DEAR ABBY: I am a first-time mom of a toddler. I suffer from (and am being treated for) anxiety issues.

Abby, I am having trouble finding the balance on gun safety and awareness in other people's homes -- especially if my daughter will be visiting. I grew up in a household where my father hunted and had guns in the house. However, he stored them safely in a locked cabinet and was the only one with access to the key. He also stored ammunition separately.

Where do I draw the line? Do I ask everyone whose house I'll be going to whether or not they have guns? What are the appropriate questions? Do I ask where they are stored and who has access? What else should I ask? Or should I mind my own business? I know the questions won't be appreciated by everyone because it will seem like I am questioning their judgment. -- FIRST-TIME MOM IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR FIRST-TIME MOM: If you start asking other parents whether they have guns in their homes and how they store them, your questions may be off-putting. Because you are concerned for your child's safety, why not offer to have the kids visit your house for playdates? I'm sure many of the parents will be glad to have some free time, and it shouldn't offend anyone.

DEAR ABBY: I've been in an extramarital relationship for 10 years. My husband knows, and so do my close friends.

I love this man dearly, but neither of us want it to be full-time. I have children at home and don't want to disrupt anything. We meet once or twice a week. He touches base with me several times a day, and is attentive where my husband never was.

My husband isn't bitter about the relationship anymore. However, my two closest friends continually say, "Well, why lie to yourself? You know you just say you don't want things full-time so you don't drive him away," which isn't true. We have a great thing -- we travel, we have long discussions, and I can open up to him without any repercussions, bouncing ideas and thoughts off of each other without judgment or criticism.

But I really don't want this to be full-time. I enjoy it like I enjoy a good book and a glass of wine -- not every day, but an indulgence and a pleasure. It also feels good to hear "I'm thinking of you" first thing every morning and the last thing every night. I am flattered.

It feels horrible that my two best friends can't understand that I give of myself to my community and my family and need something that is just for me. I have reached the point where I don't want to have these discussions with my friends anymore, so I avoid them. How can I get across to them that I'm fine and happy and content? -- JUST FOR ME

DEAR JUST: You say you are happy and content, and your husband is OK with the arrangement. Don't you think it's time you stopped trying to "sell" the concept of open marriage to your women friends? By now it should be clear that they do not understand. They probably never will. Most people don't. Let it lie!

DEAR ABBY: I have a longtime friend I see almost every day. She's an awesome friend. Her children are adults. One of them is gay; the other is a transgender male. I respect her for supporting her children, learning everything there is to know about the LGBT community and seeking social change on their behalf.

The conflict lies in the fact that my religious beliefs and personal feelings are at odds with the notion of gender fluidity. I think the concept is nuts. I have compassion, however, for people who suffer with their identity in any form. I also believe in equal rights.

I do support my friend, who supports her kids, but I feel like a fraud when she and her friends talk about gender neutrality and vent their indignation that someone called someone else by the wrong pronoun. I act equally offended, but the truth is, I don't believe in these ideas or this cause.

I don't want to lose an important friend. I want her to feel supported -- but I'm lying. Please help. My conscience is bothering me. -- FEELING LIKE A PHONY

DEAR "PHONY": Would you feel the same way about a friend who is divorced, if your religion didn't sanction it? I'll bet you wouldn't. The same is true for this longtime friend.

Gender fluidity may be a new concept for you, but it is very real. If you feel like a hypocrite faking indignation during some of these conversations, why not use them as an opportunity to be educated? Listen. Ask questions. Say, "I don't know enough about this, but because I love you, I need to learn more about it."

You can be a trans ally without becoming an activist. PFLAG has a user-friendly resource, "Guide to Being a Trans Ally," that you may find interesting and helpful. Find it at pflag.org/guidetobeingatransally.

DEAR ABBY: An 8-year-old boy in my daughter's class recently passed away. She's only in second grade, so I wouldn't expect her to fully grasp the meaning of death, but she understands it perfectly and is not upset one bit. Multiple times she has acknowledged the fact that her classmate is no longer present, and is actually somewhat cheerful about it. My husband and I are very worried. Is this normal behavior? -- CONCERNED MOTHER

DEAR CONCERNED: Children are often more resilient than they are given credit for. If your daughter wasn't particularly close to the child who died, his death may not have affected her deeply. Some children do not mourn the way adults do, and you should not expect her to.

Grief counselors may have spoken to the students about it, or they may have been given other opportunities to air their feelings. Because you are concerned, discuss this with her teacher, but I don't think you have anything to be worried about.

DEAR ABBY: What do you make of a host who issues a BYOB invitation to his party and then proceeds to drink the guests' liquor? -- APPALLED IN FLORIDA

DEAR APPALLED: I'd say he was thirsty.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old female. I recently married the most amazing man in the whole world, "Jeremy." We connect, communicate, understand and love everything about each other. My only issue is, Jeremy has an obsession/fetish with women smoking cigarettes.

He fantasizes about me smoking all day, every day. I don't smoke. I did for nine years, but quit five years ago (before I met him). I hated smoking -- the smell, the waste of money, the example I was setting for my kids, the harm to my health and feeling out of breath.

Smoking has killed some of my relatives, and Jeremy knows it. But every day he keeps begging me to start up again. He tells me he'd do anything in the world to turn me on, and doesn't understand why I refuse to please him by smoking. He asks me to hold a cigarette, take pictures of myself smoking it and send them to him. He wants to smell it on my breath. He's literally obsessed.

It really bothers me. I've bawled my eyes out in front of him telling him how much I don't want to do it. He'll feel bad and say he'll stop, but starts back up again. I feel like it's selfish that he wants me to put myself at risk to arouse him. He knows how I feel about every aspect of it.

We have spent hours and hours talking this out. We plan on having a baby. I asked him how he'd feel if I smoked with his baby in my belly. He responded that I'd have to quit for the pregnancy.

I feel this is going to ruin our marriage. What should I do? Give in and start up with this horrible habit again to satisfy my husband? -- LOST AND HURT IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR LOST AND HURT: I confess, your letter is a first. If Jeremy loved you, rather than risk your health for his sexual gratification, he would be seeking professional help for his fetish.

Smoking is not a harmless habit. If you take up smoking again, it will ruin your health and endanger the health of any children you might have with him. Do not give in. Do not risk cancer or lung disease to please him.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, I attended my daughter's high school graduation. It was an outdoor event, and to my chagrin, the whole crowd to our left was talking over the speakers, which made it impossible to hear. My children, who also could not hear, were mortified when I shushed the group very loudly. It made no difference, but the argument now is that I acted inappropriately.

I believe I was right, and I wish I had even stood up and asked loudly for them to please be quiet. What do you think? -- QUIET, PLEASE, IN NEW HAVEN

DEAR QUIET, PLEASE: I don't think you did anything wrong. The individuals who were talking were rude not only to the speakers, but also to the audience members who wanted to hear what the speakers were saying without being distracted. Good for you for trying to get them to pipe down. I'm sorry they were so self-entitled that it didn't work.