Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am deathly afraid of snakes! My daughter, who lives in Canada, recently informed me that they had acquired one through a teacher at my grandsons' school. Of course, the three boys are thrilled.

My problem is, we are going to visit my daughter and her family in a few weeks. I am terrified to the point of losing sleep and breaking down crying just thinking about it. What should I do? I want to see my family, but there is no house big enough for me AND a snake. Please help. --TERRIFIED IN CYPRESS, TEXAS

DEAR TERRIFIED: If you were planning to stay at your daughter's, scale back your plans and reserve a room at a nearby hotel or motel. This will give you eight or 10 hours a day nowhere near the reptile. If your daughter is unaware of your phobia, put her on notice that the snake is to be confined to its cage in a room with a firmly closed door while you are in the house -- and further, you do not wish to make its acquaintance.

Talk to your doctor before you go and ask for enough anti-anxiety medication to calm your nerves while you are there. Then go and have a good time.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 12 years and I have few common interests. I am earthy, nature-loving, people-loving and crave a rural lifestyle. He's an introvert, loves everything Western, enjoys his downtime and watches a lot of television. He dislikes animals and is a sports fanatic.

I don't criticize his interests. I allow him his hobbies. My problem is, our dreams of the future can't be combined. My off-the-grid homestead and his 70-inch TV don't exactly fit.

It's depressing that we don't appreciate each other's interests, and doing all of our hobbies separately is lonely. How can I experience my dreams when they are not my husband's dreams? -- HIPPIE JANE IN PROVO, UTAH

DEAR HIPPIE JANE: Try doing that by remembering what you had in common with your husband 13 years ago. Is the core of your relationship still a good one? Couples don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7. Can't each of you enjoy your hobbies and interests separately? Many couples do.

However, if the answer is that you have grown increasingly apart in the last 12 years, the only way you can each experience your dreams may be to do it alone or with other like-minded people.

DEAR ABBY: We took my wealthy daughter, husband and their four children to dinner at a very nice restaurant. We insisted on paying. In fact, we even restricted what we ordered so they could each have an expensive dish that they only picked at.

When it was over and it was obvious that they weren't taking home any leftovers, I started to motion to our waitress to ask for take-home boxes so my wife and I could take all of their uneaten food. My wife shot me the "don't you dare!" look, so all of it wound up in a dumpster. Needless to say, it became an issue. Was I wrong to want to take home their uneaten meals? -- PEEVED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PEEVED: Not as far as I'm concerned. Because your daughter and her family didn't like what they ordered -- and you were footing the bill -- there was no breach of etiquette in asking for a box for the leftovers.

DEAR ABBY: I recently realized I have a fair-weather family. My husband got in trouble with the law and is now in a drug treatment facility. This had been hard on me, but I love him.

His crime was being in possession of illegal drugs that were intended only for himself. His family has turned their backs on us. My family will invite me to family functions, but if I mention him, they walk away. I have been feeling very alone and isolated throughout this entire process.

Today I went for my follow-up OB-GYN appointment and was referred to an oncologist for further testing and treatment. I don't even want to tell my family. I spoke with one close friend who said my parents and siblings have a right to know what is going on, but I feel differently. I think families should support each other through everything. They don't get to pick and choose. What do you think? -- DOING THIS ALONE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DOING THIS ALONE: I know you are angry with your relatives, but if you think you will be punishing them by keeping your diagnosis to yourself, you won't. I agree with your friend that your family should be told what's going on with you, not because they have a right to know, but because you may at some point need their help.

DEAR ABBY: In the past, you have printed letters about neighbors taking food to people who are grieving. I recently lost my wife of 57 years. Her death was unexpected. I ended up with a refrigerator and freezer overflowing with so much food I could not eat it all. Losing someone dear to you kills your appetite. Trust me, at a time like this, you aren't hungry.

May I offer an alternative to cooking food and taking it over, especially if the recipient lives alone? Call the person and invite him or her to dinner at your home, or ask what night you could bring dinner over and have supper with the individual.

Speaking from firsthand experience, for me the worst time of day (besides bedtime) is being alone at dinner when daylight fades. What's hard isn't that I might have to prepare or warm up some of the food someone thoughtfully brought, but it's the emptiness of the house -- the sense of isolation.

About two weeks after the funeral, a couple of dear friends invited me over for dinner and games. They understood what a difference it would make in helping me cope with a great loss. And bless my daughter and "son-in-love" for their insistence that I have dinner with them every Sunday, at a minimum, with their family. -- GRATEFUL IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR GRATEFUL: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your wife, and thank you for taking the time to point out how important companionship can be for people who are grieving.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 20 years and have three children, ages 10 to 17. Our oldest is a senior in high school. Her best friend, "Maya," is a friend of the family we have known for 10 years. Maya's parents have been divorced for as long as we've known her. She lives with her single mom. Her dad moved out of state.

Maya spends a lot of time with us on weekends, and we have all embraced her as another family member. Recently, Maya pulled me aside and asked if I could be a father figure in her life. I was honored and immediately agreed. Now when she comes over she calls me "Dad" and even says "I love you." I say it back.

Last week, my wife mentioned that our younger two children have noticed the bond between me and Maya and are upset about it. How can I be there for Maya through these tough teen years without alienating my own younger kids? -- FAMILY GUY IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR FAMILY GUY: Consider having a talk with your younger children and explaining to them that the more love there is in this world, the better our world will be. Explain that Maya has no father in her life, and that any affection you express for her does not lessen the love you feel for them, and they will always be "No. 1" in your heart.

This does not, however, mean that you cannot have love for Maya, too, and say it when you think she needs to hear it. If you haven't already been doing it, make special time for your younger children that does not include Maya. If you do, perhaps it will help them to feel less threatened.

DEAR ABBY: Allow me to offer a word of encouragement to young boys who are short in stature: All your life, you will hear thoughtless remarks about your height. "He's short. That's so sad. It will hold him back in life. He'll have trouble with girls," and so on. Don't listen to a word of it!

I am now a senior citizen. Not once has being short held me back from anything I wanted in life -- relationships, money, career, friends and respect. Other people may have stereotypes, but do not let them control your goals and dreams. You can have whatever you want in life, so go for it! -- MIKE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MIKE: There is no height requirement for success. As I write this I am thinking of Prince, Elton John, Michael J. Fox, Kevin Hart, Danny DeVito and every jockey who races for the Triple Crown. (My lawyer is also short in stature, but I measure him only from the eyebrows up.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 18 and have never had a boyfriend. I really, really like a boy from church, but I don't know how to approach him. He has a job and is in his second year of college.

We're good friends, but he's so busy with work and school that I never see him, not even on Sundays. It's upsetting. I'd really like to be more than friends. What should I do? -- CRUSHING IN INDIANA

DEAR CRUSHING: Because of the schedule he is on, I don't think you have much choice other than to wait until his classes end and he's on holiday or summer break. In the meantime, do not put your life on hold. Stay busy with friends and other activities, and who knows? You may meet somebody else who's also interesting.