DEAR HARRIETTE: I stayed with my extended family for a month this summer. Not wanting to seem like a freeloader, I gave them money that would have covered a room and the bits of food that I ate. Something that bothered me during my stay was realizing how sexist my uncle is. We come from different countries, and he married into the family. As I was reading a book in the family room, he came in and threw me his shirt to iron! I automatically assumed he was kidding, and jokingly responded by apologizing for the accident that left him unable to use his hands. My uncle was offended, took the shirt and said that he'd go find his wife to do it. I feel bad for being rude to my uncle in his home, but I was not freeloading off of him and did not think being a woman turned me into his maid. How should I respond if a sexist situation comes up again? -- Not the Maid, Dallas
DEAR NOT THE MAID: When you are staying in someone's house, it can be very difficult to manage clashing values. You did the right thing by giving money to contribute to the family's operating budget. Staying for a month is a long time -- even when you are family. It is important for someone who steps into that situation to do his or her best to fit in, so to speak, with the culture of the household.
That does not mean you have to endure sexist behavior and succumb to it. Your uncle probably considered making a joke as rude as his behavior was to you. What you could have done is to say you don't know how to iron and wouldn't want to burn his shirt. Same effect. You still don't iron the shirt, but you don't insult him either.
Whenever you stay in someone else's home, it is smart to find out what the house rules and expectations are so that you know where you stand. You should ask to be clear. As it relates to sexist behavior, sometimes humor works -- as you tried. Other times, quietly standing your ground can work.