Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: We visit my in-laws two or three times a year. During our most recent visit, my kids (ages 12 and 14) were roughhousing with their cousins and accidentally slammed a door, which resulted in a broken frame. Their grandpa had asked them to stop, which they apparently didn't do.

Now, three months later, my in-laws are visiting us, and my mother-in-law is having the kids pay for the frame. When I spoke up and let her know I thought this was inappropriate, she became very upset and said, "Kids these days don't have any consequences," and this is what she and the kids had agreed should happen. I emphasized in front of the kids how important it is to listen, to be accountable for your actions and to see what they could've done to make it up to her.

I'm just not comfortable with her still holding onto this and expecting them to pay for the frame. It seems to me that a conversation about respect and listening is plenty appropriate but, after that, shouldn't my mother-in-law have gracefully let it go? These kids, by the way, get excellent school reports, play instruments and sports, and are considered by most people to be great kids.

Was I wrong to express my opinion that having the kids pay her is inappropriate? If it wasn't, then maybe we shouldn't visit at her home, since it's filled with breakable valuables. I am very frustrated by my controlling mother-in-law. -- UPSET IN MORRO BAY

DEAR UPSET: Your "great kids" ignored their grandfather when he asked them to quit roughhousing, and the result was significant property damage. If they had agreed with their grandmother that there would be restitution -- I assume the same was true of their cousins -- you were wrong to interfere. That you would do this in the presence of your kids was a mistake.

I agree with your mother-in-law that one of the problems in our society today is the lack of accountability or consequences when people do something wrong. I applaud her for sticking to her guns, and you owe her an apology.

DEAR ABBY: I am going to my girlfriend's mother's 60th birthday party. I just found out that her younger sister is pregnant -- unbeknownst to her parents -- and she plans to surprise them the next day on their mom's actual birthdate. The little sister has asked that we not drink at the dinner because she doesn't want to feel left out. This caused an argument between me and my girlfriend because I think her request is silly and kind of selfish.

Is there a rule of etiquette about this? Isn't it weird that someone would ask that you not drink a couple of beers or a glass of wine at a birthday dinner? If I'm on a diet, I don't ask people to eat only salad or to order less around me. I think she should make a "headache/not feeling well" excuse rather than try to limit/control the fun of others. -- SOCIAL DRINKER

DEAR SOCIAL DRINKER: No rule of etiquette covers this. I agree that you shouldn't have to abstain at the celebration if you prefer to indulge. However, the decision should be voluntary and not imposed upon you. Your girlfriend may prefer not to have alcohol that night to support her sister, but that doesn't mean you must.

DEAR ABBY: My mom lives with me and my hubby. Recently I found out that she walks around at night because she hears noises or is restless -- and puts her ear on our bedroom door, too!

I was shocked. I think this is a complete invasion of my privacy, and I was embarrassed to no end. I now avoid getting intimate with my hubby, and he has no idea why.

I have to be sensitive about what I say to Mom because she underwent surgery recently and she has a lot of medical issues. How should I handle this? -- NO NOISE FOR MS. NOSY

DEAR NO NOISE: The first thing you should do is tell your husband why you have been avoiding intimacy. If you don't, he may think it has something to do with him or the way you feel about him, and that's neither true nor fair.

Your mother's wandering around at night may be nosiness, or it could be insomnia or other medical issues. Her inability to sleep should be mentioned to her doctor so the cause can be determined. If you're correct that it's nosiness, then it should be handled firmly -- by you and your husband -- and some other living arrangement for her should be made.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column since I was a little girl. Now, at 35, I need your advice.

For years, a friend of mine was in love with me. I didn't want to ruin the friendship by getting into a relationship, so I'd brush off his advances.

After six years, I realized he was a good man who would do anything for me, so I decided to go on a date. The date led to marriage, but now, five years later, we are divorced because I realized we were better off as friends rather than spouses.

He was OK with the divorce and moving out because he knew I would be happier, and he wanted me to be happy. Now that he's gone, I am sad that I have lost my friend. I miss the friendship we once had, and I'm heartbroken. It feels like I have suffered a death. Can you please help me? I'm not sure what to do. -- LOST OUT WEST

DEAR LOST: In a sense, you HAVE suffered a death -- the death of your marriage. Give yourself time to grieve.

If you thought that after divorcing your husband you could go back to being friends as though the marriage never happened, you were unrealistic. From his perspective, he has been rejected on a very basic level. In order to get past it, he may need time and distance from you. That's understandable.

In the meantime, stay busy with friends and projects because that will give you less time to brood. If you're not exercising, start now. Regular exercise can help to lessen depression. However, if your sadness persists, discuss it with a licensed psychotherapist so it doesn't become chronic.

DEAR ABBY: A co-worker has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She's not sure how long she may have. She is relatively young, so it's tragic. We have excellent insurance from work, national health care and disability insurance.

Another co-worker sent out an email with a link to a crowdfunding site as well as an invitation to a party selling products. The proceeds will be donated to fulfilling a "cancer bucket list," which includes pampering, trips and other luxuries.

I sympathize with anyone having a terminal illness, but why does that mean I have to give money? Do they have a right to be pampered on other people's dime?

This kind of fundraising, without real financial need, seems to happen often: Co-workers who have had accidents, fires, unexpected or stressful incidents all have office collections set up, even when they are fully insured and the damage is covered by their policies. A friend (or Human Resources) contacts everyone who has had even a passing interaction with the individual and solicits donations.

I am happy to write letters and notes to people I know are having a hard time. I visit with closer friends and may bring a meal or flowers to their home. But people I've spent only a few hours of my life with asking for money for luxuries seems nervy to me. Am I a tightwad, or is a financial donation necessary to express condolences? -- TIGHTWAD IN CANADA

DEAR TIGHTWAD: Because you receive a solicitation does not mean you are obligated to respond to it. (Unless the "solicitor" is holding a gun, in which case I would advise you not to argue.) Whether to make a donation for something like this is your choice, and if you choose not to join in, you should not feel -- or be made to feel -- guilty if you decline.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is being married in June. Her father -- my ex -- has let her know she must invite his new wife's parents to the wedding. They are drinkers, and have in the past been very rude to my daughter. She has no relationship at all with them and doesn't want them at her wedding. She is aware that this will cause hard feelings with her stepmother and her father.

My soon-to-be son-in-law called me asking for advice. I said maybe they should be invited to keep peace in the family, but my daughter is very upset at the idea of having these people around on her "special day." Any advice? -- WEDDING INVITE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WEDDING INVITE: Your ex-husband's new in-laws are not related to your daughter and do not appear to have made an effort to befriend her. Because of that, I see no reason why they "must" be invited, unless your ex is footing the bill for the wedding.

If this is the case, and the wedding is a large one, the couple could be seated "in Siberia," which might be a less than satisfactory, but workable, solution. (Why they would insist on coming under these circumstances, I can't say, but some people will do almost anything for a free dinner.)