DEAR HARRIETTE: I helped my friend “Erica” get hired at my company. I usually do not like recommending people I know to work with me, but the job market has been tough, so I didn’t mind. Erica was hired, and unfortunately she has not been performing well. She is about six months in now, and recently the hiring manager asked if I might speak with Erica to see if there’s any additional support that she needs to help her be her best self. I did just that, and Erica did not appreciate it. She told me that my reference was the extent of the help that she needed from me; that was a rude awakening. Later, the hiring manager told me that Erica is rarely on time for work and even for important meetings. Because Erica set that boundary, though, I don’t feel comfortable talking to her about her performance again. Should I feel guilty if this all costs her the job? -- Work Performance

DEAR WORK PERFORMANCE: Your reputation is on the line at your job. You must preserve that, so I recommend two steps. Though Erica asked you to stay out of her business, butt in one more time. Tell her that you know she doesn’t want you to meddle, but you need to let her know that her unprofessional behavior has been brought to your attention. Because you recommended her, her behavior reflects directly on you. Ask her to recommit to the job or look for another as you believe she is not meeting expectations at your company.

Next, speak to the hiring manager. Explain that you spoke to Erica about their concerns, but you hope her performance doesn’t reflect on you. Apologize for any disruption she may be causing. Do know, however, that it is highly unprofessional for the hiring manager to bring their concerns about a colleague to you rather than speaking to that person directly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love your column, but I do want to comment on your letter to “Off-Limits,” whose boyfriend of two months wouldn't show her his home. While your response was good, I don't think it went far enough. If she sat him down and told him her concerns, I think the odds are low that he would open up with her and be honest -- and, no matter what he told her, how could she really know if he was being honest? He could give her some sob story about being homeless or couch-surfing or something else, and it could have been covering up the real fact that he had another woman at home.

After two months, I think it's a huge red flag that he won’t show her his place; I would strongly advise her to break it off before she gets more involved with him. -- Second Thoughts

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Thank you for your kind words about my column and your thoughts about this woman’s boyfriend. Many people have chimed in on this one -- it hit a nerve! I see why you say to break it off. I have one more thought, which is to slow way down if he is hiding where he lives. Don’t get too close until you have developed complete trust. That has to include revealing basic details about your life.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago. It was a difficult decision, but ultimately I felt it was the right one for both of us. Since the breakup, we hadn’t spoken at all -- no texts, no calls, no accidental run-ins.

I had started to move on and was focusing on myself, trying to heal and rebuild my sense of peace. Then, out of the blue, he called me. I was shocked to see his name pop up on my phone. When I answered, he asked if I wanted to grab dinner or get a drink that night. I was caught off guard and told him no, not because I was trying to be mean, but because I didn’t understand where this was coming from or what he wanted. I asked him why he had reached out and what made him want to see me again, especially after two months of complete silence. He couldn’t give me a clear answer. He kind of just shrugged it off and said he didn’t really know, but he “thought it might be nice.”

Now I’m left feeling confused. Why would he call me out of nowhere like that? Is he regretting the breakup? Did he miss me in a moment of weakness, or is he trying to keep a connection alive? Should I read into this or let it go and keep moving forward? -- He’s Back

DEAR HE’S BACK: Do you have any desire to rekindle a relationship with your ex? If not, stop thinking about this incident. Remind yourself of the reasons you broke up with him in the first place. Be OK with your decision, and move on.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This past year has been hard for me. I was recently diagnosed with a few health issues that have been affecting my daily life more than I expected. On top of managing the physical symptoms, I’ve been struggling emotionally, and I was recently diagnosed with depression as well.

What’s made it harder is that I haven’t told anyone about what I’m going through -- not family or friends. I’ve kept everything to myself because I feel embarrassed about my diagnoses. I can’t shake the feeling that if I open up, people will see me differently or treat me with pity, and I don’t want that. Because I’ve been holding everything in, I feel isolated. I go through my days pretending everything is normal when, in reality, I’m struggling just to get out of bed some mornings. I want to talk to someone about what’s going on, but I don’t know how to start that conversation. How do I begin to let people in without feeling like I’m losing my sense of privacy or pride? -- Isolated

DEAR ISOLATED: Start with a therapist. Find a professional with whom you can talk about your situation, and cultivate coping skills that will strengthen you. Pick one friend you believe will have compassion, and tell them about your situation. Ask that person to keep your business confidential. Start by saying you need to confide something sensitive to them. Then reveal as much or as little as you care to in that first conversation. Don’t dump it all at once. Ease into your revelation.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister has been living with me for the past 12 years -- ever since she and her husband separated. At first, we were angry with him for how he treated her, but after living with her, my thoughts have changed. I’ve tried to correct her bad habits and set boundaries to keep my family comfortable, but she doesn’t respect me or my rules. She doesn’t contribute anything toward the household needs; she is often disrespectful to me and my husband; and the other day when I told her enough is enough, she told me that I owe her because she paid for my schooling when we were growing up ... 40 years ago! Can you imagine that? She isn’t working right now, so I feel bad putting her out, but I cannot keep sacrificing my peace. Any suggestions? -- Paying My Dues

DEAR PAYING MY DUES: It is time for what some folks call a “come to Jesus” chat with your sister. Explain to her that because she is your sister and she was in need, you took her in 12 years ago to make sure she was safe. While you have no desire to keep score on who has done what, this is a fact. Acknowledge that she was helpful to you in the past, including paying for your education, and tell her you are grateful.

Now your family needs peace, and she refuses to do some basic things that you need to create a peaceful environment. Ask her once again to curb her behavior. If she does not or cannot comply, give her a deadline for moving out. Perhaps there is another family member she can move in with. If not, she may need to look at public housing. There is always a way, even if it’s awkward.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday is coming up, and I would love to celebrate with my friends. I’ve done my best to make affordable, convenient plans in hopes of making things more feasible for my guests. I reached out to my best friend and asked her what she thought about the restaurant I’d like to go to, and her response was, “You know I have a baby now, but I’ll let you know.” I wasn’t really sure what to make of this. Does that mean the restaurant is not child friendly? Or is it too expensive? Or is she not available on that date? I didn’t push or pry, but I do feel offended. She normally has lavish birthday celebrations, not to mention her birthday lands on New Year’s Eve, which automatically makes it way more expensive. Is it too much to ask for her to reciprocate when my birthday comes around? -- Birthday Blues

DEAR BIRTHDAY BLUES: Go back to your friend and ask her what her comment meant. Be direct. Tell her you want to figure out a way to celebrate your big day and you want her help. You can point out that she always throws lavish parties, but you want to do something more modest so that everyone can participate. Ask for her input.

Know, too, that when people have young children, their priorities often change dramatically. She may not realize how disconnected she is from you at this moment. Ask her to pay attention to your needs for a moment. Hopefully she will.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)