Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old daughter has just finished school. She now wants to take a gap year and work to save enough to travel overseas. The problem is, she's so eager to get away from home that she wants to move to another city to work.

I have advised her that staying home and working will allow her to save more to travel, and she would have to pay for her food, accommodation and transportation, and would have little left over to save to travel. She got upset with me and could not understand why I wouldn't want to pay her rent or support her. Am I being unreasonable saying that she should pay her own way if she moves out of the home? -- MOM IN JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA

DEAR MOM: If anyone thinks that an attitude of entitlement is strictly a problem in the United States, your letter should banish that notion. What you told your daughter makes perfect sense. If she wants independence, she should be prepared to accept the responsibility for living that way.

I would, however, encourage you to continue the dialogue with her so you can understand why she feels the need to live apart from you, on the chance that a compromise might be possible. I'm sure it would be enlightening.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and his sister had a rough childhood in foster care. Long story short, they lost contact for 10 years -- until now. She found us on Facebook and was desperate to know if she had found her brother or not. My husband ignored her. He isn't sure he ever wants to rebuild a relationship with her.

I know that's his decision to make, and if he doesn't want her in his life, that's fine. But I couldn't live with myself if I ignored her, too. I just wanted her to know she could stop looking and wondering if her brother is still alive. So I told her. She was grateful to have some closure and know that he is doing well, and she reassured me that she wouldn't contact him again unless he reaches out to her. Even if they never talk again, I think she deserved to know she had found him.

Now I feel guilty for going behind his back and meddling in things that aren't my business. But I can't imagine spending my whole life searching for a family member, when someone could have been honest with me and given me peace of mind. Did I make a terrible mistake, and should I come clean to my husband about what I did? -- FEELING GUILTY IN GEORGIA

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: You failed to mention the reason for your husband's ambivalence about re-establishing a relationship with his sister. Now that she has found you on Facebook, she can follow his whole life, unless you block her. Whether you made a terrible mistake remains to be seen. If the sister contacts your husband again, you will have to tell him what you did. He may have wanted to protect his privacy. As long as she doesn't, I think you should keep your mouth shut.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together for eight years. When we first met, I was in the military and she was a bartender. Needless to say, she made far more money than I did at the time. Six months into our relationship, she got pregnant and quit her job. For the next seven years she raised our children and went to school while I did whatever I had to do -- working two jobs -- to make enough to pay the bills.

I am now out of the military. I have been at a company for six years, and we are finally reaching a point where we don't worry about money as much. She will graduate from school soon, and hopefully start working right after. She now says that when she starts working, she wants to keep separate bank accounts and split the bills evenly based on pay.

Until now, I haven't resented her for not working because she has been caring for our children, our home and has been a full-time student, but the thought of her wanting to keep her money to herself is weird and hurtful to me. How can I bring this up with her without it making it seem like I think she owes me something? -- SEPARATE ACCOUNTS IN TEXAS

DEAR SEPARATE ACCOUNTS: Ask your wife why she wants to separate your finances, because marriage is supposed to be a partnership. She does "owe you something" -- an explanation.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 65-year-old cross-dresser who has a deep, burning desire to be a woman. I guess you could call me gender dysphoric. I will never realize this dream of mine, though, and I have accepted myself as I am and have learned to live with it. I am not depressed.

My situation is difficult because my wife does not approve, so I try to be discreet. Sometimes I underdress and finish my hair and makeup in the car in a park. Then I'll walk or go shopping. I like people to see me like this. Because they don't know me, I'm sure sometimes they see a man in a dress, but I don't mind.

However, I am always alone in my altered state and all the groups meet at night. I'm a daytime person, and it's much easier to get out as "Sheila" in the late mornings and early afternoons. Is there some way for me to find some groups that meet in the afternoon? Is there someone I can contact? I appreciate your help. -- JUST A DREAM

DEAR JUST A DREAM: An organization that has appeared in my column before may be helpful for you. It's the Society for the Second Self (Tri-Ess International), and it offers not only support for heterosexual cross-dressers, but also their spouses, partners and families.

It's the oldest and largest support organization for cross-dressers and the people who love them. It promotes cross-dressing with dignity and decency, and treats spouses on an equal basis with their cross-dressers. To learn more about it, contact Tri-Ess at www.tri-ess.org.

DEAR ABBY: I am in shock. My grown son, "Ryan," recently told me he was molested by his late father when he was a young boy. I had no idea, but I believe him. Ryan is an only child and has recently started seeing a counselor.

I loved my husband very much and I believed he loved me, but I no longer know what to think or how to feel. If he were still alive, I would most likely leave him. But what do I do with more than 40 years of mostly good memories? When I think about my late husband now, I just feel numb. Please help. -- NOT A CLUE IN INDIANA

DEAR NOT A CLUE: That your son didn't tell you sooner, while you could have intervened, is regrettable. And that he is now seeing a counselor about it is laudable -- you should give him all the love and support you can. I don't blame you for having mixed emotions, but at this point it is too late for you to change anything. Hang onto the good memories and let them comfort you, because you can't change history.

DEAR ABBY: I saw myself in the Jan. 15 letter from "Diana in San Diego," the lifelong compulsive nail biter who wants to stop. I was diagnosed with trichotillomania (hair pulling and skin picking) three years ago, and it is closely related to nail biting. The trichotillomania learning center website, www.trich.org, is worth checking out for treatment options such as medications, behavioral therapy and support groups. -- ERICA IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR ERICA: Thank you for the information. I received a deluge of helpful, caring responses to Diana's letter, and several readers mentioned trichotillomania in the more severe cases. Some had taken my advice to keep an emery board and cuticle scissors nearby a step further, by learning to do a full manicure and suggested she paint her nails a dark or bright color to help her stop biting.

Buffing was mentioned as a way to smooth imperfections that could be "triggers." A reader in Virginia added decorations to her nails -- decals, stencils and rhinestones -- that served as an impediment and cured her of the habit.

Other readers have used artificial (acrylic) nails as a way to allow their natural fingernails to grow out. James in Delaware helped his ashamed then-fiancee hide her bitten-off, stubby nails when showing off her engagement ring by suggesting she put on artificial ones. While she proudly showed off the ring to everyone, her own nails grew out beautifully and she never chewed them again.

Additional growing-out tips mentioned by readers were: coating the nails with a hardening solution, keeping the cuticles moist with petroleum jelly, cuticle cream -- even lip balm. A reader reassured Diana that there are indeed "bad-tasting" products that successfully work as a deterrent.

Keeping the hands busy has helped many readers. Breaking off a corner of one of her front teeth stopped Pat in Texas. Others found addressing a vitamin deficiency did the trick for them. Wearing a tight rubber band around the wrist to snap when the urge hits can give a nail-biter the incentive to stop. And from Sandi in San Francisco: "A teacher showed me an enlarged picture taken from a microscope of what was under fingernails. Now I don't even think about biting!"