DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend died unexpectedly a few months ago, and it has been a struggle to get through my sadness. We had been through a lot in the year and a half we were dating, including some infidelities on my part.

Aside from my sadness and guilt, I'm struggling with the fear that I'll never live down my infidelities or be able to make it up to him. It is clouding the positive memories I have of him. I don't know how to stop my thoughts from going all over the place. Please help. -- SAD IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR SAD: Much as we might wish to, none of us can change the past. I assume that you have now learned that it's best to remain faithful in your romantic relationships. That's a step in the right direction. The next step is to resolve that in future relationships you won't stray, and if you are tempted to, you will discuss with your boyfriend what you feel is missing in your relationship.

As to how to disrupt the intrusive memories that keep flooding back, a technique many people use is to remind themselves to stay in the moment each time an unwanted memory pops up. The technique is called "mindfulness," and it works.

DEAR ABBY: I am wondering what the rule is for socializing at the gym. I work out twice a week with a friend, and we usually do part of our workout on the treadmill. While we walk, we will chat. We don't talk loudly, and we never use offensive language. It's just general chit-chat about kids, work, etc.

Twice, one woman (the same woman) has ordered us to stop talking because we "bother" her. She wears headphones while she watches TV, but she says she can still hear us.

Abby, when I wear headphones (even on a very low volume), it tunes out almost everything. By her strong reaction, I am assuming this woman is unusually sensitive to noise, but this is a gym, not a library. We never monopolize the machines. I don't think I have ever been called rude in any other situation, and I always try to be pleasant and accommodating, so I would appreciate your thoughts. -- CHERYL IN HOUSTON

DEAR CHERYL: I do have a few. When people work out at a shared facility, they have to expect there will be other people there. Treadmills make noise, and sometimes it's necessary to speak in a louder than normal voice in order to be heard. If the woman complains again, suggest she move to a treadmill farther away or increase the volume on her headphones so your conversation won't disturb her. However, if that doesn't satisfy her, mention that she might be happier if she worked out at a different time when the place isn't as full.

DEAR ABBY: Most everyone appears to be fighting over politics these days, and there's even in-fighting within each side. Will it ever stop? -- BAFFLED IN THE EAST

DEAR BAFFLED: Perhaps. But it won't happen until people stop shouting (literally and figuratively), decide to bring civility back and start listening respectfully to each other.

DEAR ABBY: I'm at my wits' end. I have been unemployed for almost two years. My wife has been working during that time. We have two girls I take care of as a stay-at-home dad. Although I have consistently searched for work, I haven't found anything, and it's driving me crazy. I have edited and re-edited my resume, but nothing has happened.

My question is, do women (and men) think stay-at-home dads are lazy people who leech off their wives? I have to admit negative thoughts have crossed my mind, and I sometimes worry that people -- relatives -- think I'm a low life or incompetent. Is this true? -- STAY-AT-HOME DAD

DEAR DAD: I know you are frustrated, but you are being needlessly hard on yourself. While some people still think that way, an increasing number no longer do. The traditional roles of the woman staying home and the man being the breadwinner have, of necessity as well as choice, become increasingly reversed since the beginning of the new millennium.

The realities of today are far different than they were 10, 20, 30 years ago. I don't know if your relatives feel the way you suspect they do, but if you think that's what's happening, talk to them and straighten them out. This truism isn't original, but it applies to much that's happening in the world today: The only thing that's constant is change.

DEAR ABBY: My son and his wife live 6 miles from me. They have a 4-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son. The only time I am guaranteed to see my son and his family is on my birthday. The most I have ever seen my grandkids is four or five times a year.

Last year, I saw them on my birthday and on my grandson's birthday. They never initiate any other interactions. I occasionally see my son if he needs to come by to pick up personal items still at my house. I have the impression that they see her family members frequently.

My son works two jobs and drives 70-plus miles to work four days a week. The only time they really have together is on Sunday. I realize my son is very busy, but I would like to see them more often.

Do you have any suggestions about approaching him about more contact? In the past when I've mentioned it he became defensive, as if I were trying to put a guilt trip on him. -- HOPING FOR MORE

DEAR HOPING: Your mistake may be in waiting for your son and daughter-in-law to do the inviting. You might have better luck if you offered to stop by for a visit, or to watch the grandkids so their mother can have a little time for herself. Clearly, your son is on a tight schedule, and he does need to have time alone with his wife and kids. Granted, you would not be seeing your son, but half a loaf is better than none.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend cheated on me the whole time I was pregnant last year. He lived in Florida, and I lived in Missouri. He didn't make it back for our son's birth like he promised.

Now that he's back, he stays out all night. He won't get a job to help support our family. He lies in bed all day, gets so drunk he can't drive and doesn't help out around the house, either. It's obvious that I should let him go. I'm 11 years older than he is, and he obviously isn't ready to grow up, even though he's 30.

I love him, but I'm tired of being treated this way. How can I get over this? -- CAN'T LET GO IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR CAN'T LET GO: You say you are tired of being treated that way? Congratulations on your burst of clarity. It has finally dawned on you that you have been enabling a lazy, ungrateful, irresponsible freeloader who has no respect for you or his child.

This isn't "love." You should have realized you would be raising two children when he didn't care enough to show up for the birth of the baby. Do what you know you must: Kick him out and move on.

DEAR ABBY: Last year was my son's first year in kindergarten. A child who was allergic to peanuts and soy, among other things, was in his class. Therefore, as a working mom, quick-fix peanut butter sandwiches were out of the question. The school is very cautious. They actually had a separate table in the cafeteria for children with allergies.

What started to bother me was the fact that because one child had allergies, treats for the other 20 kids were prohibited -- birthday cakes, candies, cookies, anything with eggs, etc. This has continued into Boy Scouts. Again, all the children have to go without because of this one child.

What is appropriate? Must all 20 kids accommodate one so he doesn't feel left out, or does his mom start teaching her child that he has allergies and there are foods he can't have? They aren't going to make a college dorm free of peanut butter. Shouldn't he start to understand that now, or must everyone adapt to his strict diet to make him comfortable?

I want to be able to make gingerbread houses during the holiday season and have eggnog with the kids. I understand I should be grateful my child doesn't suffer from these allergies, but what are the boundaries? -- JUST NEED TO KNOW IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR JUST: This precaution is not meant to be an inconvenience for you. It is meant to save lives. If you wish to create gingerbread houses and make special treats for your children and their playmates, nothing is stopping you. But they should not be taken to school if there is any chance the classmate with allergies could somehow get ahold of one of them. It's common for children to trade lunches or share the components with a friend, and one mistake could result in a trip to the hospital or worse.