DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time caller, all that jazz. I’ve seen you talk about making small talk and asking questions and all that but what do you do if the other person just won’t respond half the time? 

Let me explain. 

I made a resolution this year to be closer with my friends and strengthen our friendships, because I feel like most of my friendships are actually pretty shallow and I’d like to change that. Among the people I’m trying to be closer with is a female friend of mine, about 6 or so years younger than me. She originally ended up in my social circle because she was the cousin of one friend and dating another, but stayed around after they broke up, because we all thought she was cool. We’re occasionally flirty but nothing serious and while I wouldn’t mind if something happened between us, I’m not going to go out of my way to try to make it happen. It either will or it won’t and that’s fine with me either way, I’m just trying to have tighter friends, especially since I’m fairly certain she’s casually dating someone. I mention the flirting because I wonder if it’s relevant or not, as you’ll see in a moment. 

Recently, I asked if she wanted to grab dinner at a new place in town I wanted to check out and just generally hang out. She said sure, we meet up, get a table, order drinks and half the conversation is great and half the conversation is me asking questions and getting either short answers or awkward silence. 

 I noticed is that if we try to talk about anything personal beyond the very shallow “so, how’s it going?”, she clams up. And to be clear, I don’t mean like I’m flirting when I try to learn more or get personal, I just mean anything that goes beyond whatever happened this week. But if I bring up something like JRPGS or computer games we’re both playing, like Metaphor: ReFantazio or Baldur’s Gate 3 or some other non-personal topic, then suddenly the conversation is easy and starts flowing like a river. Her face lights up, we talk about the characters we rolled, crazy outcomes to things we tried in game, all of that. It’s all easy and we’re off to the races. But then I try to bring it back to some of the deeper ‘getting to know you better’ questions and it’s like a gate comes down, the river is dammed up and we’re back to weird awkward silences again. And I should mention that she doesn’t ask many questions back. 

My personal theory is that maybe she’s worried that I’ve got the wrong idea that this was a date? Except I would’ve said that it was a date when I asked and our occasional flirting aside, I’ve never made anything that I would think could be seen as a move.

I have no idea if I’m doing something wrong, if she doesn’t want to be friends or if there’s some secret third thing I am completely missing. 

So doctor doctor give me the news. What’s going on here and what do I do about it? 

But How About Patch 8?   

DEAR BUT HOW ABOUT PATCH 8: This is one of those times where I think you have to accept someone as they are, BHAP8 and just roll with it.

Now, I wish you had provided examples of what you mean by “personal” questions, because that is a pretty wide range, even with the “shallow” filter. That could cover anything from “what’s been going on at work” to “anyway, how is your sex life?”, and how deep or personal you’re getting could provide some insight to the issue.

Without that level of info, we’re going to have to speculate, instead.

There’re a few possibilities here. One possibility is that yes, you’re right: she feels like you’re trying to go from occasional flirting buddies to something more, and rather than trying to turn you down directly, she’s hoping you’ll get the hint without her having to say it out loud.

I know you never said anything about it being a date, but there’re a lot of guys who’ll try to pull the Schrodinger’s Date card, where you’re both on a date and not on a date at the same time. If she’s worried that you’re trying to rope her into something or that it might be something that could be interpreted as being into you, getting quiet and not playing along is one way of avoiding the issue. This is especially true if she’s someone who’s conflict averse, or really worried about having to directly say “no” and upsetting you.

Another possibility is that she’s the sort of person who feels uncomfortable talking about herself, or may feel like you two aren’t close enough to really share those sides of her life.

A third possibility is that she doesn’t know what to say. I’m sure you’ve had moments where someone asked you something and then suddenly you realized you didn’t know how to answer it. One of the classic examples is “what do you do for fun?” or “what do you like to do when you’re not at work?” and you’re suddenly wondering if you’ve ever had fun in your entire life because you can’t think of a single thing. No hobbies, no outside interests, the inside of your head is nothing but a dial tone as you try to think of an answer and just draw blank after blank after blank. Sometimes being put on the spot like that can just cause your brain to bluescreen and you’re stuck trying to think of literally anything you’ve ever done ever.

