DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been infatuated with someone for far too long -- years, actually. Recently, though, I have come to see this man for who he is: an opportunist, a user, someone who thinks mostly about himself. This hurts to realize, but it also helps me create some distance. I heard from him recently, and I wasn’t as responsive as usual. He said that in the past I was always immediately quick to reply. That’s true. He acted hurt. I’ve been hurt for years. Do I have that come-to-Jesus meeting that we probably need, or do I just let it go and accept that we are in different places? Do you think that if I tell him how he has taken me for granted for years, he will understand? -- Next Steps
DEAR NEXT STEPS: From your newfound perspective, your behavior is already showing this man that you have changed. It may benefit you both if you say out loud where you are. Tell him that you know you haven’t stood up for yourself enough in your friendship. Don’t fault him. Instead, say that you have turned a corner and want more in your life, especially from someone as dear to you as he is. Ask if he is ready to step up and be a better friend. If not, you should continue to be reserved. Don’t allow space for him to use you anymore. You may be pleasantly surprised that he makes a bigger effort to think about you, but it is important to remember that people are who they are. He’s not likely to transform into a different person overnight, but his efforts may come to match your needs if he truly cares about you.