DEAR ABBY: I was at my brother-in-law's house with my husband and our 4-year-old daughter. We were playing our weekly video game, and when my brother-in-law won a round, he shouted a racial epithet. I asked him not to use it in front of my little girl because if she repeats it at school, she could be suspended, and we don't use that kind of language in our family.

Now he claims I "disrespected him" and I should apologize to him because it was his house and he can say what he wants. He doesn't have children of his own.

Who is right here? Is it OK to say whatever you want because it's your house, or is it better to use some censorship when there are children around? -- WONDERING IN WYOMING

DEAR WONDERING: You did the right thing. Your brother-in-law should watch his mouth when your daughter is present. Because he's unwilling to do that, limit her exposure to him. And if she hears him do it again, make sure to explain to her that the expression is one you do not want her to ever repeat.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old waitress who needs advice on how to handle older men when they continually flirt, touch and even ask for hugs while I'm serving them dinner. I work in an upscale dinner house. I feel sorry for their embarrassed wives and girlfriends who witness this disgusting behavior.

Waitresses have to put up with this kind of thing for tips. Is there anything I can do to prevent it and still receive a reasonable tip for good service? -- SICK AND TIRED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SICK AND TIRED: Yes. Keep your sense of humor. Smile a lot, laugh when appropriate and stand out of reach. Most of these men are harmless. They are trying to be friendly. Those who you find overtly offensive, you should turn over to another server. If the requests for hugs continue, talk to your manager for guidance in handling them.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee's son is gay and recently married. He is 30 and his spouse is 24. They don't have much money, so I hosted their wedding reception in my backyard. In addition to all the work involved -- getting the food and drinks, preparing the food, preparing the yard and cleaning up -- I wound up with $700 charged on my credit card. I have been out of work for the last three months and can't afford this.

I know tradition is that the father of the bride pays for the reception and the father of the groom pays for the drinks. In a gay wedding, is the new tradition that Mom's boyfriend pays while both dads don't spend a cent? Both of them work. I'm considering sending them each a polite bill for $300. What do you suggest? -- MODERN MAN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MODERN MAN: I suggest that you and your fiancee take care of the bill, and ask the grooms to pitch in what they can afford. I don't think it would be fair or appropriate to expect the new in-laws to pay for anything that wasn't clearly agreed upon before the wedding reception took place.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Sundown starts Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. This is the beginning of our time of solemn introspection. "Leshana tova tikatevu" -- may each of us be inscribed in the Book of Life and enjoy another good year.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and going into my second year of college. I was sexually and emotionally abused during my first two years of high school by a boy a year older than me. I attended therapy for a while and eventually found myself in a loving relationship with my boyfriend. We've been living together for a year.

Everything was going fine until I came home for summer break. I have never gotten over the feelings I had for my abuser, but I love my boyfriend and would never want to hurt him or endanger myself again. Why should I have feelings for someone who treated me so terribly? And what should I do about them? -- ABUSED AND CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABUSED AND CONFUSED: I commend you for recognizing that the status quo isn't in your best interest. Old habits die hard, and you may still be physically attracted to your abuser. Now that the school year is beginning again, head straight to the student health center and talk to a counselor about this. Do not put it off, because understanding this is important for your emotional well-being now and in the future.

DEAR ABBY: We are having a housewarming party and would like to invite a married couple we know. However, the wife is notorious for having one of her female friends tag along for everything they do -- movies, vacations, concerts. Everything! I don't care for the third wheel, and I don't want her at our party. What's the proper way to word the "guests only" without it sounding cold or insulting? -- NO TRESPASSING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NO TRESPASSING: After you issue the invitation, call the wife and tell her your party is for "guests only" and that you would prefer she not bring any extras. If she asks why, tell her the truth. It is a breach of etiquette to bring uninvited guests to someone else's party, so stop worrying about sounding cold or insulting because this couple appear to have hides of steel.

DEAR ABBY: I have asked my son to let me watch (via video chatting) my grandson open any gifts or cards I send. They live far away and I want to feel included. He promises to do it, but he never follows through.

My grandson is not being taught to have any regard for my feelings. What should I do? Should I drop the request and any expectation of contact? Should I stop sending gifts? It just upsets me too much. -- LONELY GRANDMA IN MICHIGAN

DEAR GRANDMA: I don't blame you for feeling upset, but the person you should be upset with is your son. If you stop sending gifts to your grandson, you'll be punishing the wrong person. His parents should be teaching him the importance of acknowledging gifts because it is part of basic good manners that will benefit him in the future.

Because you want to stay in contact, after sending the boy a gift, call to ask him if he received it and how he liked it. If you do, it may help you to establish a closer relationship.

DEAR ABBY: Last year, during her required physical for college, my 19-year-old daughter, "Lacey," was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. She is in denial and hasn't seen a doctor since. She doesn't take her medications and refuses to change her diet or exercise. She is also obese.

When I try to discuss this with her, she gets angry and storms away. Her school is three hours away and I'm worried something terrible will have to happen to make her get serious. She's in that "invincible/know-it-all/I don't care" teenage phase of her life.

There are already signs that her diabetes is out of control -- headaches, vision changes, foot sores, numbness in her hands and irritability. Any advice before it's too late? -- WORRIED SICK IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WORRIED SICK: Yes. There may be many reasons Lacey doesn't want to deal with her diagnosis right now. With starting college, meeting new friends and navigating the transition to adulthood, she has a lot she'd rather focus on, and issues that seem more immediately relevant. It may also be scary to think about her health, the possible consequences of diabetes and all that managing her condition entails.

People Lacey's age don't like to be told what to do or be nagged. So approach the issue as a conversation and demonstrate an interest in her perspective and goals. This can happen in bits and pieces over an extended period of time, as she comes to see you as a supportive resource.

You might start by saying, "What did you think of what 'Dr. Jones' said about Type 2 diabetes?" Then LISTEN. Resist the urge to tell her to do something. Instead, reflect back on what she says -- even if it's something you'd rather not hear, such as, "I have too many other things to worry about right now." Your goal is to get her talking and thinking, and let her know you're willing to listen and let her make her own decisions.

Once you get her talking, listen carefully for any signs that she's considering changes (eating more healthfully, joining a gym, trying medication suggested by her doctor) and show an interest in her thoughts, such as, "So you're thinking about eating healthier? What have you been doing?" Offer concrete support such as offering to help cover the cost of the gym, looking up diabetes-friendly recipes or helping her connect with a doctor close to her school. Tell her you'll support her any way you can.

In the meantime, engage in behaviors that Lacey needs to adopt, i.e., learning about diabetes and maintaining healthy eating and regular exercise habits. When she's home, set a good example. Tell her what you're doing and ask if she'd like to join you. Some resources you might find helpful are www.diabetes.org and www.mayoclinic.org/disease-conditions/type-2-diabetes/basics/definitions/con-20031902.

Change isn't easy. Progress often isn't a direct path. Remember, diabetes is just one part of her life. Let Lacey know she's valued as a person and capable of taking care of herself. But ultimately, the decision to do that must be hers.