DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the light of rude comments made by political candidates under the guise of not being politically correct, could you please explain how to be polite without being politically correct?

GENTLE READER: Good question. As modern usage of the term "politically correct" has meant refraining from delivering wholesale insults to groups of people, that would be difficult.

The usual defense by those who express nastiness is that they are being frank and honest about what they think. As indeed they are. But that does not make their spoken opinions any less nasty.

When much of the public stopped tolerating hate talk, Miss Manners was thrilled. It became her favorite counter-example to those who believe that etiquette has steadily deteriorated since the days of King Arthur -- or at least their own vaguely remembered childhoods.

But now this tremendous advance is being threatened by both detractors and supporters of political correctness.

Those who scorn the term declare that political correctness is a danger to our constitutional right to free speech, which Miss Manners, like all Americans, holds sacred.

No, it is not. Surely you have noticed that lots of people are exercising their legal right to spew obnoxious thoughts, and there are no legal reprisals. Etiquette relies on voluntary compliance.

True, there are social reprisals. Those who seize their right to be offensive should not be shocked that others take offense.

But name-calling is not conducive to debate. All serious arenas of conflict -- legislatures, courtrooms, athletic contests -- have rules against this. That is necessary because holding opposing goals and debating actual issues require treating opponents with respect.

Yet even that has been perverted by some of the proponents of political correctness. An aggressive form of what calls itself sensitivity -- and yet attacks people for perceived slights when clearly none were intended -- is, itself, insensitive to the point of rudeness.

Miss Manners is particularly discouraged when such people try to extend the ban on bigotry to cover topics they might find upsetting, even for reasons of private experience. This would reduce meaningful discourse to universally approved issues, presuming that such things existed.

What these critics and proponents of political correctness have in common, besides an ugly presumption of ill-will in others, is an inability to imagine, much less strive for, a civilized society in which sincerely held differences can be safely aired.

The resulting confusion is that many people deplore political correctness when they only mean to declare that they support the principle of free speech and dislike arrogance disguised as sensitivity.

That blanket condemnation puts them in the position of defending cruelty, vulgarity and bigotry. So she suggests that everyone take a look at the content of what is said in the name of eschewing political correctness -- is it expressing something nasty? -- and judge political candidates accordingly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a Valentine's Day card from a guy I like, but I don't know if I'm supposed to give him one, too. Should I? Does he expect one from me also?

GENTLE READER: When a gentleman sends a valentine, it is safe to assume that he expects to find out that his sentiment is reciprocated. Whether you do this with a card or a kiss, Miss Manners leaves up to you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice in one week I have been compared to two celebrities who look nothing like me, or each other! One friend continued to insist that I look like said celebrity even when I politely ignored him and changed the subject. He even referred to her as my "twin."

To add insult to injury, neither of these two celebrities share my hair or eye color (I am a redhead with green eyes). Furthermore, I consider one of these actresses to be ugly. What is the proper response to unsolicited comparisons like these?

GENTLE READER: Presume that the intention was to compliment you, and tell these people "thank you." If you do not agree with the celebrity comparison, Miss Manners permits you to punctuate that thank-you with a question mark.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm at a loss as to how to take care of household chores when we have houseguests.

We regularly get visitors (sometimes family, sometimes friends) who may stay a few days, a week or two weeks. The house is clean when they arrive, but I try not to do any house cleaning, other than cooking and washing dishes, while they are here.

The house can go several days without cleaning, but eventually it starts to show (especially with the floors and bathrooms). I don't know what to do about it.

If I start cleaning while they are sitting and relaxing, their discomfort shows at watching me clean around them. If they help me clean, I feel bad about turning my guests into servants. If I don't clean, I must look like a poor housekeeper, and the house becomes uncomfortable.

It rarely happens that I can wait until they go out somewhere, because we are always together. Today I tried waiting until everyone was in bed and did some general cleaning in the bathroom, but then I was worried I was making too much noise, and that definitely won't work with vacuuming.

GENTLE READER: If guests are staying more than a few days -- particularly if they are doing it repeatedly -- Miss Manners considers them to be more temporary residents than visitors, and they should be treated as such.

Clean when you feel the need to clean, prefacing it by saying, "Excuse me, but I just want to tidy up a bit." At that point the onus is on the guest to offer to help. You should not feel bad about accepting it, although giving them a few menial tasks is probably plenty. If they do not offer to help, then their discomfort is their own problem.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I have a long career as a musician and music scholar, I may be asked my opinion of a performance. I reply with a measured response, a statement of approval or a sharp criticism.

However, as an audience member there are occasions when I feel obliged to express criticism of the performance, or of excessive approval exhibited by the audience when I believe their unison response lacks understanding.

Why should it be acceptable to give standing ovations, etc., at the close of passable performances, but not shouts of critique? I only refer to professional concerts, and not school or amateur performers. My wife says I am rude and feels humiliated upon these circumstances. My therapist comments: "Do no harm."

GENTLE READER: Online commerce has conditioned us to the unavoidable running commentary from "unsatisfiedcustomer447" on how the toaster did not work as advertised, but not every interaction with our fellow man is subject to review.

Nevertheless, curtain calls certainly are, and Miss Manners will defend your right to boo as well as to cheer.

But it is not a debate. The person sitting next to you has as much right to express his opinion as you, no matter how ill-informed it may be. Booing your fellow audience members would be impolite, and will, in any case, not be heard over all the "bravos."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an email from a friend announcing that she would be eloping in two weeks.

This seems strange. Doesn't elopement mean stealing away without anyone's knowledge, to tie the knot?

What do social mores call for in such instances? Should I purchase a gift, or should I simply say good luck/best wishes in a return email?

GENTLE READER: Your friend has found a humorous way to distract you from the fact that she is not inviting you or anyone else to her wedding. That she did so without adding gift registry information warms Miss Manners' heart. Send a present if you like, but do write, wishing her well and promising not to tip off her parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have exchanged birthday cards with a dear friend for 20-plus years. This year she texted and Facebooked, but NO card.

I am greatly offended and hurt. Is this acceptable in this age of technology?

GENTLE READER: To be offended at someone's congratulating you on your birthday in an informal manner? Miss Manners considers that taking insult where none was intended is churlish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I want to receive only money for my wedding and no gifts, how can I word it?

GENTLE READER: "Stick 'em up"?

Despite their combined efforts, modernity, convenience and plain greed have not succeeded in convincing Miss Manners -- or most gift-givers -- that both the form and substance of a gift are not at the discretion of the giver.

Before you explain, she hastens to add that she would be unmoved by the justification that you are underpaid, you mean to donate the money to charity, and you loathe your friends' taste.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)