DEAR ABBY: After 30 years as a widow, I married a wonderful, gentle, caring man. The problem is his son, "Byron." Byron is a 50-year-old druggie who doesn't work and sponges off his father by making promises he never keeps.

My husband forgives him over and over because Byron is his only son. But the fighting is going to cause my husband to have a heart attack. His son rants, screams and threatens. I have personally heard him make death threats.

I finally lost my temper and told Byron exactly how I feel. Now he is refusing to come over, refuses to help his father in any way and blames me. I know what he is doing, and it breaks my heart to see my husband in such pain.

What can I do to mend the fences? Everything I said to his son is the truth. Please guide me. -- HEARTSICK IN SEATTLE

DEAR HEARTSICK: Your husband's "child" is an addict. One of the things addicts do -- and quite adeptly -- is manipulate those around them into enabling them to continue their habit. The harder a person tries to protect the addict, the more it makes the addict able to continue his/her self-destructive behavior. The reason Byron acts the way he does is because it has always worked.

Believe it or not, your husband needs help right now as much as -- or more than -- his son does. An excellent place to find it would be the Nar-Anon Family Groups, a support group founded in 1967 that offers insight and support to families and friends of addicts. It provides a safe place for members to share their experience, hope and strength with each other. To locate a group in your area, call toll-free (800) 477-6291 or visit its Web site at � HYPERLINK "http://www.Nar-Anon.org" ��www.Nar-Anon.org�.

DEAR ABBY: I am 44, a newly single mother of three young children. Two years ago I discovered that my husband had been leading a double life -- including lying, cheating, stealing and substance abuse. One of his affairs was with my favorite cousin, "Charlotte." I had always looked up to her. The news was devastating.

Equally devastating is the reaction of my family. They consider Charlotte to be a "victim" of my former husband. They say I should get over it and move on. They want to invite her to family functions, including my youngest sister's wedding, in which my children and I have been asked to participate.

Since the affair, Charlotte has continued to be an alcoholic. She has never attempted to apologize appropriately. Once she did, but she was drunk and refused to take responsibility for her actions. Out of respect for my feelings, I think Charlotte should be excluded from the wedding. If she is invited, I'm not sure my children and I will attend. What do you think? -- OUTRAGED IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR OUTRAGED: You should thank your higher power that you're rid of the substance-abusing, morally challenged philanderer you married. He had the affair with Charlotte because she was handy, vulnerable and addled by alcohol. She has tried to apologize, but because she was drunk couldn't get her message across. Does this absolve her? No! But until Charlotte sobers up, expecting an "appropriate" apology is as unrealistic as asking someone with a broken leg to tap-dance.

Take part in the wedding and allow yourself to have a good time. Stop nursing your anger for Charlotte and direct it where it belongs -- at your ex. Do this if not for yourself, then in the name of family unity. No woman is an island, and with your current mind-set, you're only isolating yourself.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a stay-at-home mom with two little girls. My problem is that my father-in-law insists on visiting us when his son -- my husband -- is at work. I find it weird and imposing. I have already voiced my discomfort to my husband. He tells me I am being ridiculous and selfish. Is that so?

My father-in-law also shows up at my part-time job unannounced to "visit" me. Am I being ridiculous? -- INVADED IN SHORT HILLS, N.J.

DEAR INVADED: Could your father-in-law be bored, lonely or physically attracted to you? Wanting to spend time with the grandchildren is understandable, but visiting you at your job sends another message. At the very least, assuming he can drop by any time and you will entertain him is presumptuous.

You are neither ridiculous nor selfish. Your father-in-law appears to have no boundaries. He owes you the courtesy of calling before coming over to ask if it would be convenient. If you are uncomfortable alone with him, listen to your gut and refuse to have him over unless your husband is at home.

DEAR ABBY: My 3-year-old son, "Jared," died of cancer a year ago last August. Before then, I was afraid to die. Now that Jared is gone I'm no longer scared to die. This may sound bad, but now I can't wait to die.

