DEAR NATALIE: My brother and I lost both our parents over the last few years. We are in our early 40s and have not had a great relationship for most of our adult lives. He lived with my parents for most of his 20s and 30s and I felt he mooched off of them. He is now married to a very odd woman who I don’t have much in common with. We only get together for holidays and birthdays, but since both of our parents are now dead, we didn’t even get together this Christmas. My kids love his kids and so they were upset we didn’t see them over the holidays. I tried to explain to them that Uncle Chris was just busy, but that didn’t seem to appease them. My worry is now that my kids will want to be together for Chris’s birthday – which is coming up. I have no desire to be around him. He was always very verbally abusive to me and my parents growing up. My husband says that we should just cut them off, but I feel bad doing that to my children. I don’t know exactly how to handle this and could use some advice. –SAD SIBLING

DEAR SAD SIBLING: Family dynamics are never easy. I am so sorry to hear about the death of your parents. That in and of itself can be not only traumatic but also transformative as it pertains to all of the relationships in your life. My guess is that while your parents were alive, you played the part of a dutiful daughter and sister. Now with them gone, you have this opportunity to define for yourself what your future relationship holds. You don’t owe your brother a relationship. But it is unfair to punish your kids and his kids, as well. They clearly still want to be connected to their family in this way. What about hosting events for just the children where you make it clear to your brother and his wife that you are okay with “taking the kids for the day” so that Chris and his wife can have a break and do their own thing? That way, you can still keep the family connection alive, but without having to engage much with your brother. As far as holidays are concerned, if your kids want to visit with their uncle and cousins, let them. You are allowed to acknowledge your own needs and set your own boundaries. If he asks you why you are not coming around, you can say something like, “I’m grateful that our kids have such a good relationship, but right now I need a break and I would like some space.” Maybe that will be enough of an answer for him to back off. In any case, you don’t owe him anything. You owe it to yourself, however, to find a place of peace. 

DEAR NATALIE: My supposed "best friend" found out that my husband was cheating on me for months. She didn’t tell me. Instead, she told all of our mutual friends. Everyone knew, and I was the last to find out. It was truly humiliating. No one wanted to tell me because they didn’t feel as though it was “their business.” When I confronted my supposed best friend about it, she said she was afraid to get in the middle of my marriage. I then asked her, why on earth would she talk about this behind my back then? She didn’t have an answer. She hasn’t truly apologized for this and doesn’t see why I am hurt by her. She told me I am “projecting” my anger about my marriage onto her and that I really should be mad at my husband. I am mad at him. We are in counseling and I truly don’t know if we will make it. Because we have two small children, I feel as though we have to at least try and salvage our marriage. He said he cheated because I “neglected him and spent too much time with our kids.” I have no idea how to get my life and my friendships back on track. I feel betrayed by all of them. What should I do to shake this feeling? –ULTIMATE BETRAYAL

DEAR ULTIMATE BETRAYAL: Who needs enemies with friends like these? The truth is, if none of your friends were willing to bring this up to you – then can you call any of them a real friend? If one of your friends had heard this from your so-called best friend and called you to tell you what she said – what would you have done? Would you have blamed the messenger? Called your best friend? Confronted your husband? Who knows, but you weren’t given that option. Instead, your friends left you hung out to dry and humiliated. I would clean house. If there is someone in the friend group you really want to make amends with, contact them. Let them know how hurt you were by their lack of action. Let them explain their reasoning. Either accept it and move forward or walk away. It may be a scary time, considering your marriage is in a delicate place, to also feel as though you don’t have anyone to lean on. So find at least one person in your circle that you can confide in and share what’s on your heart. If you can’t, find a good therapist. It isn’t okay what happened to you. It isn’t okay that everyone backstabbed you. But at the end of the day, you are allowed to forgive. But who you forgive, and how long it takes – that’s up to you. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: You are often open-minded in your approach to these questions so while I am nervous to write this, I hope that asking for help may help other people in a similar position. For the past couple of years I was dating a man who was really wonderful at first – we fell in love quickly but I missed a couple of major red flags. Some of my friends saw them, but you know how that goes. I just thought they didn’t understand me or him or our relationship. Long story short, over the course of our relationship, he got deeper and deeper into QAnon conspiracies and culture, and I followed him there. I didn’t agree with a lot of the things he said and did, but I never had the courage or desire to stand up to him. Some other things I did genuinely believe, but I think the brainwashing is starting to wear off. We have since broken up which has helped me find a lot of clarity. I know there are support groups for people like me, but what I’m really having a hard time with is the fact that I lost a lot of good friends because of my beliefs. Is there a way to get them back? –Q-ANO MORE

