DEAR NATALIE: I find myself needing some advice about an issue with someone who's been a friend of mine for 20 years. About two months ago, a friend called me to share a major issue happening in their life. My friend said people had been harassing them. They kept this in for about a year before sharing it with anyone — and the first person they chose to tell the full story to was me. I was incredibly ill-prepared for the news they shared and asked what I could do, encouraged them to file a police report, to seek a therapist, etc. I should note that my friend lives quite literally across the country from me (coast to coast). We used to try to see each other once a year, but life happens. We would try to have a phone call at least a few times a year. But, as is the case with a lot of friends, we use texting and social media to keep in touch. I'd consider us close but not “BFF”-type friends. We pick up like no time has gone by when we see each other but certainly have large gaps in communication. We have almost no strong mutual friends anymore. There was little for me to do in the moment of that phone call and my friend didn't seem to want to do anything I offered, but I did what I thought was my best to be empathetic, listen, and to encourage them to seek help. My friend told me I was the only person who now knew the full story. I felt awful that I couldn't do more, but I did not know what to do. And, at the same time, I had been dealing with a few major life changes and was at capacity for trying to handle this news — especially being so far away. I did not check in nearly enough as I think I should have in the two months as I had to focus on my life changes. But those check-ins seemed to be pointless. On my last check-in (a text asking how they were doing), I received a very short message saying they no longer wanted to talk with me and that they did not consider me a friend anymore. I replied saying that I was sad to hear that, that I care for them and that I will respect their decision. After that message, I found I was unfriended on Facebook and other social media apps. I'm sad at their response, and I am worried they are in worse shape than even I can understand. I also feel guilty for not doing more despite not knowing what to do. Am I in the wrong for not doing more? What should I do now? –SAD ABOUT FRIENDSHIP
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DEAR SAD ABOUT FRIENDSHIP: I’m sorry to hear that your friend is going through something so troubling and traumatizing. I’m also sorry to hear that they have put up a wall between you and them. I wonder what it is thy wanted from you or what they needed that you didn’t give them? You live far away, and couldn’t do much else but just listen to them on the phone and provide whatever emotional support you could give them. While they may not have felt that you reached out enough, I hesitate to say this blame is entirely on you. We can’t be mind readers, even with our very closest friends – let alone ones that we see a few times a year. If they were feeling disconnected, it would have been better for them to share that so that you would have understood what the expectation was and could have adjusted accordingly. It’s sad that they have decided to cut you out of their life over this. They must feel very vulnerable and wounded right now and you were the safest person to take that frustration out on. If I were you, I would wait six months and then send them a card in the mail. Yes, the snail mail. Handwrite a note. They may feel differently in time and possibly open to reconnecting. If they don't respond, you accept it and move on. If they do reach out, remember what a hard space they were in mentally when they blocked you. They may not have been able to deal with all of the stress and needed space. Whatever the case, don’t beat yourself up about this. It can be hard when friends walk out – but you never did. Recognize that and take good care.
DEAR NATALIE: I’m a musician that has toured locally for a couple of years and am signed to a small label. I am able to do freelance songwriting and music lessons to help pay the bills, and I’m really serious about taking my music career seriously. But the competition feels so harsh these days. I know that having an online presence is incredibly important and helps many people take it to the next level, but I want to be a musician – not a media personality or “pop star.” It feels like my creative energy is drained by the time I spend posting on social media. How can I live in my truth as an artist, and not be totally left behind by the fact that I’d sort of prefer to be a luddite? - NOT A LUDDITE (YET)
DEAR NOT A LUDDITE (YET): As someone who also works as a digital media strategy consultant, I have to tell you – you've gotta be on TikTok and Instagram. You are correct that having a presence is important, but it isn’t about gaining a million followers. It is about building a community. Translating viewers into people who will stream your music, buy your EP and come to your shows. Share with them why you love music. You don’t have to post every day. Pick two or three days a week and just record yourself rehearsing, practicing a new song, or playing a cover of a favorite artist. I recognize that social media is like a heavy weight on all of us and can be incredibly mentally draining. But try looking at it dispassionately — as a free marketing tool to make yourself visible. Creating space for conversation around your work can be incredibly beneficial to you in the long run. Set boundaries to protect your mental health and hold to them, but wiggle a little bit away from luddite and become more like a ludd-lite. Your future fans are waiting.
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