A variation on this could be that she thinks her answers to those questions would be boring or stupid or she’s been made fun of for them before, and so she’s reluctant to bring them up. A lot of people – women especially – get told that they talk too much or that people don’t want to hear about something that they get excited for, and so they end up just quietly self-censoring around those topics.

Now, I think one thing that’s significant is that she opens up when you talk about RPGs and video games. Those seem to be things she really loves and gets a lot of joy out of, so they’re things she’s excited to talk about. This makes me wonder if maybe she’s somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum and RPGs or games are among her special interests, whereas the personal stuff just seems less interesting or less easy to talk about.

The not asking questions part also makes me wonder if she’s the sort of person who thinks “well, if you had something you wanted me to know, you’d tell me…” and asking questions (or asking questions back) isn’t something that comes naturally or effortlessly to her. There’re some folks – especially among my neurospicy bretheren, sisteren and theytheren – who have to consciously remember that asking questions is A Thing and have to make a point of asking questions, rather than monologuing or going off like a rocket when you bring up something they’re really into.

So what do you do about it? Well, you can try a few conversational gambits, like dropping some obvious open loops or unanswered questions into the stories you tell or information you share – things that would prompt more questions from someone who’s trying to engage with you. You could even call it out directly and ask if she’s uncomfortable when you ask about more personal topics. Or say “is there anything you want to ask me?”

But if I’m being honest, I think this is one of those times where drawing attention to the awkward is only going to make her feel more awkward. I suspect in this case that the better move is to let the more personal or deeper questions go for a bit; I think it’s likely that either she doesn’t feel comfortable answering those questions in general or sharing more personal information with you. Since it doesn’t seem like you two have hung out much on your own, it may be that you just haven’t – in Persona or BG3 terms – gotten your social meter with her to the point where she’d feel comfortable talking about herself more. Giving her more time to feel comfortable and focusing on your shared interests – especially since they’re the ones she responds to – will lead to more entertaining conversations for now.

(It’s also possible that she’s just not comfortable talking about herself, period, but my advice would be the same, so it’s a distinction without a difference.)

You might also occasionally drop hints that you’re dating someone else or that you’re not looking at any hangouts with her as a date. Knowing that you’re not trying to pursue something with her might help ease her nerves and encourage her to let her guard down, if that’s the problem.

As it is, having a few ice breakers that don’t feel so personal – did she play the first Baldur’s Gate games and is she more of a Minsc and Boo person or a serious PC character type? Is she more into JRPGs or Western ones, does she like action-RPGs like Skyrim or Oblivion, has she done any tabletop? – could help keep things going. I’d also recommend keeping an eye out for signs that she’s worried that a topic is dull or uninteresting to you; in those cases, make it clear that no, you absolutely want to hear more.

Let her talk about the things she enjoys and she’ll have more fun with the conversation overall. That’ll help her have fun with you in general, which will help strengthen the friendship, even if you two don’t know each other’s deepest secrets. You may get to that point, or you may not, but I think trying to force it is going to have the exact opposite of what you hope.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 39-year-old male virgin. Thanks to blog similar to yours, but in my language, I started working about my mental hangups and, after almost 20 years, started putting myself out again. 

I met woman on dating site and after 2.5 months of talking to each other by communicator (1-5 hours a day, literally about everything, including flirting that edged on phone sex) we met in real life (weekend in rented place about halfway between our towns). Our physical relationship lasted all of 4 hours. We landed in bed less than 2 hours after we met IRL, and after some making out (I kissed a woman for the first time), we ran on a problem. She got into it hot and heavy, maybe faster than I was ready for. I wanted sex on that outing, had condoms, lubricant etc. but thought that we will get into it more organically, you know, cuddling, then kissing, enthusiastic consent and baby steps. As it turned out I misread the situation and my attempts at asking for consent or guidance were buzzkills. 

