Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My son's fiancee set their wedding date without asking me if I could make it. I recently took a job on the West Coast. As a campground manager and new employee, I can't get time off Labor Day weekend to fly back to the East Coast for the wedding. (Labor Day is one of the big summer holidays for campgrounds.)

His fiancee has done other hurtful things in the past, and I can't help but doubt it was an oversight that I wasn't consulted before their wedding date was set. When I tried to talk to my son about it, I received the anticipated hostility I usually get from him.

My question to you is, should I pay for their caterer? I have given this son so much money over the years that I can't help but believe he's a user. Advice, please. -- EXCLUDED OUT WEST

DEAR EXCLUDED: If your son had wanted you to be at his wedding, you would have been consulted before the date was set. His fiancee didn't consult you because that is probably the way your son wanted it. Under the circumstances, you should not pay for any of the wedding expenses. If you feel you must do something, send them a congratulatory card wishing them "a lifetime of happiness together." Period.

DEAR ABBY: I'm the mother of two teenagers, ages 13 and 15. I am trying to teach them to do chores and help around the house, but all I get is attitude from them.

I try to explain that I didn't grow up with a dishwasher and I washed all the dishes by hand. Well, now that we have a dishwasher, they don't want to load or unload it either! I try not to spoil my kids, but I guess it's too late. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I just do the chores myself.

What am I doing wrong as a parent? My kids are either on their iPhone or iPad or Xbox. They have a better childhood than I ever had, but they don't understand. It's hurtful when their response is "Let me live," or "You don't understand anything," or "I can't wait to get out of the house and get away from you!" This is very hurtful, and I guess I just needed to vent to someone other than my husband. Thanks for letting me. -- STRESSED-OUT MOM

DEAR MOM: You're welcome. Now, may I offer a suggestion? You should not be doing your teenagers' chores for them. Instead, start instituting consequences if they shirk their responsibilities. An effective consequence would be to confiscate their iPhone, iPad or Xbox if the chores aren't done when they're supposed to be. And if they talk disrespectfully to you -- ditto!

DEAR ABBY: If I am standing in line waiting for a friend to arrive at a store that's about to open for a sale, when my friend arrives, is it OK for her to join me where I've been holding the spot, or should we move to the back of the line so customers behind us don't feel like she is butting in? -- NO BUTTS ABOUT IT

DEAR NO BUTTS: Lines for sales can be long, and people sometimes wait many hours to get into the stores. According to Emily Post, "Courteous people never break into line." It might be diplomatic to ask the person standing in back of you if he or she minds if your friend joins you. Some might object; others not.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widow and have been seeing someone for two years. He often stays at my home. He treats me well, but we have different tastes in furnishings. He brings me trinkets and tacky accessories from his home that I do not display. My spare bedroom closet is filled with these unwanted items. He knows I can afford to buy the things I like.

Recently he gave me two gifts -- both new -- neither of which I feel are appropriate for me. I appreciate the thought, but why would he continue to do this? He can clearly see they are not on display in my home, which would indicate I don't like or want them.

This man is not a cheapskate. He takes me for nice dinners, movies, brings flowers and chocolates as well. I don't want to hurt his feelings. Should I continue to accept the gifts and pretend I'm thrilled? I don't want to appear to be ungrateful or spoiled, because he is kind and generous. -- JANE DOE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR JANE: Before this man spends any more money on gifts you put in a closet, have a talk with him. Explain that while you appreciate the thought behind the trinkets he gives you, you have different tastes, and suggest that the next time he wants to give you something that you pick it out "together." (It doesn't take a crystal ball to see a yard sale in your future.)

DEAR ABBY: My 85-year-old mother is in a dysfunctional relationship with my 50-year-old, alcoholic brother. He lives with her rent-free and abuses her emotionally and verbally. It has gotten physical at times, although she says he has never hit her.

He was recently arrested for domestic violence against his girlfriend, who is a drug addict. Mom has dialed 911 more than once, but the last time she told the officers it was a "mistake" because he's on probation, and she didn't want him to go to jail.

I'm at a loss about what to do because if I have social services look into it, I risk ruining my relationship with my mom, and she's not in the best of health. Should my siblings and I take a stand, step in and do something about it? -- WANTS TO HELP MOM

DEAR WANTS TO HELP: By all means! A report should be made to adult protective services in your state because elder abuse can involve emotional and financial exploitation of a vulnerable adult, as well as physical abuse.

DEAR ABBY: I am a Southern girl born in Virginia, now living in Florida. I have an accent. Why is it that people make fun of your accent when you are from the South, but not from up North? -- PONDERING IN FLORIDA

DEAR PONDERING: I'm not sure your assumption is correct. I have heard people imitate Boston and New York accents as well as Southern accents. Years ago, an Australian gentleman used his "American accent" on me, and had me fooled for about 15 minutes. I assume people do this because they think it's funny and not out of a desire to hurt anyone's feelings.

P.S. Isn't imitation the sincerest form of flattery?

DEAR ABBY: My younger sister lives at home with our parents. She suffers from a learning disability as well as some serious mental health issues that are under control. She is a bright, sweet person who -- with some help -- could become semi-independent. However, my parents have made no serious attempts to encourage this.

She graduated from high school 10 years ago and has sought no further education or employment opportunities. She spends most of her time in her room playing video games. I have tried to offer suggestions like volunteering or joining an organization. While this is met with polite positivity, it has inspired no action.

Our parents are getting older, and if my sister isn't able to live independently, the burden of supporting her will fall on me. I am not permitted to express how frustrating this situation is or how sad it makes me. I am shut out of the conversation, even though my future and the future of my own family is involved. I live far away, but keep in touch regularly. What can I say or do to encourage change? -- THE BAD SISTER

DEAR "BAD" SISTER: Your parents are doing your sister no favors by keeping her isolated and dependent. This is a conversation that needs to take place with them in person, rather than from a distance.

You and your husband should meet with them face to face. It's important that you understand what financial provisions they have made for your sister in the event of their deaths, and you should know exactly what your responsibilities will entail.

Years ago, one of my assistants was in a situation just like yours. His younger brother was mentally disabled and lived with their parents until their deaths. At that point, responsibility for the younger brother was left to the older brother.

The parents had assumed that the same kind of living arrangement would continue. However, the gentleman who worked with me understood that it would not be healthy for either of them, so he arranged for his brother to move to a group home. There he was able to participate in activities and, for the first time in his life, to make friends. If your sister doesn't have the skills to live independently, this may be the solution for her, too.

DEAR ABBY: I'm retired and living full time in my RV. During the summer months, more folks travel as I do, many of them with children. While I think this is a wonderful experience for families, some parents appear to forget that there are others in the campground and allow their children, regardless of age, to roam around unsupervised.

This can be dangerous because large vehicles may not see small children dart into their path. Also, while they might know their neighbors at home, you have no idea who might be parked nearby at a campground. This means that unless invited, children (and adults) should not cut through occupied sites.

Just like at home, common sense and courtesy will make camping a safe and enjoyable experience for everyone. -- MARGARET IN SIOUX FALLS

DEAR MARGARET: Amen! Thank you for the reminder to your fellow travelers.