DEAR NATALIE: I share a dog with my ex-fiancee. She only wants to spend time with the dog when it is convenient and cute for her – and she doesn’t actually share the responsibilities. We’ve been split up for about a year and a half. Sometimes, in the beginning, we would hang out with the dog together, but then she told me she didn’t want to be a part of the dog’s life because she didn’t want to see me. Then, she moved away and we didn’t discuss the fact that I would be taking care of her entirely on my own. This was a problem in our relationship, where I felt she didn’t help me with the dog or other responsibilities of our life. Now, she’s back in town and occasionally wants to walk the dog, but she’s unreliable and inconsistent. How can I deal with an ex’s flaws that were issues in our relationship that are part of why I stopped being in the relationship, but now I still have to deal with them in a different capacity because of the dog as our shared responsibility?

– DOGGY ISSUES 

DEAR DOGGY ISSUES: Is the dog a shared responsibility, though? It sounds as though you’ve done most of the heavy lifting – and I’m guessing you did in your relationship, too. If she can’t stick to a schedule that you both can live with, why are you still pretending like you share this dog? It sounds as though this is your dog that she occasionally visits. I would ask yourself if you are putting up with this nonsense from her because you still want to see her – which could be hindering you from moving on – or if you are repeating old, unhealthy cycles. You need to communicate with her what you need if you are going to continue with this arrangement. Either she consistently gets on a schedule that you can both live with and adhere to, or you are going to claim full ownership of the dog and she can visit if and when it is convenient for you. There needs to be a conversation, rules in place, and an understanding of where you both are in your lives. In fact, you may be doing her a favor. She may not even care about this as much as she lets on. Put it all on the table and see where the chips fall. There’s a reason you aren’t together, and maybe the dog is the final tether. It could be time to cut her loose – the ex, not the dog.

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have been separated for a few months, and I’ve decided I am ready for a divorce. We have two beautiful children together, and I don’t think he is fit to care for them. I’m aware that I may be about to enter a legal nightmare — his parents think we should stay together for the kids, but I know they are not seeing the situation for what it really is. I cannot stand to be around his anger and unhealed issues that he refuses to work on. I’m afraid to even talk with him outside of our therapy sessions – and he has threatened to stop going to those. I don’t need or want his parents' approval, but I do feel there’s a level of strategy I have to use so that they don’t continue to only see his twisted version of things. They are in a better financial place than I am and I don’t want them to leverage that against me in court. How should I approach telling him, and them, that I need to separate for good? – SEPARATION ANXIETY 

DEAR SEPARATION ANXIETY: I can’t imagine that this will be a shock to them or your estranged husband since you are already separated. The fact that he isn’t engaging with therapy makes me believe that the relationship is at a standstill on his end. Considering you also feel intimidated or even threatened by him, what is left to work on? Instead, it may be time to use therapy to come to a resolution that works for you both as you finalize a divorce. Call your therapist and let them know where you stand emotionally. They may be able to help you bring this up to him during a session. If he won’t attend any further sessions, you may want to work through this on your own so that you can either discuss it with him over the phone with your therapist present or in a public space with support nearby. As far as his parents are concerned, they are most likely going to take his side and paint you as the problem. They may have blinders on since this is their son. You most likely can’t do much about that, so I wouldn’t fixate on how to appease them. Do what you need to do so that you can look in the mirror and sleep through the night. Staying together for the kids is an antiquated idea. Your children shouldn’t be subjected to an unhealthy home where mom and dad are constantly at war. Yes, divorce is hard, but watching their mother being abused will only lead to more issues for them to work through as they grow up. Instead, seeing their parents thrive in separate spaces shows them that boundaries and self-care are important in order to have a strong foundation for a healthy life. If their father can’t accept that, do what you need to do to protect yourself while you work through the divorce. Who are your natural supporters? Lean on your family and close friends right now. Reach out to an attorney on your own for counsel so that you make decisions that benefit you and your children while also being fair to your husband. Divorce isn’t ideal, but staying together and remaining miserable is not the answer that will bring anyone peace. You deserve to be content in your life. You deserve to find joy and happiness. This isn’t selfish. Follow your gut on this one. 

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DEAR NATALIE: I’m struggling with all of the displays of supposed support for the queer community during Pride month that always goes away on July 1. I feel frustrated about the ways that corporations try to sell our identities back to us. At the same time, I understand there is progress happening here. But the commercials romanticizing (or just tokenizing) queer communities happening at the same time that we are being stripped of our rights doesn’t add up. I have a queer friend who works in marketing for a mid-sized corporation and they’re struggling with how to communicate about the fact that they’d like for there to be more inclusion that includes consideration for queer people in their marketing materials, not just because it’s the month of June. How can I put my feelings into action, and what can my friend do? – PRIDE IS ALL YEAR LONG

DEAR PRIDE IS ALL YEAR LONG: It is difficult to feel hopeful while seeing all of the legislation being passed at both state and federal levels that are stripping away human rights. But, it is in these moments of despair that we have to dig deep, remember our collective humanity and recognize that there are so many people standing up for tolerance, love and respect. Start local. Search online for some locally-based organizations that are doing good work in the LGBTQ+ communities and activate yourself to become more intentionally involved in these spaces. Remind your friend that while they may not be able to have the level of impact that they would like to have in the workplace, we can’t change anything if we don’t speak about it first. Continue to encourage them to make their feelings known and see if that helps to move the needle – even if it’s one millimeter at a time. In their spare time, they could join forces with you to make a difference outside of the office. We each on our own can't do everything. But, we can all do something that brings about a more equitable world. 

