Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had some serious injuries to my hands pulling a refrigerator off of a neighbor, who attempted to unload it off a truck by himself for some reason. i just happened by in time to save him -- really just dumb luck on my part. I grabbed it not realizing there were sharp parts underneath it and pulled it off of him. i knew I was being cut, but I could not drop it back on him. The doctors said my hands will heal up just fine in time, but i did lose my right pinkie.

As i understand it, etiquette calls for my pinkie to be raised when eating or drinking sometimes. But I have no pinkie and i am right-handed. Do I instead raise my ring finger? Or, well, what do i do?

It’s hard for me to type right now and i want to do this myself so please pardon my spelling, lack of capital letters and poor punctuation.

GENTLE READER: Despite the tee-hee factor in juxtaposing a matter of life and death with what seems to be a jibe at the supposed triviality of etiquette, Miss Manners will do you the courtesy of taking your letter at face value. In that case, you are in luck -- that is, if luck can be associated with someone whose good deed was rewarded with disaster.

Your good fortune is that etiquette now condemns, rather than requires, lifting the pinkie finger when drinking. (It is fine when playing the oboe.) Doing so had been necessary in the 17th century, when tea was drunk from handle-less cups from China and the idea was to scorch as few fingers as possible. So you see, that was also a matter of avoiding injury, although not as drastic a possibility as you describe.

But extending the pinkie then became considered pretentious and the butt of feeble jokes -- perhaps including your own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When visiting doctors, I understand there are times when things may occur that delay the appointment. But I prefer that the staff tell me when I check in that there has been a delay, rather than keep me waiting for long periods of time. Their time is no more valuable than mine.

I feel like if I knew when I checked in that there was a delay, I could have then made an informed decision to wait it out if I had no pressing appointments afterward, or I could choose to reschedule the appointment for some other time.

How do I successfully tell the doctor and his/her staff that this is a requirement for me, since I am charged for missed appointments?

GENTLE READER: That doctors sometimes run unavoidably late to give proper attention to each patient, Miss Manners is sympathetically aware. She is also aware that many of them routinely abuse this presumption.

There is no need to contest whose time is more important. You should be in the habit of calling the doctor’s office before you set out and inquiring whether or not appointments are running behind -- and, if the new appointment is inconvenient, rescheduling.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in a studio flat, so, as you can imagine, our bed is out in the open. It’s next to the kitchen and at a good angle for people to watch TV. We also have enough chairs for people to sit on and a very comfortable couch, all of these at good angles for people to make conversation and watch TV.

My parents always taught me to never enter someone’s bedroom without permission and never to sit/lie on someone else’s bed, especially couple’s beds (though it was normal for me sit on my friends’ beds during my childhood/teenage years, and the other way around).

But now that I am a married woman, for me, our bed is almost a sacred place. And just because it is in the same room as everything else, that doesn’t justify people using it when there are other comfortable places to sit down.

Is it just me? And how can I address this with my husband’s and my own friends?

GENTLE READER: Without making a laughingstock out of yourselves?

You can’t.

Your marriage is sacred, your privacy is sacred, but your bed is a piece of furniture right there in the room in which you also entertain guests.

Miss Manners supposes you can park serving trays on the bed, if using it as a table doesn’t violate its sacredness. Or you can keep saying, “I think you’ll be more comfortable over there.” But she begs you not to address your friends with your reasoning. You will never hear the end of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to leave one of anything, such as one Oreo, or should you just finish the package and throw away?

GENTLE READER: Have you never heard the expression that was once routinely taught to children to discourage them from taking the last of anything?

It was “Leave something for Miss Manners.”

But never mind. Miss Manners is trying to stay away from cookies and does not begrudge your having that last one.

Unless, of course, you are sneaking into someone else’s cupboard. Because if it is your own cupboard, you can do what you like, and if you are being offered cookies elsewhere, they should be on a plate, not in the package.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there protocol around whether someone should wait to announce their wedding date (when newly engaged) if a friend had announced their engagement six months before, but has not yet announced their wedding date?

GENTLE READER: Is this a competition?

That unpleasant suspicion arises because Miss Manners has received letters in which weddings are presumed to be staged in even fairly remote proximity in order to detract from other weddings.

She would prefer to believe that you are asking about a situation in which the bridal couples, being friends, are hoping to schedule things so that they can attend one another’s weddings. In that case, and if the timing is somewhat flexible, it would only be necessary to talk over the respective dates under consideration.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I advertise online for models to use in my artwork, with expectedly mixed results. If I’m lucky, about 30 percent of the respondents are suitable subjects and/or are actually interested in posing.

Is it too severe to state in my ad, “Serious only; please don’t waste your time or mine” in (probably vain) hopes of avoiding flakes? Might another form of words be more effective?

How should I reply most tactfully to people I don’t wish to work with? “Thanks for your reply, but no thanks” sounds too bare and cold.

GENTLE READER: All teenagers with camera phones probably consider themselves to be experienced models, and therefore feel justified in padding their resumes.

But this is a business transaction and should be treated as such. To guard against unwanted applicants -- and to protect yourself from accusations of subjectivity -- Miss Manners suggests that you put in your advertisement: “Professional experience required. Serious inquiries only, please.”

You then may make your own judgment of what “experience” entails. And if your applicants do not pass muster, you may simply say, “Thank you for your inquiry, but we are unable to use you at this time.” No need for apology or explanation -- especially since no good can likely come from either.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend called me to say she and her husband “had an extra ticket” to a theater production that night (their daughter had canceled). Would I like to join them? We would go to dinner first and then proceed to the theater. The play was not one I would have chosen, but I readily said yes, as I had no plans and enjoy these friends very much.

The dinner bill came and of course I expected to pay my share. However, as the husband hovered over the bill, he mentioned that I should also add in the price of the theater ticket (his wife was nodding).

I was shocked and uncomfortable, as no mention had been made about me reimbursing them for the unused ticket. In my experience, an extra ticket is normally freely given at the last minute, or at the very least, the cost of said ticket should be mentioned upfront when “inviting” someone to take it. When I have been a recipient in the past, I have silently noted the generosity and found a suitable way to reciprocate later.

This ticket was expensive, but I readily paid the total amount. Frankly, I felt a bit used and did not entirely enjoy the rest of the evening. I am single and get by OK, while my friends are quite wealthy. Where did they, or I, go wrong from an etiquette standpoint?

GENTLE READER: If your friends expected you to pay, then, as you said, they should have mentioned it: “We have an extra ticket to sell. We thought we would offer it to you first.”

Since they did not do this, Miss Manners agrees that you were justified in feeling put out. To avoid this happening again, she recommends that the next time you are invited to a paid event without a mention of price, you could ask, “How much do I owe you?” in the hope that the issuers would demur politely. And if they did not, at least you would be prepared to demur politely yourself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)