DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of the non-apologies frequently offered by prominent figures when they are caught having done something illegal or immoral? I mean such statements as, “I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said/did ...” instead of “I’m sorry that I said/did ...”

GENTLE READER: That they don’t realize that the public is on to this trick.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son got married about a month ago. In speaking to him today, he asked if we had sent a wedding gift. To provide detail, my husband and I paid for 99 percent of the entire wedding, based on the bride’s parents being unable to do so. We happily did this without reservation. The cost of the wedding was over $65,000. Further, we happily paid for their honeymoon, and they enjoyed a wonderful trip to Italy.

This coupled with bridal shower, rehearsal dinner and even the engagement ring. I felt we went above and beyond, and therefore we did not give them an additional wedding gift. I’m feeling somewhat puzzled on their question, as they are well aware of what we have done to give them a great wedding and honeymoon.

My husband and I are both somewhat hurt and definitely frustrated! What am I missing?

GENTLE READER: What has your son missed? Economic responsibility? Respect for his parents? Gratitude? Shame at begging? Basic manners?

Whether you tried to teach him these essentials of civilization, Miss Manners does not know. In any case, it is a bit late now. Unless you are willing to encourage attempts to fleece you, she suggests a firm and dignified refusal: “We felt that we did what we could for you, and we’re sorry if you feel that is not enough.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I held a Thanksgiving dinner for friends and family last week, and the event was done at significant personal expense. Not including time spent cooking, this was quite an orchestration.

My mother told me that I need to thank everyone who came to the dinner, but shouldn’t it be the other way around?

Spending several hundred dollars on cheese, wine, turkey, desserts and other necessary food items, and all the while trying to be a good host, makes me think that I ought to be the one receiving thanks. Beyond the formality of thanking guests as they depart, what should I be doing?

GENTLE READER: The reason that hosts sometimes thank guests at the door is, Miss Manners suspects, because a mere “You’re welcome” strikes them as awkward. Any more formal thanks would strike the recipient as an unsubtle prompt -- as when wedding hosts write to thank guests who they have noticed did not yet send presents.

But she would like to point out that the reason your friends owe you thanks is for your hospitality, not for your expense or even your labor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a restaurant, I often get confused on which water cup is mine.

GENTLE READER: The one on your right. Failing that, Miss Manners recommends the one that your dinner partner is not drinking from.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I submit that even if my conduct is incorrect, I am entitled to a presumption that said conduct is an honest mistake, unless the conduct is truly heinous -- which, in my case, it never is. Of course, others are likewise entitled to the same presumption from me. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners is always urging people to give minor transgressors the benefit of a doubt about whether they meant to be rude. The automatic tendency to come out swinging at the slightest provocation makes for an unpleasantly abrasive society. And some who did intend to be rude will still accept the opportunity for a face-saving retreat when a transgression is treated as an inadvertent mistake.

However, Miss Manners would perhaps prefer that you apply this when necessary, rather than use it to build a case for yourself in advance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Apparently at Thanksgiving, my husband’s sister winked at him and said, “You’ll have Thanksgiving at your house next year.” My husband said ‘OK’ without even asking me first.

I have not hosted an event like this in the time we have been together, and I am sure it is time for me to do so. I don’t necessarily have a problem doing it, but I feel very strongly that he should have consulted me first before agreeing. Especially since I am going to have to shoulder the burden of the work involved.

He thinks that he did nothing wrong in agreeing because it was all in fun. My main argument is that if he thinks he is right and what he did was OK, then what’s to stop him from making other plans without consulting me first?

Now he thinks I am a jerk because I am upset about it. I tried to explain to him that most people would feel the way I do. How do you feel about this?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners agrees that spouses should consult each other about issuing invitations, she would cut some slack for someone at a drawn-out meal cornered about an event in the distant future. This may be forgotten, or could be renegotiated 11 months from now. And if not, it gives your husband plenty of time to learn to cook, if he doesn’t already know how.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is permissible to thank someone with a gift monogrammed with my own initials, when those receiving the gift played an important role in a milestone ceremony in my life?

GENTLE READER: That graceful explanation does not strike Miss Manners as justification for re-gifting something that was obviously meant for you.

Mind you, she is not entirely opposed to passing things on, provided that this is not made known to the recipient, and that the item is one the donor assumes will find a more welcome home. But something that requires justification with such an explanation does not qualify.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are academics. Every year, we spend the summer in Maine in a small community that has a wonderful nonprofit theater. We have been coming here for years, and our children have grown up attending and volunteering for shows and events.

There is a particular board member we meet every year. We have attended parties with her; we meet her at the farmers market a number of times over the season; we have had pleasant conservations with her and her husband.

And yet, each year when we first encounter her, and sometimes multiple times during the summer, she acts as if she has never seen us or met us before. She is not an elderly woman, so I don’t think this is simply a memory issue. Rather, it seems to be a kind of social positioning amongst a very small group of people. I have tried greeting her by name and reminding her of my name to assist, but to no avail.

My husband and I now joke about how unmemorable we are. But, to be honest, I find these experiences a little insulting, especially given that we are active participants and regular donors at this particular theater, and we know and enjoy the company of other regular theater supporters. For me, and perhaps I need thicker skin, it adds an unpleasantness to social events that seems unnecessary. I am wondering if there is a polite way for me to effectively respond to or correct this behavior. What do you recommend?

GENTLE READER: Saying to her, the next time you are introduced and she feigns ignorance, “Oh Marzipan, how funny. We have met many times. You must not recognize me in my party clothes.” This, Miss Manners notes, has the added sly benefit of leaving others to wonder why she might recognize you without them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m in a bit of a bind at work. I use my phone regularly throughout the day for personal and professional reasons, and as such, often have a low battery towards the end of the day.

I’ve taken to bringing a spare charger with me to work so I can continue to work from my phone as needed. My co-workers have caught on to this, and now frequently come and ask me for my charger.

Sometimes they ask while my phone is still charging; sometimes they ask while it is still in my purse. Either way, I feel resentful for sharing. I don’t have a great reason for the feeling, but I am irritated when they ask. I feel like it is just expected of me to share, and I feel like I shouldn’t have to, as it’s not my fault they didn’t come prepared. How do I handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: Many hotels, airports and hospitals, Miss Manners has noticed, have felt similar frustration, and solved the problem by providing communal chargers in multiple flavors. Perhaps you could suggest that your office follow suit.

Meanwhile, you can say, with an expression of regret, “I’m afraid I’m going to need it. It’s really a good idea to have one.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)