DEAR NATALIE: My brother and I were totally traumatized by our abusive mother growing up. It really impacted us both differently. I have sought therapy and moved away from the city where we grew up. I don’t really talk to my mother often because when I do, it becomes heated really quickly, with both of us saying hurtful things. My brother, on the other hand, has stayed close to my mother and resents me for leaving. He even took her side on more than one occasion. It is astounding to me that after all the abuse we experienced as kids that he can be around her. It has really put a strain on our relationship, too. I love my brother so much and want to have him in my life, especially now that my husband and I are expecting our first child this spring. But how can I move forward if he won’t acknowledge what she did to us? -- WANTS HER BROTHER BACK

DEAR WANTS HER BROTHER BACK: A teacher of mine in graduate school said something interesting about abuse in families: Even with an abusive parent, children may have different memories of their experiences. You may remember the abuse, but he may not have perceived it or internalized her behaviors in the same way. You’re different people with different experiences, even when exposed to the same person. This could partly be why your brother doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you. You dealt with your trauma head-on, seeking therapy and taking the necessary steps to mitigate the toxic relationship you had with your mother. Your brother, on the other hand, has run toward her, not away. There’s a wedge now between you and your brother because of how you both choose to relate to her as adults. The best thing you can do is to recognize these differences and try to move beyond them so you can spend meaningful time with your brother. You may want to have a heart-to-heart with him and say, “Look, I know we remember our childhoods differently. You know how I feel about mom, but I would love to have you back in my life more. With the baby on the way, I want you around your niece or nephew and be part of our lives. Can we make a pact not to let mom come between us?” See what he says. You aren’t being defensive — you are approaching him with love. He may be caught off guard and share some of the emotional baggage that he may be carrying around. If he does, listen with an open heart and mind, validate his feelings and remind him that you are always there for him. It could be just the thing to open the floodgates and create a more meaningful connection.

DEAR NATALIE:  My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and I recently moved in with him. He is a good person, overall, but there is one major issue that concerns me: He sometimes doesn’t come home when he says he is going to and has stumbled into our place at 5 or 6 a.m. I can always smell beer on him, like he’s been out drinking all night. I’ve even had to wake him up so he wouldn’t miss work, which really stresses me out. I am not much of a drinker, and when we go out, I usually drive or we take an Uber. But I am also not a babysitter. I really love him and don’t want us to fall apart because of this, but whenever I bring it up, he calls me names and tells me to stop “harassing” him. He becomes so defensive I don’t know how to talk to him about it. Any suggestions? -- NOT HIS DRINKING BUDDY

DEAR NOT HIS DRINKING BUDDY: He’s becoming defensive and deflecting his behavior because deep-down, whether he is conscious of it or not, he knows his behavior is hurting your relationship. This drinking is clearly becoming a problem. The fact that he is coming home late, that you have had to wake him up so he wouldn’t miss work, and that he lies to you about when he is coming home is all problematic. If he has a dependency on alcohol, and it sounds as though he might, this issue isn’t just going away. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and set boundaries. I also want you to view the word “love” as a verb. His actions are not loving when he berates you. You don’t have to accept that behavior. The next time you challenge him on how much he is drinking and he verbally accosts you, I would say this: “It’s hurts me and our relationship when you belittle me every time I try to address something out of concern and love. If you don’t work on yourself, I don’t know how we can move forward in our relationship. I love you, but I won’t allow anyone to verbally abuse me. I am here to support you, but I also deserve respect.” Relationships can survive substance abuse if everyone involved is willing to do their part. But if he isn’t yet willing to acknowledge that his drinking hurts your relationship, you may have to reevaluate. Remember, if he is indeed dealing with substance abuse issues, that addiction is a disease and everyone experiencing addiction need compassion. But you’re right — you aren’t his babysitter. Things most likely won’t get better on their own unless he gets help. At the very least, I would seek counseling for yourself so you can deal with the situation constructively. Don’t stay with anyone just because you love them. Love isn’t enough. You need mutual trust and respect, too.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Know your crowd. Different networking or philanthropic events draw different audiences, so keep that in mind as you navigate the scene and chat with people. You want to meet people where they are, share your story and, most importantly, ask open-ended questions so they will share theirs.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have a really good relationship. But recently, he has been really weird about his phone. Every time I come around, he grabs it and pretends like he was looking at something important. It’s starting to make me paranoid. Then, when he was in the shower, I took his phone to look on it (I know, that’s bad, but I was really suspicious) and he changed his password. We always had each other’s passwords so now I don’t know what to do. Do you think he’s cheating on me? -- PHONE ALERT

DEAR PHONE ALERT: This must be a relatively new behavior since it has taken you by surprise. You could play this two ways. You could come out directly and just ask him what is going on. You could say something like, “I know this is going to sound weird, but you’ve been really possessive about your phone lately. I am not trying to jump to conclusions, but I am wondering why?” Or you could take a slightly “sneakier” approach and say something like, “I forgot your password to your phone, what is it again?” If he gets defensive, especially when he hadn’t been defensive about it in the past, a red flag would go up for me. But, if he says something like, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, work (or something) has been crazy lately and I’ve been dealing with a lot on my plate…,” then maybe it’s nothing. At the end of the day, follow your instincts but remain calm until you have enough information to know what’s best to do for you.