DEAR NATALIE: My sister recently lost her husband and her teenage daughter (my niece) has been very vocal to me, voicing concern about her mother’s mental health. My niece is also reeling from her father’s unexpected death and I am trying to be of support to them both. She told me that she is worried about my sister talking about harming herself. That she “can’t get out of bed in the morning” and “is talking about really scary things.” My niece doesn’t know what to do. I’m not very close to my sister, which makes this more complicated, as we are ten years apart in age. How do I approach this in a way that doesn’t feel as though I’m meddling? I don’t want her to suffer and I want to be there for my niece, too, who shouldn’t have to navigate this. Any advice? – SCARED SISTER 

DEAR SCARED SISTER: Grief is a wild ride for so many people and so many suffer alone. Our society does not offer much support or space for the ongoing process that grief is. I would continue to communicate with your niece since she is reaching out. She may need you to lean on, as well, as this is so much to process. Not only did she lose her father, but her mother’s instability would make anyone anxious. If your niece knows who her mother's closest friends are, it might be a good idea for you to reach out to her natural support system to see if they know what is happening. Do you have family that you can reach out to, as well? If either of your parents are alive, and if she has a good relationship with them, they could also be of support at this time. If she is talking about harming herself, finding professional support for her would be ideal in this situation. Perhaps connect to your own PCP to inquire as to resources for your sister. Then, the next time you visit or call her, gently mention that your niece reached out with love and concern. Remind her that you love her and that you are here for her. Even though there is a bit of emotional distance between you, that doesn’t mean you can’t work towards a stronger relationship. Acknowledge her feelings. Don’t try to “fix” it or tell her things will get better. Just be in the present with her. Remind her that help is available and she has so many reasons to live – including being there for her daughter. This is not going to be an easy path forward. There may be setbacks along the way. But having a family member to lean on is crucial right now. I hope you are up for the task in whatever way you can be, and that you can help create a safe place for her. Take care of yourself, as it can be a heavy weight to carry. Good luck to you all.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: A new co-worker I’m getting to know was kind enough to invite me to her baby shower, as we are all so excited. My only issue is the gift I ordered. I went on her registry and ordered several of the books from the list. Okay, I ordered all of the books from the list. And now I’m freaking out because they should come from meaningful relatives who sign them and then the baby relishes them forever. Right? What should I do? –DID I DO A FAUX PAS?

DEAR DID I DO A FAUX PAS: I love that you were so excited that you bought all the books! Over the years, I’ve done the same thing, and had the family sign the books at the shower to make it extra special. What you can do is leave the books unwrapped, set them out at the shower, and encourage everyone in attendance to write a sweet note inside the cover of one or all of them. Of course, first ask the mom-to-be if this is OK with her. Passing the books around and letting people write personal messages inside the books can make everyone feel connected, inspired and joyful. People start talking about their messages with each other and it can be a great bonding opportunity. Embrace this moment and let it be infused with all the love and goodness – and excitement! – that you felt when buying the books. Then, as the baby grows and eventually sees and reads the messages on their own – how very loved and special they will feel! 

DEAR NATALIE: I’m a middle school teacher seeking hope and solidarity as we all navigate this scary world. This week I was locked out of a classroom that I was trying to enter to help a student prepare for an upcoming test. The security guard told me I could not get in because the classroom was in the middle of an active shooter drill. The school did not notify me of the drill, and they were unable to provide any other option for where I could go with the student. When I sent an email to the administration, they told me they did not plan on informing me when the drills or other “gun violence preparedness” plans were happening. This is unbelievably saddening, but also stressful and scary. The way these students are constantly having both their education and their emotional states damaged because of lack of gun control is infuriating. I feel so small and confused about how I can use my role as a teacher for good, both in my ecosystem of the school and at large. What would you do, if you were in my position? –WE NEED GUN CONTROL NOW

DEAR WE NEED GUN CONTROL NOW: What kind of world are we creating for our children? It’s maddening on every level. The first thing I would do is inquire with the administration about what their plan is for teachers and students who are locked out of classrooms during a drill. Where were you supposed to report to? Shouldn’t there be a plan for those who aren’t in a classroom at the time? What if your student is in the bathroom or in a different part of the building? What are they to do? A drill is theoretically supposed to prepare you for the worst-case scenario. They can’t only prepare students who are just in a classroom. What’s the plan? I would bring this to their attention and see what they say. In your own classroom, are you allowed to speak about this issue? It seems valuable to ask the kids how they are handling this, and provide a space to talk about their emotions around this. Creating an opportunity for them to share their perspective may be helpful for all of you in how you cope moving forward. The act of the drill is traumatizing in and of itself. No child or adult in a school setting should ever feel unsafe. Outside of school, there are plenty of organizations focused on gun control and legislation. If you want to be a part of something more organized, I suggest looking up community action groups like https://marchforourlives.com/ or https://www.everytown.org/ because the reality is, as long as we sit on the sidelines, we can’t change the game. Good luck to you and your students. May we build them a better world.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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