DEAR NATALIE: My 22-year-old son and his girlfriend want to move in with us to save money. They both work in the food industry and just can’t seem to make ends meet. They’ve been living together for about a year and the rent went up again more than they could handle. I’m okay with them moving back in, but I told them that they have to pay “rent” to me. What I’m really going to do is hold money for them and then give it back to them in six months or a year so they can afford to get a place. But my son isn’t really thrilled that I want rent from him. I told him between the two of them I would like $800 a month. If they live with me for six months, that’s more than enough to cover the first month’s rent somewhere plus a security deposit. He scoffed at the idea and said he shouldn’t have to pay rent to live in his own house. I reminded him, however, that when he decided not to go to trade school or college, that his dad and I wouldn’t be floating him. His girlfriend – who is practical – was appreciative of the circumstances and wants to move in with us. He is now digging in his heels. I don’t want to see them living out of their car, but I can’t let him move home with no stipulations. How do I get him onboard? – FLY THE COOP
DEAR FLY THE COOP: Have you told him that you are going to hold the money for him? This may make him realize that you are doing this to support him, not to punish him. He probably feels a little embarrassed that these are the circumstances in which he finds himself only a year after moving out of the house. What is sad, however, is that his story is one of millions right now. The rent is too high in every part of this country, forcing more people to move back in with family members or stay in relationships they would rather not be in because of financial issues. Perhaps this is a good time to revisit a conversation with him about his future goals. The trades are in such demand right now and pay well. It would be worth a conversation. In the interim, all you can do is encourage him to move home under your terms. If he wants to live out of his car, that’s on him. I doubt his girlfriend will be okay with that, so I would connect with her to get her onboard with this plan. Then, see if you can work together to encourage him to move home, get his house in order. He’s allowed to not have it all figured out – I mean who does? – but taking some responsible steps forward to be fiscally sound will benefit all of you.
DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I just had a baby about a year ago and I worry that we’ve lost our connection. I feel like we’ve become roommates. Part of the issue is that he is very critical of me. No matter what I do for the baby, it isn’t right. He wanted me to quit my job after our daughter was born, but I wasn’t comfortable with that. I am also not comfortable with having a nanny raise our child, so I am currently working part-time as a financial planner. I think this has made for even more tension between us because he feels as though I am “splitting my time” between caring for the baby and working. This is just not true. My office has been incredibly supportive and lets me work from home most days. I probably go to the office right now once a week and work with most of my clients remotely. This way, I can be home for the baby and the day that I go into the office, my mother comes over to care for her. I think it annoys him that I managed to work this out. He has a very demanding job as a partner in a law firm. He is extremely good at his job but works very long hours. I think when he comes home, he expects his slippers and me greeting him with a martini or something. I am wiped out, too. When we do try to have sex, it feels mechanical and like he’s racing to finish. I have been avoiding him, I admit, because when he belittles me, I can’t get excited to be with him. What do we do? This is a bad dynamic. I love him, but I’m not in love with him right now. – BECOMING ROOMMATES
DEAR BECOMING ROOMMATES: I remember studying Dr. John Gottman’s book, “The Marriage Clinic,” in graduate school and I was blown away by his explanation of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” and how they could ruin a marriage. The horseman that you have to worry about the most is contempt. When your husband belittles you and basically indicates that he is above you, it shows contempt for you. This is also known as the “sulfuric acid of love” and contempt must be rooted out of your marriage or it will ruin it over time. Why? Because it erodes respect. You cannot have a functioning and healthy relationship without respect at the foundation. Let’s try to figure out what is going on here with him. Is he secretly resentful and jealous that you get to spend more time at home with the baby than he does? Perhaps he feels that he is missing out on her first moments. Perhaps he perceives your day as “easier” than his. He is clearly not communicating his feelings because he may not realize them on a conscious level. Before things get worse, please try couples’ counseling. He may push against the idea, but if you explain to him where you are in a matter-of-fact way, he may change his tune. I doubt that he wants his marriage to be over. We know men benefit from marriage more than women do and if he wants this relationship to become stronger, then he needs to put in the work. You can’t save your marriage alone.
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