy from happening. -- VIGILANT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR VIGILANT: Thank you for reminding parents how important it is to watch their children at ALL times when they're near water. Too often we hear about the drowning death of a child because someone was distracted "for just a few moments." I hope my readers will take to heart your important message.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old gay man, out of the closet for 10 years. Throughout my life I have had to deal with low self-esteem and other issues. When I came out, my life changed dramatically for the better. However, I have never been in any kind of relationship. I never had a girlfriend when I was trying to pass for straight, nor have I ever had a boyfriend. Outside of immediate family, no one has ever said "I love you" to me. I'm the type of person who is instantly "friend-zoned."

As I get older, I'm feeling lonelier and lonelier. Friends tell me I'm better off, because lovers just break your heart. I'm willing to risk that for the opportunity to tell someone I love them and hear it in return, but at this point, I have no idea where to begin.

I have tried dating, but nothing has ever progressed beyond a first date. I don't know if there's something about my personality that makes me undatable or what. Do you have any advice? -- ALONE IN MISSOURI

DEAR ALONE: I doubt there is anything wrong with your personality. That you have never been in a relationship may have left you a little rough around the edges when it comes to romance.

I'm a firm believer that the more exposure someone has, the better the chances of finding what you're looking for. If you aren't active with a gay and lesbian community center, go online to lgbtcenters.org and research some in your area. You have to be "out there" for Prince Charming to find you. Join talk groups, fundraising groups, sports activities, and look into online dating. While you shouldn't go around with "Needy" tattooed on your forehead, let your friends -- gay and straight -- know you'd like to meet someone nice. Who knows? Maybe someone will have a brother -- or an uncle.