DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just after Thanksgiving each year, my young nieces send out a letter to the extended family that contains their "Letter to Santa," outlining the things they would like as gifts.

Sometimes the letters are very cute. My husband and his siblings grew up with these letters as a tradition, and I don’t mind receiving them.

What I don’t want is for my kids to write similar letters. I don’t like them getting used to the idea that they can just make lists of things other people should get for them. Quietly I believe this leads to overuse of gift registries later in life.

But my in-laws have requested lists from my children. How do I explain that this isn’t something we’re going to do, without making it seem like negative commentary on other people's parenting?

I’ve tried suggesting the relatives talk with my kids and see what they are into lately, but that hasn’t gone very far.

GENTLE READER: Then why not tell them yourself? “Well, Noah is into dinosaurs right now, and Ruby is into cars, although she also wants to be a scientist. So I’m sure any sort of book or toy on those subjects would be perfect.” And then Miss Manners suggests you keep nattering on until your in-laws wish they had not asked.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that I’m widowed, I am eating breakfast out with friends more frequently. Eggs often need a little salt, but not always, and restaurant saltshakers often deposit too much at once.

What I prefer is to taste the food first, and then if salt is needed, I sprinkle some into one hand. I then pinch some with my other hand, distributing as needed. A “high sprinkle” gives the widest distribution. If there is extra salt left in my hand, I dump it in a little mound away from the food.

At least one companion has seemed strangely fascinated by my salt habits.

I have tried to start with a mound of salt and dip each bite into that, but of course this is usually too much salt, too localized. Am I within civilized bounds to use my clean, dry hands?

GENTLE READER: While this practice is practical and as sanitary as any other method, Miss Manners still finds it less than ... savory. A quick sprinkle on your hand to test the acceleration of the salt is fine if you can hide it. But Miss Manners supposes that if you can get away with that, you can probably also get away with depositing it from your hand onto the food.

It is what you do with the rest of it that is giving Miss Manners pause. Mounds of salt on the plate or remnants scattered on the floor are both unappetizing and potentially dangerous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation states "black tie" for a 4:30 p.m. wedding. The bridesmaids are wearing long black gowns. Is it acceptable for women guests to wear long black dresses?

GENTLE READER: No. And not just because etiquette and Miss Manners condemn it (black looks funereal at a wedding, and black tie and long dresses for guests should only be worn after 6 p.m.). But at this wedding, you will also be confused for a bridesmaid.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation for a work-sponsored event. The invitation states: “To help us minimize our environmental footprint and make cleanup easier, we kindly ask that you bring your own silverware, plate and beverage container.”

So, when I arrive, I will be toting a plate, some silverware (not sure if I will need a knife or a spoon) and a cup or water bottle. Then when I leave, I will be taking home these same items, now dirty. This feels quite awkward to me -- and messy!

My daughter also received an invitation to an event that asked that she bring her own beverage container. Is this a new trend? What do you think of these requests?

GENTLE READER: Your workplace is playing fast and loose with the words “sponsored” and “event.” If the guests are providing basic supplies, it is neither.

Besides the obvious rudeness and inconvenience, Miss Manners does not even understand how it helps the environment. Does it not take the exact same amount of dirty dishes and cleanup effort -- just distributed amongst the invited guests instead of the hired cleanup crew (who surely must be present for food service anyway)?

It is enough to make one never want to leave the house. In fact, you may want to bolt down the furniture. Requests for supplying your own table and chair might be next.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the "last hostess standing" in my family and an associated circle of older friends. Everyone else has a reason why folks cannot gather at their house.

I welcome their offers to “bring something” because I cannot manage holiday meals and birthday celebrations without help. I’ve gotten quite good at suggesting what to bring.

I have one relative who insists on doing preparation in my kitchen immediately before the meal instead of bringing a completed dish. I swear, if I asked her to bring salt, she would need 3 feet of counter space and 30 minutes to assemble an heirloom salt grinder first. She'd also need two people to assist, and she’d complain I don’t have salt spoons.

Is it OK to ask her to do the dishes instead?

GENTLE READER: Not really. But how about drinks? Preferably ones in closed containers that do not require mixing, shaking or decanting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every time I go out to eat with a particular friend, and there’s another friend with us, she does the rudest thing. When we are finished eating and are just sitting around the table talking, she will suddenly jump up without warning and say she has to go. It’s always so sudden and so jarring.

She never does it when it’s just the two of us, and I’d gently let her know of my displeasure if she did.

Any suggestions on how I might deal with this discourteous behavior? Or is this just something I must silently and sullenly abide?

GENTLE READER: Jump up just as suddenly and say, “Wait, what?! You’re going?! Is everything OK? Do you need a ride somewhere? HOW CAN WE HELP?”

That oughta put an end to Particular Friend’s sudden departures. Or at least, Miss Manners would think, slow her down.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at the head of a line to vote; the precinct wasn’t crowded, and no one’s wait was long. The precinct volunteer encountered a problem that prompted her to seek help, and I spent my wait looking at the floor rather than staring in her direction, not wanting her to misinterpret my gaze as annoyance (the wait was no big deal).

After about 30 seconds, the person behind me jabbed my left shoulder five times, HARD, to alert me to the volunteer’s availability.

Miss Manners, I am ill, weak, meek and small (5 feet tall, 90 pounds); the stranger behind me was at least 6 inches taller, at least 20 years younger and clearly much stronger/sturdier. I turned to her and mumbled “sorry.”

I wish I’d had the presence of mind to utter a loud, reproachful “Ouch!,” which Miss Manners has suggested a few times over the years in comparable situations. Barring that, would it have been acceptable for me to say, “Please don’t jab strangers; if you had simply tugged lightly on my coat sleeve, you would have gotten my attention”?

GENTLE READER: When we are not happy with how we acted when mistreated in the past, it may be natural to rehash those events -- including pondering better ways to handle it in future.

But new proposed solutions should be superior if they are to be adopted. Lecturing the perpetrator in a room full of strangers sounds to Miss Manners too much like correcting another person’s manners (rude) -- not to mention challenging to execute for someone who describes herself as meek.

Unlike Miss Manners’ preferred solution, which you mention, your proposed response also forfeits the sympathy of everyone in the room, which she would have thought would be much more satisfying -- not just in the moment, but when you are replaying it in your mind later.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have taken our grown children, their children and friends on several nice vacations. We planned another trip to surprise them at Christmas.

Now we have learned from our daughter that her husband does not want to go. He didn’t offer an explanation, and now our daughter isn’t going.

We are out big bucks for nonrefundable tickets, and they haven’t offered to reimburse us. Why would someone refuse a free vacation?

GENTLE READER: Even if Miss Manners’ clairvoyance were functioning, it is her experience that the answers to such questions are seldom welcome. Nor, generally, are surprises that commandeer adults’ schedules.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am sometimes treated to acquaintances railing that they will leave the state/country if one candidate or another wins. “I’ll help you pack” is an inappropriate response, but is there anything I can say over an otherwise friendly meal that is neither agreement nor provocation?

GENTLE READER: “Does that mean those peas are up for grabs?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)