Q: Is there a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation in a case of marital infidelity? A year ago, I discovered that my husband had resumed a previous long-term emotional affair with a friend of mine. Their relationship has ended and I believe I've forgiven him, although I'm still having a hard time trusting or feeling any affection for him.

Jim: I'm sorry to hear of the deep hurt you've experienced. There are, in fact, some very significant distinctions between forgiveness and reconciliation. For one thing, forgiveness is an individual decision, whereas reconciliation is a joint venture. Forgiveness is an element in the larger process of reconciliation. Without true forgiveness there can be no reconciliation, but one can forgive without necessarily being reconciled. A great deal depends on the other person's response.

There's also an important difference between the choice of forgiveness and the emotion of forgiveness. Once you've determined to let go of a past offense, it can sometimes take a while for your feelings to catch up with your cognitive decision. Changes of this nature don't usually happen overnight.

Given the circumstances, your emotions are completely understandable. You husband must give you the time you need to work through those feelings of betrayal and invalidation. He must also realize that before there can be true reconciliation, he needs to respond to your forgiveness by taking the initiative to rebuild trust into the relationship. That means acknowledging his betrayal, entering into your pain, and demonstrating daily his fidelity, reliability and trustworthiness as a person. That's what repentance is all about.

In the meantime, your task is to stay open to trusting him again in spite of the baggage of the past.

If you'd like to discuss your situation further with one of our caring licensed counselors, I'd encourage you to call us at 855-771-HELP (4357). They'll be happy to assist you in any way they can.

Q: We're considering our family's plans for the summer, and a friend suggested that a camp experience could be really good for our kids. What do you think?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: I'd encourage you to give it some serious thought. Summer camp can provide a child with some unforgettable memories along with opportunities to stretch themselves physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually in a fun-filled environment. Today's camps are designed to accommodate and meet a wide range of interests and needs with something for almost everyone, from the intellectually curious child to the sports-minded and physically active, as well as those with special needs or specific health challenges. Other camps are faith-based, with an emphasis on encouraging spiritual growth.

While weighing different options, it's important to consider not only your child's particular interests, but also their personality, temperament and stage of development. For instance, if your child tends to be anxious or is younger than fifth grade, it's generally best to begin with short day camps. Preteens and teens, on the other hand, are usually ready to begin experiencing the healthy independence that overnight camps can offer. In either situation, connecting your child with another attendee beforehand can help reduce apprehension and facilitate deeper bonds between campers.

With summer on the horizon and many camps filling up in the early spring, I'd encourage you to introduce the idea and begin exploring options with your kids. If you're not sure where to start, Focus on the Family would be happy to put you in touch with several excellent camps and camp organizations. Feel free to call us at 800-A-FAMILY.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I've heard you advocate for teaching moral values in our homes and to our children. Your view, however, seems archaic and misguided. People are "immoral" for only one reason: They're ignorant. Your approach seems not only ineffective, but a distraction from the greater need of formal education. Doesn't this reasoning make more sense?

Jim: Teddy Roosevelt is credited with saying, "A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad." His point? Education alone is inadequate to build character.

I've noticed a peculiar pattern in our culture. Whenever a new statistic is released that reveals some negative trend in society, it seems the call immediately goes out for more education. Whether it be the growing tide of drug abuse, teen pregnancy -- or any other social challenge -- conventional wisdom suggests these problems could be resolved if people simply knew better.

Now, let me be clear. I believe that education is critical and invaluable to any culture, and there is no questioning that ours is better for it. But as President Roosevelt so aptly explained, intelligence and morals are not the same thing. Intelligence deals with information; morals provide a foundation of wisdom for how that information ought to be used. A society needs both in order to be healthy.

Although some may be inclined to dismiss the importance of moral values, I'm firmly convinced that we would do well to heed the words of Dr. Wilbur Crafts, who observed, "It is not worthwhile to educate a man's wits unless you educate his conscience also."