I would never kill myself because if I did, I wouldn't go to heaven. I'm not formally religious and never have been, but I know that heaven is where Jared is, and I badly want to reunite with him.

Before I was 21, I did a lot of bad things. I am now 28, and I deeply regret them. I stole money from family members. I also took things from stores and drank a lot. (I still drink.) I also did drugs and lied. (Sometimes I still do.)

What can I do to make sure that when I die I'll be with my beautiful boy? Jared was my life, and the only thing getting me through his death is knowing I'll see him again. Please help. -- UNSURE WHERE I'LL END UP

DEAR UNSURE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your little boy. I know you are in pain, and while you say you are not formally religious, your faith is what is getting you through this.

While it is impossible to change one's past behavior, there is much you can do to improve your future. First and foremost, cut out the drinking, drugging and lying, and find a way to constructively contribute to this life. Once you do, you will not only begin to feel better about yourself, but will also begin paving the way to heaven. The mistakes of your youth should not prevent this.

I urge you to discuss your concerns with a clergyperson who can offer you guidance. You can also find comfort in talking with other parents who have lost children. They will identify with your pain in a way that no one else can.

A group I have mentioned in my column recently is The Compassionate Friends. There are hundreds of chapters, and if you check its Web site (www.compassionatefriends.org), it can refer you to local meetings. Please don't wait to contact it.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Our 40th wedding anniversary will soon be here, and my wife, "Nancy," and I are considering renewing our vows. We were married when I was in the service during the Vietnam War, so we had only a rushed ceremony with a justice of the peace.

I would like a full-blown wedding for my dear wife. I picture Nancy walking down the aisle wearing her white gown, looking as beautiful as the day we were first married. My children, now adults, think this is unnecessary and a waste of money. (We don't have much -- we're on Social Security.)

I think my wife deserves the wedding she never had. Nancy has been through so much stress with all the surgeries I've had. I feel the love of my life and mother of my children deserves the wedding she was dreaming of. What do you think? -- STEVE W. IN PHOENIX

DEAR STEVE: Frankly, I think what you're considering is a beautiful gesture, but you have already given your wife the kind of MARRIAGE most women dream of -- a lifetime with a husband who demonstrates his caring and devotion. If you can afford the kind of renewal of vows you're considering and Nancy can still fit into that dress, then go for it. However, under no circumstances should you spend more than you can afford.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Julie's" 13-year-old daughter, "Marci," used to be a little overweight, but she has recently lost most of the extra pounds. Julie keeps telling Marci how great she looks "now." (I never heard her tell her daughter that she looked great when she was heavier.) I compliment Marci by telling her she looks terrific, but that I always thought she was beautiful -- no matter what her weight was.

In this day and age of eating disorders in young girls, what is the proper way to offer a compliment when a teenage girl loses weight so that she won't go overboard from suddenly hearing a lot of praise? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN DEERFIELD, MASS.

DEAR CONCERNED: Your way. To do otherwise could cause a girl to develop an eating disorder, if she doesn't already have one. You should also compliment her on her other good qualities because it's important that young women feel valued for more than the number on their bathroom scale or their dress size.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a middle-aged woman, dating a man my age. "Jack" and I are in the entertainment industry. (I'm a dance instructor, and he's a musician.)

When I have a cold, Jack refuses to see me until I am completely over it. He says he doesn't want to get sick. It has been a week since I've seen him. How does this strike you in terms of commitment, marriage, living together, being together as a couple?

I understand that Jack doesn't want to catch my cold, but we're a couple! It feels very weird to me, as though I'm not important to him. What's your take on this? -- IN QUARANTINE IN MORRO BAY

DEAR IN QUARANTINE: If Jack plays a wind instrument, a cold could affect his ability to work. Another possibility might be that colds may hit him harder and last longer than they do you. Your boyfriend could also be germ-phobic or commitment-phobic.

I wish I could give you a conclusive answer, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait until you're no longer contagious, then "catch" it from Jack.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)