DEAR NATALIE:  I witnessed my sister, Clara, being really hard on her daughter, Olive, recently over food. My niece is on the “chubby” side, but who cares? She’s a sweet, healthy and smart 11-year-old kid. She went to have a few Christmas cookies at my house and my sister told her she needed to “quit indulging.” My niece looked really sad and put them back, but later I saw her sneak a few upstairs. I didn’t say anything but it has really been bothering me. I don’t know if my sister is honestly aware that she body-shamed her daughter. My sister is really beautiful and very particular about her appearance. She’s very disciplined about food and cooks really healthy meals for her family. What’s the harm in a few cookies? Should I say anything? I just don’t want my niece to grow up equating her worth to her waist size like so many of us do. -- NOT SO SWEET

DEAR NOT SO SWEET: Eleven-year-olds shouldn’t be fat shamed. Period. Ever. End of conversation. Your sister did so unknowingly because I am sure she has internalized her own issues of food and need for perfection in her mind. Restricting what/how much her daughter can and cannot eat, may lead to the behavior that you witnessed, which is sneaking food. This could turn into disordered eating and possibly bigger issues as she gets older. Your niece is approaching puberty. It’s a time where many young people feel awkward, emotionally fragile, confused, uncomfortable in their bodies, and insecure. I truly believe every parent is doing the best they can with what they have. Your sister probably thinks she is being helpful to her daughter. Maybe say something like, “Hey, I noticed the other day that Olive went for a few of those awesome cookies and you told her to stop indulging. I’m just concerned that phrases like that may make her feel weird about eating in front of you. I know you love her more than anything, but I’ve been doing some reading and thought I would share some of the new ways to approach things like this for the future because I know you would never want Olive to feel badly about her body or herself …” There is a lot of helpful literature out there on this topic and I suggest you do a little reading before you approach your sister. Hopefully, once she realizes that her words really matter, she may think twice before shaming cookies out of her daughter’s hands again.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Even if you are nervous about going to a networking event, try to arrive on time or even early. There will be fewer people to contend with, which means making connections will be easier.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are making new year resolutions for 2020. He told me at the top of my list I should “work on losing weight.” I became really upset. I do have some weight to lose, but the fact that he pointed it out to me hurt my feelings and made me feel unattractive. We ended up in a huge fight and we aren’t speaking. He doesn’t think that he said anything wrong because I complain to him all the time about my weight. I think he owes me a sincere apology. What do you think?  -- STILL WAITING

DEAR STILL WAITING: Yikes, you better tell him that in 2020 you hope his resolution is to work on being a nicer husband. The idea that he would say such a hurtful thing to you makes me wonder what else he says or does to you. Regardless of whether you want to lose weight, a partner is supposed to be someone you can count on to support and uplift you. There is nothing supportive or uplifting about telling someone that they need to lose weight. Instead of criticizing you, he could have offered to eat healthier with you in 2020 or take an exercise class together. Working out and eating right is always easier when you have someone else along for the journey. What you need is support and love. If he can’t provide that for you in 2020, maybe your resolution should be finding someone who will. Let’s leave emotionally abusive partners behind us as we enter a new decade. If he can’t get on board with that, what are you holding on to him for?

DEAR NATALIE: My son, who has always treated me with respect in the past, suddenly blew up at me after taking me on a few errands. He yelled at me and used foul language. I am still in shock. I think something was bothering him earlier in the day and he took it out on me. He has since apologized (it didn’t sound sincere) and wants to move on. I can forgive, but I am having a hard time forgetting. Any advice as to how I can move forward?  -- UPSET MOTHER

DEAR UPSET MOTHER: I certainly don’t blame you for being hurt. It isn’t right for him to take out his feelings on you. If he was upset about something, he either should have talked to you about it or discussed it with a friend or partner. Please recognize that having a bad day is not an excuse to verbally attack you. His half-hearted apology only made things worse because he seemed to feel obligated to apologize. He didn’t recognize his behavior was inappropriate and completely uncalled for. The sad thing is, when you rely on someone for help, they can sometimes take advantage of that dynamic and act out. It may seem a little scary to ask him for another apology since the power scale is a bit tipped in his direction. In any case, if this was an isolated incident and doesn’t happen again, try to put it behind you and move forward. However, if he acts out again, you may need to say something. As long as you don’t feel in physical danger, it is important that you set boundaries with anyone in your life, including your children. He doesn’t have the right to mistreat you. We all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, no matter our age.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Need a few conversation starters that don’t involve “What do you do for a living?” Try these: “What brought you to this event?” “What do you think about the event?” “How do you know (insert person’s name here)”? These open-ended questions may get the person to start talking about themselves and kick off a conversation.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)