We started three times into heavy petting zone, and every time when I asked about how to do it pleasurably for her, she lost the mood. After the third time, she told me that next time I need scenario in my mind, and that sometimes lack of ‘no’ means ‘yes’. After that she left and gone straight into train home. I talked with her after that (after using rest of that weekend for recovery) and she tried to be supportive, but it included suggesting finding myself partner which have as much lack of experience as I (she suggested disabled and people with mental problems and I think she really saw it as being helpful). 

After that I am plagued with a question if we were simply not matched sexually or am I that bad in bedroom because of my lack of experience, that I need to patronize sex-worker to lose my V card and get remedial education in treating woman in bed before risking ruining another relationship?

Best regards,

Maybe I’m Not Ready For Sex

DEAR MAYBE I’M NOT READY FOR SEX: This is easy, MINRFS: this was a her problem, not a you problem. Yes, there were some things you could have done differently, and we’ll cover those, but those weren’t necessarily deal breakers and wouldn’t have been with the right person. Instead, this entire experience has absolutely nothing to do with your being a virgin and everything to do with her not being someone who was right for you.

Let me start off with something very important: you were 100% right to ask for consent and to check in with her. Asking if she were cool with things and wanting to make sure she wanted to keep going is a good thing. I will be honest: her saying “sometimes a lack of ‘no’ means ‘yes’” is enough to put my hackles up. While I’m sure she doesn’t mind someone just assuming or taking a lack of a “no” as permission, that’s not going to be true for everyone and treating it as a universal rule is a great way to set someone else up for failure. Even if we assumed that women were evenly split and it was a literal coin toss between “please ask” and “asking turns me off and I will end the date”, it’s better to err on the side of seeking enthusiastic consent simply because the consequences of being wrong are much higher for everyone involved.

If you ask someone who finds being asked kills their arousal, then all that’s happened is that your date ends early and in an unsatisfying manner. Sure, that’s disappointing, but disappointment is a very small consequence to face when you’re trying to make sure that your date wanted the same things that you do. On the other hand, if you don’t ask and the other person didn’t want to go further, now you’re potentially causing actual harm. Asking, even if asking would be a turn-off, is still the better choice. 

(Also: it doesn’t take much to make asking into something incredibly sexy. If someone’s really into you, it’s very hard to ruin the moment, and asking for consent isn’t going to hit that bar. However, by folding asking for consent into part of the seduction, you turn a simple question into something that can be very, very hot.)

What she says later, however, makes me think you that you dodged a bullet by not having sex with someone who sounds like a horrible human being. Telling you to find a partner who’s disabled or has a mental handicap because they’re more “your speed” is the sort of thing that makes me say “My dear sister in Christ, run that s--t by me again…” because my first thought would be “you can’t possibly have said what I think you said” and my second thought would be “what the actual pluperfect thundering F--K is wrong with you??” 

So, while I’m sorry you missed your chance to lose your virginity, and I empathize with how frustrating this was… my guy, you honestly lucked out because this was not someone you wanted to have sex with.

So what could you do differently? Well, to start with, I think it would’ve been good to talk about what you expected and what you might want or need, before you got together. It sounds to me like the expectation for both of you was that you were meeting up specifically to have sex. Even if that hadn’t been said explicitly and openly, the increasing flirting and near-phone-sex made it clear that sex was a strong possibility. In general, I’m a fan of what’s sometimes called the “Safe Sex Elevator Talk” – what you like, what you need, what your turn-ons are, what your turn-offs are, what you absolutely won’t do– basically giving them the “here’s what you need to know in order to win with me” guide.

The benefit to this is that it lays out information that a good sex partner would want to have. After all, someone who’s worth having sex with is going to want to ensure that you have a good time, just as much as they do. And in this case, I think saying “here’s how I’d like things to go” is entirely appropriate, especially since this would be your first time.

