DEAR HARRIETTE: I accidentally referred to my friend with the wrong pronouns, and they snapped at me! We’ve been friends for nearly a year now, but I introduced them to some new friends and used the pronoun “she” to describe something about them. I felt awful. Just as quickly as I was about to correct myself, they were already yelling at me. They lost it. They accused me of not caring enough after a year of building friendship -- that is not the case at all! Although I was thoroughly embarrassed, I know that reaction was probably really a result of them encountering many people who truly don’t care. I want my friend to know that I am not one of those people. Their pronouns do matter to me. I will admit, though, that I have a bad habit of assuming people’s pronouns based on their appearance. How can I be more mindful of people’s preferred pronouns? Any tips? -- Pronouns Matter

DEAR PRONOUNS MATTER: The easiest way to be neutral about pronouns is to refer to people as “they.” That is hard for me as I am a strict grammarian, and it feels against the rules for me to say they when referring to one person. That said, when you truly care about someone and want to be respectful of how they refer to themselves, you can default to "they" or pause and try to remember what they call themselves. That mini pause may be able to get you in alignment. Hopefully your friend, whoever they may be, will see the effort that you are making.

While it is important to address people in the way they prefer, what’s more important is to show your love and respect for them. It sounds like your friend is overly sensitive and took it out on you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating someone for a couple of months now, and I thought things felt serious between us. Over the weekend, we were on our way to a date when her phone rang -- it was another guy. She answered the call out loud and told the person she was busy and would return his call later, but he called her “babe” as they were hanging up. I was so confused, and she could tell. She apologized for taking the call in front of me, and I lost my cool because I thought she should be apologizing for leading me on. Apparently, we were never explicit about being exclusive, and she has been dating other people.

I wasn’t up for a date after that news, so I found my way home. I really do like this girl and realize that maybe my misstep was not being up-front about my feelings sooner. Do you think it’s worth explaining that to her now, or are she and I on two different pages in terms of how we feel about each other? -- Dating Exclusively

DEAR DATING EXCLUSIVELY: If you like this woman, fight for her. Ask her to meet with you, and tell her that you would like to be exclusive. Admit that you were taken aback when another suitor called her but that you realized the two of you had never had that discussion. Ask her if she thinks there’s a chance for the two of you to build something special and, if so, whether she is willing to be exclusive with you while you figure it out. If she does not agree, then you will know what to do next.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student, and I have moved several hours away from home to attend my dream school in New York City. I feel guilty for moving away from my family, especially since for the majority of my life, it’s just been me, my mom and my little sister. My 10-year-old little sister keeps reminding me how much she misses me, and she tells me she can’t wait for me to come home. Sadly, I may not be able to return home at the holidays or over the summer, depending on my work and internship schedules. How do you think I should navigate this and explain why I may not be able to come home to my little sister, especially when I keep hearing stories from my mom and grandma about how much she cries over me? -- Guilty in NYC

DEAR GUILTY IN NYC: It was your mother’s job to prepare your sister for your eventual departure. I’m sorry she did not do that. Part of having children and getting them to maturity is making sure they will be OK on their own and that anyone still in the home will be fine when they leave. Clearly, that didn’t happen.

What you can do now is stay in contact with your sister on a regular basis. Let her know that you love her and will always be there for her -- but from a distance. Encourage her to continue with her life. Remind her to keep up with her extracurricular activities and explore anything else that may interest her. Encourage her to sign up for social engagements so that she fills her time with other activities. For your part, reassure her of how much you love her and that love exists even when you are not in the same place. Set up a regular video call, and keep her updated on your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends recently lost her father unexpectedly; she is going through it mentally. I have never lost someone before, and I want to be there for her during this rough time, but I don’t want to do or say anything insensitive since I have never been in her position. I was out of town for her father's service and was unable to be there for her then. I have purchased a card and flowers that I intend to give her, but what else can I do to be there and support her as a friend? Is there anything I should avoid doing or saying? -- Helping Friend

DEAR HELPING FRIEND: The best thing you can do is listen. When you bring her the card and flowers, tell her how sorry you are for her loss. Ask her how she is doing -- and listen to her answer. You can ask her about her father’s service and give her space to relive it by giving you a blow-by-blow of everything that happened. Say little as she goes through her memories. Be actively present by hearing all that she has to share with you, responding so she knows you are listening and just being there.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, I spent a weekend with friends my husband and I met on the beach a few years ago. We all really liked each other, so it felt natural to invite them to stay with us one weekend when a lot of mutual friends were gathering since they didn’t have a beach rental this year. It was great spending time with these new friends, but the husband smoked cigars constantly. He never smoked inside, but the smoke in the backyard wafted everywhere. I have asthma, and it really got to me. I didn’t realize how much smoke there was until I started coughing uncontrollably. It was not good.

I asked my friend not to smoke on the property because I couldn’t handle it. Next thing you know, they shortened their trip and left. I haven’t spoken to them since. I’m sorry if I came off as rude, but I couldn’t breathe. Is there something I should do or say to smooth things over? -- Smoke-Free

DEAR SMOKE-FREE: Since you genuinely like this couple and recognize that it was an unfortunate situation that led to mutual discomfort, reach out to them. Tell them that you enjoyed spending time with them and that you are sorry that it ended up awkward due to the cigar smoke and your asthma. Assure them that you didn’t realize you would have had such a violent reaction to the smoke. Add that you hope to see them sometime next summer.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who makes me feel left out whenever we spend time together. She constantly talks about the things she does with her other friends, the trips they’ve taken, the inside jokes they share and all the fun outings they’ve had without me. She’ll go into detail about how great those times were, and while I try to listen politely, it makes me feel sad and excluded. It feels like she has a lot more fun with them than she ever does with me, and I start to question whether she even values our friendship. I don’t know if she’s doing this on purpose or if she’s just oblivious to how her words make me feel. Part of me wants to bring it up, but I’m worried about sounding jealous or insecure. At the same time, it’s exhausting to hang out with someone who constantly reminds me of how much closer she seems to be with other people. How do I tell her that her behavior hurts me without ruining the friendship? If she doesn’t change, do I need to rethink whether this friendship is good for me? -- Not a Friend

DEAR NOT A FRIEND: By all means, speak up and tell this woman that you have had your fill of stories about her other friends. Suggest that you two create your own memories together or, if her interests do lie squarely with those other people, she should do both of you a favor and stick with them. It may sound harsh, but she needs some cold water in the face. You should not have to endure her going down memory lane about other people every time she sees you. Stop that now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)