DEAR ABBY: My brother and his wife have been married 3 1/2 years and have an 18-month-old daughter. My sister-in-law, "Barb," is either very rude or passive-aggressive to our mother in emails and when she thinks no one is around.

At Christmas, Barb sends out an email detailing what we are and are not allowed to buy for their daughter. If we can't do exactly what she wants, she threatens to cancel Christmas. This includes asking her permission before we buy any toys. Barb tells my mom that because her mother doesn't have much money, Mom can't spend more than her mother does. So, because my family has a little more money, we are being punished.

Barb is extremely demeaning and hurtful to us. I can't understand why my brother allows it. My husband and I are sick and tired of her acting this way, and the way she treats my mother is cruel. I'm tempted to confront her about how she has ruined Christmas for my parents. She basically doesn't allow us to have feelings, and I can't believe we are standing for it. Help! -- HOLIDAY HOSTAGE

DEAR HOSTAGE: Your sister-in-law may be telling your parents not to spend more money on gifts for the grandchild because she doesn't want her mother to be embarrassed. However, if her rude behavior extends beyond that, rather than take her on, the person you should "confront" about it is your brother.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are in the process of ordering our wedding invitations, and the phrase "the honor of your presence is requested" versus "the pleasure of your company is requested" is causing a problem.

The woman at the store insists we use the latter because the ceremony won't be in a church. My research on the internet says if the ceremony is a religious one, the phrase "the honor of your presence" is appropriate, and it is also our preference. However, if the ceremony is a civil one, the "pleasure of your company is requested" is the preferred one.

Our minister will be performing the ceremony in the gazebo at the country club. Although it's not a church, the ceremony will certainly be religious. What's the proper etiquette on this issue? Invitations are on hold until I hear from you. -- DONNA IN FLORIDA

DEAR DONNA: The salesperson at the store is mistaken. The wording on your wedding invitation is not determined by whether you are being married in a church.

I ran your letter by Lisa Grotts, a San Francisco Bay-area certified etiquette expert, who had this to say:

"The wording of wedding invitations varies, depending upon who is hosting the wedding, i.e., the parents of the bride or groom. If the bride's parents are hosting, then the phrase 'the honor of your presence' is correct. However, if you and your fiance (or other family members) are hosting the wedding, then the more modern terminology 'the pleasure of your company' is preferable."

DEAR ABBY: My 34-year-old daughter, "Martha," is a single mom. I adore my granddaughter. Martha needs me to give her $500 a month, plus cover emergencies (new tires, hospital bills for baby, etc.) in order to get by. She has said repeatedly that she wants to have another baby before she's 35.

Abby, it's a financial burden to help her as much as we have. My husband (her stepdad) believes, along with me, that we should help until her finances improve. Martha is awash in student debt and has a low-paying job. She lives 12 hours away, so we have to fly out to see them, which means we don't see them often.

My question: How can I tell her that having a second baby when she can't support the first is something I can't handle financially? I am becoming resentful. Our retirement has been dismal because all our money is going to her.

My daughter has a hair-trigger temper and would use access to my granddaughter as leverage to keep the money coming. I'm appalled that she's in this position and upset that I have to pay for her choices. -- APPALLED IN OHIO

DEAR APPALLED: You DON'T have to pay for your daughter's choices. Tell Martha that as an adult it is her responsibility -- not yours -- to provide for herself and her child, and that if she becomes pregnant before her finances improve to the point that she's self-supporting, not to expect one more penny from you.

Please consider starting to reduce the amount you give her and set a deadline beyond which you will no longer supplement her income. Martha may need to find a second job, but that's better than you spending all your retirement money shouldering her responsibilities.

Expect her to be angry. If she threatens to blackmail you with access to your grandchild, tell her that the person she'll be punishing is the little one, not you, and stick to your guns.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has purchased different pieces of equipment over the years. He recently bought a small tractor that he's very proud of and enjoys using around our property. He also has purchased a large trailer that he often uses to haul his equipment and other things.

His problem is friends who seem to think they can help themselves to his stuff. They actually have the audacity to say, "I may borrow your tractor, trailer, etc., tomorrow." I find this to be rude in that they are not asking -- they are telling him they will.

I told him to say he doesn't loan his equipment out, but he can't seem to be able to say that. Do you have a good comeback that he could use without offending his friends? -- FRAZZLED WIFE

DEAR FRAZZLED: You, not your husband, appear to be the person with the problem. Nowhere in your letter did you mention that HE thinks he has one. If he resents what these friends are doing, a solution might be for him to tell them to talk to YOU about borrowing the equipment, so you can refuse for him.

A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: If your little ones will be out trick-or-treating tonight, please be sure they are supervised to assure their safety.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Conflicted in California" (March 20), whose co-worker walks the "survivors' lap" in Relay for Life events. Her co-worker is what we call a "previvor," someone who took steps to lessen his or her chances of developing cancer. For other co-workers to belittle her for walking this lap is just plain mean. As a survivor, I have no problem with a previvor walking the lap. -- DIANE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR DIANE: In your letter, you made reference to "previvors." This is a term I was unfamiliar with. After doing some research, I found the following information on the site of Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered (FORCE). It reads:

"Cancer previvors are individuals who are survivors of a predisposition to cancer but haven't had the disease. The group includes people who carry a hereditary mutation, family history or some other predisposing factor. ... The term specifically applies to the portion of our community that has its own unique needs and concerns separate from the general population, but different from those already diagnosed with cancer."

Some of the letters my office received were vehemently against "Conflicted's" co-worker participating in the survivors' lap. Read on for more reader comments:

DEAR ABBY: The co-worker walking the survivor lap is a fraud. I am a two-time cancer survivor currently going through a round of chemotherapy. I call foul!

She had a genetic threat of cancer, but has not had it. She hasn't heard those horrible words confirming her worst fears. She hasn't felt the pain of a chemical cocktail shot into her veins, which can only be described as Drano mixed with napalm. She hasn't watched her hair fall out or seen her skin burned and charred from treatment. She chose elective surgery based on genetic markers.

If she wants to participate in Relay for Life, there is a caregiver lap and other activities she can participate in to honor her aunt and mother. She may have gone through pain and grief, but she is no survivor. -- SURVIVOR IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: It's sad that this has become a case of whose cancer was worse and a judgment of who can or should walk the lap. Just let her walk. It doesn't take away anything of value from anyone else. Relay for Life is an individual experience in a group environment.

I was once invited to walk the survivor lap and a "friend" came up and asked me point blank, "Why are you here? You only had thyroid cancer, not breast cancer!" I responded that I didn't realize cancer was a contest, and I walked the lap. -- LET IT BE

DEAR ABBY: How do I fight feelings of jealousy? I don't want to sulk over what other people have and I don't. I just want to live my life being unaffected by other people's riches, fertility and happiness. Any tips would be appreciated. -- JEALOUS IN COLORADO

DEAR JEALOUS: NOBODY has everything or a life that's completely problem-free. A way to minimize jealousy would be to be grateful for the positive things you DO have going for you. Quietly list them in your mind before going to sleep at night, and again in the morning before getting out of bed. If you do, it will set the tone for your day and help you to keep the green-eyed monster at bay.