In point of fact, I think telling her that you’re a virgin and might need a little guidance would be a good idea. I don’t know if you told her you were a virgin before you met up, or whether it came up at all, but it’s information that would be worth her having. If she were someone who absolutely didn’t want to sleep with a virgin, it would give her an opportunity to say “ok, I don’t think that’s something I’m up for”, before you spent money on the hotel room or the Airbnb. But if she were someone who was interested in being your first, it might well change how that first night proceeded – especially if she were someone worth losing your virginity to.

Here’s the thing: while I don’t think someone’s first time “needs” to be special, I do think it should be worth it and with someone who’s likewise worth it. In an ideal world, you want someone who’s going to be caring and considerate, who’s going to be invested in your having a good experience overall. To be sure, this doesn’t mean that it isn’t going to be good for her – lots of people have had mind-blowing sex with a first-timer – but it would mean that things would likely have flowed more like what you hoped for.

(And, incidentally, saying “here’s how I’d like this to proceed” is absolutely something you can say. Don’t be afraid to speak up if there’s something you need or if something feels wrong or isn’t working for you.)

I think that her knowing that you were a virgin would also have changed her attitude towards your asking for a little guidance or encouragement. To be fair: sometimes the way a person asks can be a problem. But at the same time, context also matters, and the context of “I have literally never done this before” makes a difference.

Part of being a good lover is paying attention to your partner’s behavior and learning to read their reactions and responses – this gasp means “yes please keep doing that”, that gasp means “ow, I didn’t like that”, her grabbing your head and pulling it in tighter means “if you stop what you’re doing, I will absolutely murder you right now and no jury will convict me” and so on – and saying “do you like that” or “how does this feel?” can be part of it. But it can be irritating or a bit of a buzzkill if someone is constantly asking ‘is this good’, or ‘how should I do this’, like someone asking every couple minutes for help or instruction with a simple task, especially if they presumably know what they’re doing.

But as I said: you’re a virgin and this would be your first time, ever. If she knew that you were a virgin and was down to be your first, one would hope that part of showing you the ropes would be saying “do this” or “you know what I really like? When someone does this…” or otherwise giving encouragement and direction. So, while I can see how you might – and I stress might – have contributed to the buzzkill, I think the real buzzkill was her being a horrible person.

(Seriously, I’m not getting over the ableist s--t she suggested any time soon. Handicapped people and people with mental disabilities are people, not f--ktoys someone uses for practice what the s--t??!?)

Now as I said: I think this was a bad match for you in general and as someone to have your first time with. Would it be worth your time to see a sex worker for your first time? Well, let me ask you this: how do you think you would you feel, afterwards? Would you feel like you got an experience that you wanted, or would you feel like you “cheated” somehow or that this was ultimately a degrading experience or that it said something bad about you?

As a general rule, I’m pro sex-work and pro sex-worker, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your first time being with one (with the full that this is someone who’s doing sex work because they chose to and aren’t being coerced or trafficked, etc.). If anything, there’re some definite benefits: you’re guaranteed that the entire occasion is going to be focused on you, your pleasure and having a positive overall experience. But a lot of people have mixed or complicated or even negative feelings about paying for sex in general and for one’s first time in particular. If you’d rather not go that route because you know (or worry) that it’d make you feel awkward or bad, then it’s not for you and that’s perfectly fine.��So, moving forward, I recommend getting comfortable talking and being up front about what you’d like and how you see things going, especially if it’s going to be your first time. Keep in mind: this is intended as a dialogue, where your prospective partner also shares how she would like things to proceed. As you get more experience under your belt and especially if you’re dating someone or getting to know them, you’ll be better able to read that particular person and know “ok, yes, she’s down to do X” or “She’ll like it if I do Y”, but that’s something that comes with time and familiarity.

And more than anything else, let this be a lesson: just because someone is hot and horny doesn’t mean that they’re going to be someone you want to f--k. Make sure that someone you’re going to sleep with is someone who’s actually worth your time and that you’re both invested in everyone having the kind of sex they want to have.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Years ago, I decided to start journaling… I keep two journals, one for life and one for dating… I am about to hit 50 (bleh) and I realized something startling and went through my journals to verify…in my 40’s (an entire decade now), I went on one single date that I legit consider as being really fun. One. Over that span I went out with 35 different women on more than a hundred dates and all of one was fun.