DEAR –Q-ANO MORE: Lead with an apology if you want any chance of gaining friends back. Don’t just send a text message that says “sorry,” either. You need to look them in the eye and share with them what you just bravely shared with me. Cults can be incredibly difficult to let go of or walk away from. There is a lot of pain and shame associated with what you went through. Before you decide to attempt to mend fences with others in your life, you first need to forgive yourself and heal. Get to the root of why you walked that path with your ex for so long. Find out what the causes were, so that you won’t repeat patterns of abuse. I recommend seeking a therapist who specializes in this area. I am proud of you for acknowledging where you are and where you want to be. You are taking back your power and that is a great thing. But, it may take time for your friends to trust you again. Be patient, tread lightly and lead with compassion both for others in your life and for yourself, as well. Good luck. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am polyamorous and bisexual. I’m currently not partnered, and dating a man who is married. He told me that his wife was totally fine with our relationship and that they were non-monogamous. I believed him. That was the first mistake. Recently, we were out together having lunch and she rushed into the space and started screaming horrible things at me. Apparently, she had hired a private detective who was following me. I didn’t even know! It turned into this whole thing and now she is divorcing him. He won’t stop calling me. He wants to be with me and I want nothing to do with him. I would have never engaged in this relationship had I known. I’m also now afraid to date anyone in a relationship for fear that they are lying to me. What can I do in the future to make sure this doesn’t happen again? –JUST BE HONEST 

DEAR JUST BE HONEST: If you plan on dating someone who is in a marriage or long-term partnership, you may have to pump the brakes romantically until you meet their partner from now on. Communication in any relationship is key, but when more than one romantic partner is involved, it becomes even more important than ever that everyone is on the same page. I agree that you shouldn’t speak to your ex. The fact is, he lied to both you and his wife, which only means he will lie again. Why put yourself or any of his other potential partners through that? Perhaps date single people for a bit until you work out how you will approach someone else with multiple partners in the future. If you bring up meeting the partner and your love interest balks at that or makes up excuses as to why that can’t happen, take that as a sign that they aren’t being as honest as they want to appear. As a reminder, people are polyamorous because it is a relationship orientation that they genuinely commit to, and have ethics and values around – not so they can cheat on their partners, manipulate others, and remain uncommunicative. Not all others may be on this wavelength, but you can trust your own intentions. Protect yourself and keep your guard up until your potential partners prove that they are being honest and transparent with everyone involved, as they should be.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: One of my best friends lost her mother recently and she’s been having a very difficult time navigating her grief. She breaks down and cries whenever we are together and hasn’t been interested in doing anything fun. I hate to be “that person” but it is really hard to be around someone who is so depressed. I shared with her the names of a few therapists that I thought could help, and she was really insulted. She said to me, “I don’t need a therapist. I need a friend.” But I can’t be that friend every time we are together. It has been a few months and it’s just all she talks about. How do I help her without getting sucked into the negativity spiral? –SAD FRIEND SITUATION

DEAR SAD FRIEND SITUATION: People have to come to terms with how they process their grief in their own way. Currently, she may be too close to the situation for therapy to be of use to her. In a year, she may feel differently. In the meantime, she does need a friend. But maybe navigating grief isn’t your strength. You may ask yourself what makes a good friend. Is it someone who is there through the hard times? Is it someone who can shed new perspective and be a voice for reason or support when needed? A good listener? All of these things are so important to have when someone is in the throes of grief. Find ways to help her navigate these waters and also set boundaries so that you don’t feel overwhelmed yourself. As hard as it is to be there for her right now, think of how hard it is to be her. Lean into that empathy and work on doing what you can. One day, she'll turn to you for fun again.

DEAR NATALIE: My partner moved in with me after we had been dating for a couple of months in stereotypical “U-Haul lesbian” fashion. We live together very well and our sex life is about the same as it was before sharing a living space. But it’s hard for me to feel like I get enough alone time – when I come home from work I need some time to decompress alone. While she totally gets that and is willing to give me space, our one bedroom apartment can only do so much. And honestly, sometimes I do want to sleep in a bed by myself. We both think that having separate space is important. Having separate rooms in the same apartment is a goal we’re working towards, but moving into a two bedroom apartment isn’t in the budget right now. How can we share space more graciously until our financial situation changes? –NEED TO STRETCH OUT

DEAR NEED TO STRETCH OUT: What I love about this is how honest and transparent you both are with your communication around this topic. Instead of letting something like this fester and build resentment, you are just sharing what your needs are and working towards a resolution. While you may not be able to have all the space you need or want right now, there are solutions here. For instance, do either of you have family near by? Is there a way that once a month she can spend a night with her family and then you can have the apartment to yourself? And then vice versa? Or, can you plan quarterly stay-cations and get a hotel room with separate beds so you can stretch out? On a smaller daily level, is there a way to set up a schedule where you have time alone in the bed once a week, perhaps for a few hours so that you can nap or relax for a while alone? Small spaces can create challenges, but they can also be great tests to see how much you are willing to compromise and share, too. If you can survive, and even thrive together in the one bedroom, one bath, then that is very telling for the future of your relationship. Work on a schedule as a couple, find alone time when you can, but relish in your togetherness, too. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci

Check out her weekly shows

“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

Instagram: @NatalieBencivenga