DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss let me know that my co-workers have often “told on me,” reporting when I arrive back to work three minutes late from lunch or leave a few minutes early (to make sure I took the time off).

I don’t know how to continue to work with these people and see them daily, now that I know that none of them are my friends -- and that, in fact, they have it out for me and are reporting every little thing I do.

GENTLE READER: Naive Miss Manners never fell for the line that her co-workers should also be her best friends. But then, she also never suffered the heartache of being fired after years on the job only to discover, as so many have, that all those supposed friends no longer returned her calls.

She would, however, have taken note of a boss who was decent enough to tell her what was going on -- both so that she could correct the behavior that might be threatening her continued employment and to establish some reasonable expectations about co-workers.

As to these particular colleagues, Miss Manners would have no trouble treating them with a professional aloofness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it worse to go to a party without RSVPing or to not go to the party?

GENTLE READER: As this is a question about skipping important steps, Miss Manners noticed a few other points missing.

As there is nothing wrong with declining an invitation, she presumes your second option refers to the rudeness of failing to attend after having said you would. And you would not call someone rude for failing to attend due to a recognized exception such as a genuine illness.

Either way, her answer is, “Why do you ask?” If it is to keep score, she will remind you that two wrongs do not make a right. However, showing up unexpected is harder on the host, who will now have to stretch his four-bean stew to five guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my children were growing up, we were close friends with another family. Both families taught the children old-fashioned respect for their elders and expected them to call adults by "Mr." or "Mrs."

One of their children is now attending our church. She is in her mid-20s and I am 49. She continues to refer to me as "Mrs. Smith." It feels awkward, especially in small groups like our women’s Bible study. I have invited her to call me by my first name several times.

She is a sweet girl, and I don’t want her to feel chastised. But it makes me feel strange. Should I let it go or continue to ask her to use my first name?

GENTLE READER: You may decide how you wish to be addressed, but there is no reason the adjustment needs to be unpleasant for her.

On the contrary, take her aside and make a fuss over how charmed you are to have her as an adult friend -- how she is no longer a child -- and how much it would mean to you for her to address you as such. Just please, for Miss Manners’ sake, refrain from the trite excuse that being called "Mrs." makes you feel old.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should a daughter spend Father’s Day with her husband or her father?

I haven’t seen my daughter on Father’s Day since she got married 18 years ago. Her husband demands to spend Father’s Day at their beach house 300 miles away, and later, they will want to host me there for a visit.

I think this is extremely selfish of him and a slap in the face to me. She has no backbone when it comes to him and his family; she "married up," or so she thinks. I am not going to condone this any longer, and I know it will put a big rift between us.

I am tired of enabling this behavior. I deserve more respect. Her husband is not her father, I am! Let him go to the beach house and take the kids with him. His ego creates this divide!

GENTLE READER: You are tempting Miss Manners to guess why you don’t get along with your daughter’s family. But as she prides herself on answering people’s questions when they are within her field of expertise, rather than shuffling everyone off to therapy, she will attempt to defuse this situation.

First, you refer to the couple’s children. It is reasonable for them to want to celebrate Father’s Day as a family, including with Mama. Or did the husband leave your daughter alone on Mother’s Day in favor of his own mother?

Second, the likelihood of your daughter being held hostage by her husband, unable to break away to see her own father, is not great.

Third, they are not ostracizing you. They have invited you to their beach house for a visit.

So the etiquette problem is not their behavior, but your taking insult.

You already know what your options are: to accept the situation, or to continue to rail against your daughter and son-in-law for their perfectly reasonable behavior and thus cause a family rift. Your choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper dining etiquette with regard to the hand that is not holding a utensil?

When we traveled to Europe, the locals did not like that my unused arm was in my lap, as they said that was improper. My children are constantly bucking my request of using good table manners.

GENTLE READER: The expensive way to solve this would be to offer to take the children to Europe once they master the difference between American and European customs.

In America, it is proper to keep the unused hand in one’s lap; in Europe, it is rested on the table. In neither part of the world is it polite to characterize others’ manners as rude.

And Miss Manners notes that throughout the world, it is proper for children to listen to their parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why does it always happen when you are in a public place like a bus, you speak to someone and at least one stranger looks and hangs on to your private conversation? What can one do to stop that?

GENTLE READER: That’s what bus stops are for.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We’ve been invited to a combination multi-graduate/Father’s Day gathering at an in-law’s house. The hosts suggested it in order to honor all the fathers in the family, as well as the three graduates: my husband from grad school, our son from high school and the hosts’ daughter from high school. Our in-laws have offered to provide all the food and beverages.

With one week to go, we’ve been informed that the hosts will show a video of their daughter’s life through high school. The daughter is intelligent, athletic and accomplished (head of her school’s newspaper, etc.).

Our son has a learning disorder and worked very hard, including taking summer school and repeating some classes, in order to pass our state’s high school exit exam and graduate. His accomplishments are more personal than his cousin’s, which are public.

My brother-in-law has “invited” us to put a video together for our son and bring it to share. We don’t know how, and it’s awfully short notice for us, who are technologically challenged. (BIL works in the computer industry.)

What are our polite options? Is there a kind way to avoid watching the cousin's video, or must guests indulge their host’s every whim? Also, how do we protect our children from what is bound to encourage uneven comparisons in this competitive family? Should we even worry about that?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners does not necessarily believe that family competitions should be encouraged. But here is how to win this one:

Do not make a film. After sitting through the celebration of the hosts’ daughter, the rest of the family will be only too grateful not to have to watch another.

Just stand up and say, “Congratulations, Olivia! That’s wonderful. We’re equally proud of Liam’s achievements, but we’re not filmmakers, so I’m afraid you’ll just have to take our word for it.”

You -- and Liam -- will probably get an ovation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My youngest son is getting married this summer. His wife-to-be has a large extended family.

I have received an invitation to a dinner/shower which, across the top in big letters, states: "Couples only."

I am not in a couple, and haven’t been for some time. I am not dating anyone, and my ex-husband is dead, so I can’t ask him. I am not sure what the correct way is to RSVP. I think this might be the first of other invites that will come this way.

GENTLE READER: The wording is unfortunate, but Miss Manners is guessing that it is not intended to say that you can’t come to dinner unless you are married.

Rather, it is probably to suggest that single people should not bring what is (also unfortunately) known as a plus-one.

At least, let us hope so. Check with your son. If they really mean that they are running a Noah’s Ark operation, he might want to reconsider hopping aboard.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can/should one wish a Roman Catholic priest “Happy Father’s Day”?

GENTLE READER: If you are sure that he has a sense of humor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)