While I imagine that I am older than average for your readership, I imagine this question has some universality to it.

Modern dating is often discouraging, dispiriting, emotionally destructive, expensive, time consuming and a host of other negatives but we do it because we hope to find a relationship that makes all of the pain and frustration worth it.

The problem that I am having is that it just isn’t any fun anymore. I paid for 3 months of a membership to Hinge and deleted it after 2 months because I was just tired of it. It’s the same rinse/repeat over and over and over again and nothing good ever seems to come from any of it.

Dating is a numbers game is all well and good but I feel like I am just numb from all the garbage that goes along with dating now.

And, I’ve tried, I’ve tried to re-route dates to play pool or mini-golf but all anyone ever wants to do is the vibe check drink and then no matter how I try to re-route the conversation it always ends back to “what do I do for a living?” and I am not sure how (or why) to go forward when the last decade has produced exactly one fun date.

(and fyi she and I went out a 2nd time, the energy changed because I stupidly got excited about her and we didn’t go out 3rd time)

 Where’s The Love Of The Game?

DEAR WHERE’S THE LOVE OF THE GAME: OK, this is going to sound like I’m setting you up to dunk on you, WTLTG, but I promise you, these are sincere questions, and I want you to put some thought into them: when was the last time dating was fun for you, and what made it fun? Second question: what has changed since then that is making it harder to find the fun?

I ask, because this can help zero in on precisely where you’re running into problems and what you might want to change or do differently. We’re going to come back to this in a moment, so just let the answers to those questions marinate.

To start off: yes, dating should be fun, and the whole thing becomes much easier if you can enjoy the process as much as the results. This is one of the reasons why I’m an advocate of trying to be outcome independent when you’re trying to meet people. Yes, obviously, you’re invested in the outcome – finding a relationship with someone you like and are compatible with – but when you get too focused on the end goal, what often starts as being fun becomes a chore.

It’s a little like getting hung up on a particularly difficult boss fight in a video game; the frustration ends up taking over because you’re having to do the same goddamn thing over and over again and not getting anywhere. Soon, you’re so focused on just getting past this fight that the things that made the game enjoyable aren’t fun anymore, especially if you’re having to repeat it so many times that you could practically do it in your sleep. You may even find that things get worse as you try to rush through the early stages of the fight or getting from the save point to the boss and start dying before you even get to the part you’re stuck on. It becomes a self-reinforcing cycle – you’re frustrated and tense and so you’re not performing at your best, and so you make a stupid mistake and die, which makes you even more frustrated, which hurts your performance more, which means you make more stupid mistakes…

In those moments, what you often need to do is to break the cycle of frustration. Sometimes that means taking a break. Sometimes it means giving up on the ostensible goal – beating the boss – and f--king around a bit and refusing to take it seriously, so you try things you might not do otherwise, because who cares, it’s not like this attempt “counts”. The precise way you reconnect is less important than just finding the fun again, because it’s in those moments that you’re better prepared to play instead of grind.

So it is with dating. When you get hung up on the ultimate goal, you’re going to get frustrated, more often than not, because there’s no real way to rush it. You’re trying to balance a lot of factors – do you like them, are they a good match for you, is this the right kind of relationship for you, what about them are you willing to accept as part of the compromise that comes with every relationship – with someone who is trying to balance those same factors on their side. Because all potential matches come with variables that you can’t control for, there are never any guarantees. Even someone who seems perfect on paper or in their profile can be a poor match for you when you meet in person. Or they may be in a different place in their life right now. Or they may be dealing with other stresses and outside factors that are getting in the way. It’s entirely possible to meet someone who, under other circumstances, would be your perfect person but who isn’t at this particular place and time. That’s baked into the entire process.