Q: My toddler has been fondling his genitals a lot. I've caught him at it several times at home, and once it even happened in public. What should I do?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: Relax. You've no reason to be overly concerned. This behavior is a normal expression of early sexuality. If you respond calmly and in an age-appropriate way, the habit should pass as soon as maturity and social pressure begin to take effect.

Many parents are surprised to learn that genital fondling does not produce a sexual "charge" with small children. Instead, they do it because they find it self-soothing -- often as a way of dealing with boredom, anxiety or nervousness. If you want to curtail it, start by saying something like, "I've noticed you touching your penis (or vagina) a lot lately." Be frank and open and ask questions -- for example, "Why have you been doing this? Does it make you feel good?"

Determine the emotions that are driving the behavior and then redirect it by encouraging your child to focus on something else. Point out other ways he can soothe himself or feel more secure. Offer alternatives, like a teddy bear, a pillow or a special blanket.

Depending on your child's age, you can explain that there are some things we don't do in front of other people (it might be helpful to use the analogy of using the toilet). These things aren't bad, just private. If we do them in public, they can make others feel uncomfortable. Your purpose in speaking this way is simply to sensitize your child to the social implications of his behavior. Throughout this conversation, your tone should be firm and confident, not shocked or embarrassed.

In the final analysis, it's important to remember that children are not asexual. Your child's behavior is merely demonstrating that he's properly wired. So relax and give your child -- and yourself -- a break.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Sometimes I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I try to be consistent with my kids, but there are days when I just don't give them the attention they deserve, or have the patience with them that I should. I'm afraid that I'm going to mess things up and lose my connection with them by the time they're grown.

Jim: I know how you feel because I've been there, too! But that's one reason I love this time of year. Spring is all about renewal. The warm weather is coming, the flowers are poking out of the dirt, and the days are getting longer. Of course, we also celebrate Easter, which for many people is all about God reaching down and offering humanity a second chance.

As parents, we know that second chances are a part of everyday life. We struggle and strive to help our children do the right thing. But sometimes, they fall short of the mark. When that happens, it's our job to help them get back up, dust themselves off and try again. Sometimes, if they've been disobedient, they might need appropriate correction to get them back on track. Other times, our kids simply need an arm around them and a word of encouragement to do better next time. Either way, it's all about extending grace and forgiveness.

Here's the crazy thing: As Moms and Dads, you and I need that grace and forgiveness from our children! There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Sometimes -- maybe even much of the time -- we make mistakes. We lose our temper. We fail to make time for our kids. We accuse them of something they didn't do. Thankfully, children are resilient. If we're honest and humble when we mess up, they're more than happy to come running back into our arms and forgive us.

Within a loving family, there is always room for second chances. And thirds. And fourths.

Q: I'm recently married. My husband and I are discovering (the hard way) that we deal with life stresses differently, and we're struggling to understand each other. What can we do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Welcome to married life -- and a reality check! Stress can often cause us to function in an out-of-balance mode where we end up operating in the extremes of our personalities. This perhaps occurs most often when we feel pressured.

Research shows that men and women deal with stress differently. As a man's stress level increases, his body produces more of the oxytocin hormone, which is further influenced by testosterone. These chemicals trigger a fight-or-flight response. In other words, when stressed, men either act more aggressively or withdraw (we like to say "go into their cave").

Women also produce more oxytocin, but it's coupled with estrogen and has a different result: When stressed, women tend to lean into relationships, either protectively nurturing their children or seeking out other female friends. Researchers have called this the "tend and befriend" response.

Basically, these chemical reactions set men and women up to respond very differently during times of stress -- the perfect combination for conflict. Women want to connect, while men may feel more ready to pick a fight or withdraw. Understanding that contrast can go a long way toward helping you find common ground.

Note that sometimes gender differences can seem pretty stereotypical. This scenario may look somewhat different in your marriage, but researchers have found it to occur in many relationships.

How you respond to your spouse when they're under stress has a direct impact on their behavior toward you -- and, of course, vice versa. As we continue to understand how our mates are different, it allows us to love them more fully. If you'd like more ideas for ways to connect and thrive as a couple, check out our website at focusonthefamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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