DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering if it would be crass or in poor taste to give a new widow a thoughtful sympathy card with money in it, rather than sending flowers.

A dear friend just became widowed in her late 40s after her husband’s somewhat lengthy and most unexpected illness.

My friend has been a stay-at-home mom throughout her marriage, and has no post-high school education. I’m sure she will get life insurance benefits, as her husband had a union job, and of course she can get Social Security benefits. But I imagine a good-paying job will be a challenge to find.

I find it impractical to spend a couple hundred dollars on a floral arrangement that will soon be dead, and would prefer to give her some money and a nice handwritten note. Is this acceptable?

GENTLE READER: Let us think about this for a second. A newly widowed young-ish woman receives a thoughtful letter from her close friend about her dearly departed husband -- and cash falls out of it.

This is not a teenager’s birthday card from a well-meaning but emotionally unavailable grandpa. This is an adult woman who, higher education notwithstanding, wants to maintain her dignity after her husband’s death.

If his illness was lengthy (but also unexpected?), surely there was talk and arrangements made over how she would get on without him. And if not, some extra cash is not going to be worth the embarrassment of her thinking that her friends believe she cannot handle life on her own.

More meaningful than a hundred dollars, or the equivalent in flowers, would be that condolence letter -- plus an invitation to dinner or companionship when she is ready. Having never navigated the world on her own, she may need assurance that she still has a supportive social circle.

Of course, if your friend immediately starts her own public fundraising platform, which she will undoubtedly do, Miss Manners will give up her self-righteous defense and humbly take it all back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family enjoys hosting casual open house-type parties. Whoever wants to stop by can do so at their leisure throughout the day, and we usually get time to visit one-on-one with our guests.

We always have plenty of food, but well-meaning friends who don’t want to show up empty-handed always ask, “What can I bring?” My answer is always that there’s no obligation to bring anything, but they’re welcome to bring a bottle of wine or a treat to share if they’d like.

However, people tend to bring food and leave it behind, leaving us with leftovers our family couldn’t possibly consume before they spoil. I don’t want to offend anyone by implying their treats aren’t good enough for us, but I also don’t want food to go to waste. What is the appropriate etiquette for party leftovers brought by a guest?

GENTLE READER: If freezing them or a neighborly giveaway is not an option, gently insist that guests take their food with them, saying, “These were delicious, but we couldn’t possibly consume them all. Can I give you back at least half?”

Of course, Miss Manners’ real advice is to avoid the problem entirely by being more insistent when they ask in the first place.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I politely invite someone to my home but also indicate that they should not bring their friends or family with them?

We moved a couple years ago to a different city, and made new friends we really like. We also have neighbors a couple of houses away who will just come over to join any gathering without an invite.

I was hosting dinner for a pair of friends, and they brought a couple of mutual friends with them. I had to stretch the food and was very uncomfortable.

How can I let the neighbor know they are not invited when they just show up? It is becoming a pattern now.

GENTLE READER: Are these two separate situations? Are your guests bringing mutual friends to some dinner parties, and your neighbors just showing up to others? Or are the neighbors showing up at the same time that the friends brought over other friends?

That would indeed stretch the food. But assuming they are separate:

For the friends bringing friends without warning, Miss Manners is afraid there is not much you can do in the moment. The next time you invite them, if you do, you might say, “I enjoyed meeting the McDougals, but wasn’t expecting them. Please do let us know next time if you are thinking of inviting anyone else. We will have to decide whether we can be sufficiently prepared.”

As for the neighbors, just because they show up does not mean you have to invite them in. “I’m afraid that we have other company over right now, but we would love to see you another time.” At least with them, you know their journey home is easy. With friends of friends -- unless you similarly banish their ride -- you are stuck.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the rule on inviting someone to accompany you to a play that’s close to being sold out, and they don’t respond to your invitation in a timely way?

I invited a friend to go to a show with a limited run, and mentioned in my invitation that it was almost sold out. I said that I would go ahead and purchase my ticket if I didn’t hear from her; I didn’t set a time limit.

I did buy my own ticket -- and then heard from her, two days later, saying that she was interested in accompanying me. Should I have waited to hear from her before purchasing my ticket?

GENTLE READER: How long did you give her before you gave up and bought yours? Somewhere between 5 minutes and two days is reasonable.

Miss Manners agrees that ultimatums with friends can be awkward, but in this case, a time limit would have been helpful. Or at least made you feel better about getting on with it.

Of course you do not state it as an ultimatum -- only that you are worried that tickets will sell out, so you are going to get yours by the end of the day, whether or not you have heard from her.

Presumably you could still go with each other, just not necessarily sit together. Especially if only standing room is left. Either way, you both will have learned a lesson.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have discovered that my husband’s small business has been sending out birthday/anniversary cards addressed to clients by their first names (i.e. Joe Smith). I believe that the envelopes should be addressed using a title (Mr. Joe Smith). I have been informed by my husband, and his young receptionist, that using the title is too formal and omitting it is friendlier.

His clients are professionals between the ages of 30 and 90. I believe that most of them were raised during a time of proper etiquette, and that my husband not using titles makes his correspondence appear uncouth. Am I just being too picky?

GENTLE READER: "Mr. Joe Smith" would be Miss Manners’ preference. But then, she would also prefer not to receive birthday cards from her (for instance) dentist, who only knows her birthday from her private medical records -- not because he is a friend.

Now Miss Manners has a question of her own: Is this decision being made by the proprietor of the business, his wife or the receptionist who claims to know what everybody is doing these days? She is merely curious, since the lines between the personal and the professional seem to be particularly blurred at your husband’s place of business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a tremor in my hands, worse in my dominant hand, and it affects my table manners. In public, I try to choose foods that are relatively easy for me to handle, but I often have to make unconventional accommodations, such as holding my right hand with my left while eating, or putting my chin right over my bowl.

On occasion, if a food proves too difficult, I ask the restaurant to wrap it up, telling them that I am full. Then I take it home, where I can eat it in whatever manner I choose.

But perhaps I should forgo eating in public altogether?

GENTLE READER: Not on Miss Manners’ account, nor for any rule of etiquette. Accommodations for physical necessity are an essential part of good manners.

Sadly, the greatest proof of this lies in the now-rampant misuse of the rule. Why do you think we are discovering so many new diseases and allergies every time someone decides they do not want to eat their peas?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you do if you say something pleasant to someone, or ask them a question, and they totally ignore you?

I’m talking about various situations: a cashier or a library clerk, but also people I work with. I know they hear me, but they don’t respond.

I used to work with women who would ignore me at work if I said anything to them, but if they saw me out at a store, they would say hi to me. Should I have ignored them, like they did to me?

GENTLE READER: Deliberately ignoring someone who is speaking to you is a high insult, one that is tantamount to severing relations. For that very reason, it is not something you should strain to see when it was not intended. Why would someone insult you at work but then later greet you at the store?

You can always repeat a greeting to make sure the person heard, but Miss Manners cautions that with more casual acquaintances, it may be wiser to overlook such slights.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)