Now, if we come back to those questions we asked: I’m willing to bet that at least part of the answer to both will be “you were younger”. For a lot of folks, dating as we get older often doesn’t feel the way it did in our 20s or even sometimes our early 30s. Sure, some of this involves the way dating changes over time – courtship expectations and “rules” vary and shift, what’s considered common sense or good manners in one era seems quaint, old-fashioned or even out and out wrong in another – but much of it is that we’re not the same people we were back then. We frequently don’t have the same level of freedom and availability that we did when we were younger; as we’ve grown and matured, we have more responsibilities, more obligations and more demands on our time. Our interests and lifestyles have frequently changed, which means that some of the ways we used to meet people aren’t as readily available; going to the bar or bouncing from person to person at the club is very different in your 20s than in your 40s after all. Hell, we often don’t have the same energy or stamina that we did back in the day; everything is easier when your knees don’t hurt, you don’t make noises when you sit down and you know that more than two drinks will leave you with a hangover that will f--k up your next three days.  

So, the way we date often has to change. Sure, it felt easier and simpler when we were younger, but that’s often because our lives were simpler. We didn’t have as many things to balance, and it was easier to find time for things because we had youth and a twenty-something’s metabolism on our side to help us pay the price of our choices and vices. So we have to take more things into account, which obviously can be limiting.

But being limiting doesn’t necessarily mean bad. As many a creative person can tell you, sometimes what you really need are some walls to bounce off of or restrictions you have manage in order to create something incredible. Having limits and concerns that you didn’t have when you were younger requires that you get inventive. You have to stretch your wings a bit, try new things, often even going off in directions you might never have considered when you were younger. That can end up opening up new options for you, broadening your horizons and giving you choices that you might never have even realized were possible before. And that effort and creativity can be a big part of what helps bring the fun back to dating – for you and for the people you’re taking on these dates.

Another factor is who you’re dating. There are many times when the issue is as more about the other person than it is about you. You can do everything right, but still fail, simply because the person sitting across from you is not right for you. What’s “right” for you isn’t necessarily “right” for them, after all. And if you have very different outlooks or philosophies on how you’re approaching dating, that can be an insurmountable obstacle. Someone who’s laser focused on “Marriage. Kids. Settling down NOW” isn’t going to be a good match for someone who simply wants companionship and good times, maybe feeling things out to see if there’s some long-term potential. That’s not your fault and it’s not theirs; it’s simply a matter of you two not being right for one another.

A third factor is how you’re meeting them. You mention being on Hinge and it sounds like the apps are how you’ve met most of the people you’ve been on these unsatisfying dates with. That’s actually part of the problem with things being less fun and more frustrating.

While there are profound benefits to having access to a pool of people who have explicitly opted in to meeting someone to date, quantity doesn’t necessarily have a quality all of its own. Dating apps multiply the amount of rejection you’re going to experience by orders of magnitude, simply due to their very nature. You are putting yourself out there more often on a dating app than you would be if you were meeting people in person, even at a popular singles bar. You can’t “approach” and carry on conversations with five different people at the same time when you’re in physical space; you can on the apps. This means that you’re setting yourself up for rejection far more often, simply because you’re trying to initiate a connection with more people. If you aren’t ready to let most of those rejections roll off you like water off a duck’s back, you’re basically paying for a subscription to a service designed to shred your self-esteem. That’s just the nature of the beast, regardless of the app, and it’s something that anyone signing up needs to keep in mind and be ready for.

But another problem is that dating apps – especially in the era of the swipe mechanic – encourage a mindset that’s counter to how we meet and connect with people. The way modern dating apps are designed helps reinforce a “need” for instant chemistry; you either both get hit by lightning right away or you move on. This creates a level of expectation that can be hard for most people to meet, especially with a relative stranger. Why give something more time when you can just move on to someone else? And the swipe mechanic helps create the feeling that there will always be someone else.  

To be sure, lightning can and does strike – people do meet long-term partners on the apps – but this approach means that there’re going to be a lot of first dates to nowhere. Part of this is simply because there’re factors that affect attraction that can’t be gauged without being in physical proximity of the other person. Again, this is often nobody’s fault; the necessary x-factor simply isn’t present.

