DEAR NATALIE: My sister got out of a bad marriage about a year ago and her ex-husband was verbally abusive. They married straight out of high school. She’s about to turn 28 and has started dating again. She seemed depressed and lonely when she met this new guy. I think it is too soon to get serious with anyone after what she went through. Moreover, the new guy she is seeing is looking for a “trad wife” and is pressuring my sister to consider quitting her (rather lucrative) job so that they can get married and live a “trad life” together. I think this is an absolutely terrible idea and a major red flag that this guy is dangerous and controlling. She is in a fog about it all because he is a little bit older and comes from a wealthy family. He paints this pretty picture for her about what her life could be. I worry she could be trapped. I keep saying to her, “Why not just live with him for a few months, but keep your place? That way, if things go south, you can leave.” I have also told her – under no circumstances – that she should quit her job. Can I get her to snap out of it before it’s too late? – SAD SISTER
DEAR SAD SISTER: I wish the term “trad wife” would go away so we could call it what it is: A wife that stays home to cook and clean and raises your kids with no agency or identity of her own. A woman whose sole purpose is to take care of others and put her own needs last. Feminism is about choice, yes. But it is also about collective liberation. Women are not liberated when forced back into boxes that we so clearly fought to tear down over the last several centuries. “Trad wife” doesn't have that cute ring of nostalgia to it when you have women dying from a lack of essential healthcare across the nation or no paid leave and forced to go back to work two days after giving birth. It’s nothing more than cosplay around the gender binary. But how do you convince someone of that who doesn’t want to see it for what it is? You don’t. Unfortunately, you can share your thoughts with your sister, but the reality is, she is going to make her own choices. What you shared with her was a good in-between. You aren’t telling her not to live with him or date him. You are asking her to think carefully about giving up all of her inherent and earned power. Be careful how you approach it because you don’t want to push her into his arms. Just let her know that you care about her and want her to be happy. Hopefully, she will come to her own conclusion and recognize that giving up her autonomy is never the way to a fulfilled life. A partner should nurture you, inspire you and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. They should never make you feel small or unworthy. My hope is she realizes that control is not the same as love because love sets you free.
DEAR NATALIE: I recently came out to my family as trans. I was assigned male at birth but have never felt comfortable in my body. Making this decision to share this part of myself with my parents was incredibly difficult, in part because we grew up in a strict fundamentalist home. I was homeschooled which also skewed my world view. I was a lonely, depressed kid. I left at 17 and never looked back. Now as an adult, I have tried to forge a relationship with my parents, and we have never spoken about how I look “different” in the past few years than when I was living at home. When I came out, my dad was surprisingly unaffected by it. He said he just wanted me to be happy. He has moved away from the church in recent years, so this made some sense to me. But my mom… she hasn’t accepted it at all. She won’t speak to me and just keeps saying to my father that she is “praying for my soul.” I don’t want to upset her. I love my mom, but I can’t live this lie anymore as it was actually killing me. What should I do? Some of my friends who have also struggled with transitioning and their families’ responses have said that I may just have to walk away from her. How can I do that? Why should I have to?
– STILL YOUR CHILD
DEAR STILL YOUR CHILD: Thank you for sharing your story and for providing insight into what so many people are silently struggling with. While you have made peace with who you are and how you need to be seen in your full humanity, it can be difficult for the people we love to accept. Because of how your parents were raised and indoctrinated by their religious community, they may not be able to see you in the way you wish to be seen. I am glad that your dad has taken a more pragmatic approach and is centering you in this. Parental love is something we all need and crave, even as adults, so it makes sense why you’d want your mother’s support. In these cases, when you are dealing with heightened emotional states, it’s sometimes better to put pen to paper and share your thoughts with her via a letter. This gives you time to process your thoughts. This gives her time to process it and re-read sections so that she can digest what you are saying. It also decreases the likelihood that either of you will say something you regret in the heat of the moment since you will have time to reflect on what you are writing. Since you are in a good place with your dad, perhaps chat with him about how your mom has been and if she would be open to receiving a letter. Your mother may not be in a place to hear the truth, but you have every right and reason to speak your truth. Hopefully in time, she will realize that you are still her child and still worthy of love – no matter how you identify.
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