DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Allen," and I have dated for almost three years and have been living together for three months. When we met, he had been divorced for more than two years. Allen has a 13-year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter. His kids learned about me after we had dated a year. His daughter, "Jen," attends college out of state. When she visits home, she stays only with her mom.

Last summer, Allen and I decided to buy a house together, found the perfect one, and went to make an offer when Jen stepped in and said if we lived together before August, after she returned to school, she wouldn't have anything to do with him. He told me I couldn't live with him until August.

I was devastated, but I didn't have a choice. Now we have a house together, Jen said she wants to spend time on Thanksgiving here at the house without me or my kids. She cried to her dad, saying if he doesn't do this he's excluding her and choosing my kids and me over her.

This will be my first holiday with my fiance, and I was really looking forward to it. We were having friends and family over. But now, because of her request, he wants me to leave for a few hours in the morning.

I'm torn. I feel like her behavior is extremely rude and he shouldn't give in to her, but she said she'll only see him under these conditions. Do I leave my house for a few hours on Thanksgiving, or tell her she's welcome but the kids and I are staying in our own home? -- DISRESPECTED OUT WEST

DEAR DISRESPECTED: It's time for you and Allen to have a serious discussion. Jen's demand is unreasonable. Have you set a wedding date yet? Does he plan to allow his daughter to control both of you once you are married?

You and your children should not have to vacate your home in order for her to visit with her father. Jen is an adult, and if she prefers to avoid the reality of your existence, it's her choice. Her father could visit with her elsewhere the day before or after Thanksgiving.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17, and a friend of mine who lives out of state, "Jane," has just told me she has dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder). I don't know how I should behave around her now because large parts of our history have correlated to her various identities. Some have come onto me, but others seemed to hate me.

Do you know where I can find help for dealing with a person afflicted by this? She doesn't want to tell her psychiatrist, and so far, only I and another friend know about this. -- WORRIED HOW TO BEHAVE

DEAR WORRIED: If your friend's psychiatrist doesn't know that she has dissociative identity disorder, I would hesitate to accept her self-diagnosis and so should you. The kindest thing you can do for her would be to urge her to fully disclose any symptoms she's been experiencing to her doctor, because if what you have written is accurate, she has not been doing that. Other than that, treat her as you always have, but do not allow her to abuse you.

DEAR ABBY: My just-married daughter has informed me that we will no longer celebrate Christmas together because her husband always spends it with his mother and wants to continue doing it that way.

When she saw my expression, she also told me not to look so hurt by it, because if her daughter (from a previous marriage) sees me upset, then she might get upset that she's not invited to go to California when my daughter, son-in-law and their daughter do. My granddaughter isn't invited because she isn't my son-in-law's daughter.

Can you believe that? When I told my daughter that isn't right and she's putting her daughter in a bad spot and that the girl will grow up with a lot of resentment, she told me not to worry about it and it isn't going to happen.

Abby, what can I do? I don't want to see my granddaughter hurt. Please answer soon. Christmas is coming. -- GRANDMA BECKY

DEAR GRANDMA BECKY: I agree that you shouldn't let your grandchild see how upset you are. Because geography prevents you and your son-in-law's parents from celebrating the holiday together, expect to make plans without your daughter in the future. That she would allow one of her children to be excluded because the girl isn't her husband's child is absolutely disgraceful. Her in-laws must be terribly insensitive to encourage it.

Assuming your granddaughter lives close by, why don't you have her stay with you while her mother is away? The greatest gift is the gift of self, and that way, neither of you will be alone.

DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for 17 years, but my father appears to have trouble letting go. Some examples: Although he never wore a wedding ring, he does wear a widower's band, and he tells people he "lost" his wife. Recently, he talked to my brother about getting a tattoo of my mother's name. Suffice it to say, my brother told him it was inappropriate.

My general policy has been to let Dad cope however he likes. I live 400 miles away and my brother still lives physically close to him. I understand that divorce can be traumatic, having lived through theirs as a child as well as my own. Is there any way I can help Dad cope with this?

He is having health problems now. I think they are forcing him to confront his own death, but this has been going on for more than a decade. Lately, I find myself rolling my eyes and laughing it off. But privately, I worry this could be a sign of something worse because it appears to be escalating.

Are there resources for coping with divorce? He won't consider therapy -- I've tried. -- WORRIED DAUGHTER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR WORRIED DAUGHTER: While I have heard of widowed individuals switching their wedding band to the right hand, the concept of a "widower's band" is new to me. Your father may be ashamed that he is divorced, which is why he prefers to imply that he's widowed.

I agree with you and your brother that the idea of him tattooing your mother's name on his body would have been inappropriate. I do think that you should discuss your concerns about your dad's mental health with your brother because you say his peculiarities seem to be increasing, and he may need a physical and neurological evaluation.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 19, and for the past year I have been out of my parents' house (at last!). I'm realizing now that the years I spent with Mom and Dad were different than other people's. My parents weren't physically abusive, but they were mentally and emotionally abusive, and it has scarred me in some ways. Because I was never allowed to speak my mind, I shut down if anybody raises his or her voice to me.

When I was growing up, they used exercise as a punishment. If my brothers or I were late, it was 10 pushups. They also forced us to go through exercise programs. Naturally, as soon as I was free from them, I stopped exercising altogether.

I now realize I need to exercise again as I am technically obese, and I need to lose the weight while I'm still young. My problem is, I'm not motivated. I tell myself I'll go out and run, signed up for a gym -- even got a running buddy. But I find myself making excuses and tricking myself out of going. What are some ways I can help myself mentally so I can get going on this ever-growing problem? -- CHUBBY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CHUBBY: Your parents may have meant well when they insisted that you and your siblings get involved in exercise programs, but they were wrong to use exercise as a punishment.

While I can see why you now view exercise that way, its benefits are more far-reaching than weight loss. Being physically active benefits your heart and brain, and in addition, can be an effective stress reducer. It doesn't necessarily have to be running. Perhaps tennis, bowling or dancing would be more enjoyable for you.

"Tricking" yourself can work two ways, but while I don't advise tricking yourself to make yourself get off the couch, I think the adage "the way to get out of a jam is not to get into one in the first place" applies here. Some suggestions:

When you get out of bed in the morning, have your exercise clothes already laid out. Instead of reading or listening to the news, put them on immediately. Then eat some protein to boost your energy, and go out and do what you need to do.

Don't expect to run a marathon immediately. Start slowly and remember that stamina isn't built overnight. Eventually, you will establish a routine -- like brushing your teeth.

I won't lie to you. It takes discipline. But now that you have "escaped" from your parents, YOU have to be your OWN parent, so it's up to you not to let yourself be lazy.

P.S. When you're on your way out the door, thank your higher power that you are able to do exercise because many people are not so fortunate. And if you catch yourself slacking off after trying what I have suggested, then consider consulting a licensed mental health professional to overcome your aversion to exercise.