But part of what can get in the way of the fun is that some of the dead-end first dates are connections that might blossom into something more if they were given more room to breathe and grow. But the instant yes/no decisions encouraged by the swipe mechanic and the incessant “hey, it’s RUSH HOUR, get on here and meet your special someone” or “it’s been 45 minutes since you were last on here, we miss you, come swipe on people” notifications encourages a feeling of “nope, too much trouble, keep looking for that instant connection”. So, if you’re someone who takes time to grow attracted to people, or you’re someone who’s strongly flavored, the dark patterns the apps encourage work against you.

So, what do you do about this? Well, one of the obvious options is to change how you’re meeting people. This is one of the reasons why I’ve been increasingly pushing folks to focus on dating slow – go out into the physical world, meet people socially, get to know them without the pressure of making that immediate “do you want me, yes or no” decision and let things build. Taking this approach may not lead to as many first dates, but it will increase the quality of the dates you have, simply because you won’t be wasting as much time on people who aren’t right for you; you’ll weed out many incompatible people long before you even think about asking them out on a date.

Another thing you will want to do is adjust your expectations to work with the facts on the ground. A lot of people, especially women who date men, are going to want a vibe-check date. It’s both for safety – they want to see that you’re who you say you are – but also to feel out whether a longer date would be an exercise in boredom or worse. Rather than fighting against the tide, it’s something you’re going to want to adapt to, simply because it’s become much more common.

Now to be fair, the vibe-check date is, in fact, something I encourage, especially if you’re meeting on the apps. The idea is that, rather than spending several hours with someone you haven’t even met yet, you spend around 20 or so minutes to have coffee or ice cream or some other low-investment meet-up that allows you to decide if you actually are attracted to this person. Sure, their profile pics were hot as hell and you had tons of chemistry when you were messaging, but you still aren’t going to know for sure until you meet in person. This way, at least, you’re ensuring that there’s enough mutual interest to spend an afternoon or evening with them. If there isn’t, then you’re out 20 minutes and the price of a latte. You can then plan your next date – assuming that you both vibe – to do the fun things like mini-golf or shooting pool.

You also want to be ready for questions like “what do you do?” Sure, you’ll meet the odd individual who is doing it because they’re looking for someone of a certain net worth and it’s rude to ask for a credit check on a first date. But more often than not, it’s an intro into who you are as a person. How someone answers this question can give a lot of insight into who they are. Leaving aside that there are folks for whom their job is their identity, the way you answer can tell someone whether you’re ambitious and driven or more go-with-the-flow. It may give them an idea whether you’re someone who’s responsible and focused, or if you’re a dreamer, a slacker or someone who is constantly moving from crisis to crisis. It may give them an idea of what your schedule would be if you were going to date, or how often you might have to cancel dates at the last minute because of work emergencies. Or it may even tell them if you’re at a job you love in a career you’ve always wanted, or if you’re feeling stuck.

So think of how to answer questions like this in ways that convey more about who you are and the sort of information you would want the other person to have. You might say “Well, I do X to pay the bills, but my passion is Y and I’ve been working towards doing that full time.” Or you might say “I’m doing Z; I’m not crazy about it but the benefits are amazing.” Or “I do A, B and F and I’m the luckiest son of a bitch alive because I love my job.”

The last thing I would suggest is to learn to be interested in people. One of the best things I’ve ever learned is how much simply being curious about other people, even folks I may not be interested in, makes life way more interesting. By assuming that everyone has something about them that makes them cool and trying to find it, I have ended up having some fascinating conversations with people and met all sorts of folks from all walks of life. Even when those encounters only last the length of time it takes to have a drink (singular), I rarely feel like my time’s been wasted or like I could’ve been doing something else. And as a bonus: if you make someone feel like they’re the most interesting person in the world, you become far more attractive to them. ��Just sayin’.

To be sure, dating can be a struggle, and it’s easy to lose sight of the why of it all. By remembering what made it fun in the first place, you’re better able to adapt and reconnect with that joy and make it a far less frustrating or irritating experience.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com