DEAR NATALIE: I just started working at a new job at a publishing company. I enjoy the role, and my coworkers are pleasant to get along with – but they’re all obsessed with work. When I’ve gone out with them, all they do is talk about work – which I know makes sense to some extent – but it’s as if they have nothing else going on in their lives. I believe that a work life balance is important, and I insist on having interests that fuel me in ways that aren’t financial. I don’t want to feel like my job needs to become my whole universe just because I work with people that feel that way. How can I maintain my own boundaries, and maybe, even further, show them that the grass may be greener when they find ways to spend their time that aren’t centered around work? –WORK TO LIVE(NOT LIVE TO WORK)

DEAR –WORK TO LIVE(NOT LIVE TO WORK): Hear me out. You don’t have to be friends with the people you work with outside of work. I appreciate that you spend a lot of time with these people and it is important to cultivate a level of respect and friendliness so that your work environment is as pleasant as possible. If you want to have balance in your own life, however, finding some friends and interests outside of your job is imperative for your own mental health. If you can encourage one or two friends from work to join a yoga class, a book club, or a wine tasting night… that’s great. But trying to be the person who takes it upon themselves to be the work savior? Why do that to yourself? You can live your life with a range of interests and they'll find out what that's like for themselves... or not.

DEAR NATALIE: My husband of six years recently said to me that he would like to be in an open relationship. I came to find out – after much begging – that he is already having another relationship on this side with a co-worker. He’s been seeing her for several weeks. She’s “poly” and totally aware that he was in a monogamous relationship. He seems to be adopting this “new view” on marriage and relationships. (Might I add that he is approaching his 40th birthday and I think is having a bit of a crisis). I told him I am not okay with any of this and that we aren’t in an open relationship – he’s just having an affair. I’ve been with him almost 20 years and while we’ve had our ups and downs, I never considered he would cheat on me. So, I called the woman who he works with and basically told her to back off while we sort out our marriage. She said I needed to “let go of control,” and “experience love in new ways.” She then invited me to be in a throuple with him. You can imagine that didn’t go over well. I’m at an impasse. He thinks we need therapy to “reimagine our marriage” but I think what we need is time together to work through this. Neither of us want a divorce, so should I look the other way while he works through this mid-life crisis? But can we bounce back? –NO THROUPLE HERE

DEAR NO THROUPLE HERE: It sounds to me as though you are both having two very different experiences around the state of your marriage. He clearly doesn’t want to be monogamous and you do. Many couples go through infidelity and survive. But, there has to be a clear desire on both parties to work on their relationship in a way that benefits them both. Can you feel loved and supported if he is dating someone else? If that doesn’t work for you – and no one would blame you if it didn’t – then what are the options? You could let this ride and see if the flame fizzles between him and this other woman. You could decide to play the game, too, and put yourself out there to meet someone. However, I don’t get the feeling that you have interest in doing that. If he won’t go to therapy, you should. If for no other reason, to work through the feelings of this so that you can process your emotions and explore your next steps. Yes, divorce can be an option. If you don’t feel respected and valued in your marriage, why stay? If only one of you is fighting for your marriage, then how can you make it work? Perhaps he will wake up when he realizes that he could lose you and everything that you have built over the past two decades. Maybe you need to take a vacation together and remember what made you two fall in love. If you’re too angry or disgusted with him, however, put a pause on that until you decide how you want to exist in this dynamic. You can reclaim power by focusing on how you want to live and be. You took vows in front of others that focused on honoring one another. If he isn’t doing that, then what are you doing with him?

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DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have very different sex drives. He could have sex every day if he could, but I’m definitely more of a once-a-weekish kind of guy. Recently, we got into (yet another) discussion about our mismatched sex drives and he came up with an interesting idea. He thinks he should get a boyfriend. At first, I was taken aback by this suggestion. But now, I’m wondering if it’s a solution to our problem. We've been married for almost 25 years. He’s a wonderful man and we raised two beautiful children together. I love him. I don’t want to divorce and neither does he. But we’ve been monogamous for our entire marriage. Do you think this is a good idea, or would it open the door to more issues and more reasons for therapy? –CONSCIOUSLY STAYING COUPLED

DEAR –CONSCIOUSLY STAYING COUPLED: I guess the question isn’t so much whether or not this is a “good” idea, but whether or not you feel as though this is the solution. What happens if the boyfriend wants more than sex? What happens if your husband forms a deep emotional bond with this other person? Are you ready for those kinds of conversations? I am not against the idea of an open marriage, but significant boundaries have to be put into place, along with conversations surrounding sexual safety and mutual respect. Your husband also needs to be very transparent with whomever he decides to engage with so that they understand the casual nature of this relationship and do not expect things to progress emotionally or otherwise, unless you're really ready to change the nature of your relationship. Both of you should have the opportunity to share at any point if you aren’t comfortable with this new relationship and pull the plug on it. If you are already going to therapy as a couple, I suggest you continue as new feelings and challenges may arise. I do applaud you for being willing to try and give him what he needs, but don’t lose yourself in this situation, either. You are his husband and should be treated as the number one priority on his list. 

DEAR NATALIE: I found out that I was pregnant after the condom broke during a one-night stand recently. I had an abortion – lucky to live in a state where that is still legal – as I have no interest in motherhood at this stage of my life. I didn’t tell the guy I slept with because we weren’t in a relationship and he wasn’t someone that I wanted to pursue anything with. Well, my bestie told me I was wrong for not telling him and then she encouraged me to DM him on Instagram and tell him that we needed to talk. So, he and I met for coffee and I shared with him what happened. He was totally relieved and thanked me for reaching out and offered to pay for the abortion. I appreciated that and said we could split what the bill was and that he could Venmo me. That was two weeks ago. He hasn’t responded at all and I feel really awkward reaching out to him about it. Should I just let it go? My friend thinks I should definitely follow up with him but this is so weird. I want to put it all behind me. Is that wrong? I don’t want to keep talking to him, or drag things out about this. What should I do? –AWKWARD VENMO-MENT

DEAR AWKWARD VENMO-MENT: You need to do what feels best for you. If you are over this whole situation and don’t want to keep rehashing it or reconnecting with this guy that you don’t have any interest in, just move on. While it was the right thing for him to do to offer to help pay for the procedure – after all, it wasn’t an immaculate conception – I understand why you want to just put this to rest. If you do want to nudge him one more time, there is a Venmo feature that allows you to send a reminder, so you don’t have to actually communicate directly with him. But, otherwise, I agree with letting it go so that you can move forward. It sounds as though you were firm in your decision but if any emotions arise, it is okay to sit with them, too. It’s also okay to reach out for support if you need it at any point. Life is funny and certain things can trigger us in ways we don’t expect. Be well and take good care of yourself.

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DEAR NATALIE: My partner of seven years has a bad habit of making fun of me in front of my family and friends. They like to put me down and “joke” about how I can’t sing (I know, so random) or can’t boil water – or how I even fold the laundry wrong. The truth is, I’m not domestic and not talented in those ways like they are, but I have a lot of other things I bring to the table. When we are alone, they treat me really well. This is why it is hurtful and confusing. It’s like when I say something to them in private about it after the fact, they act like I am totally overreacting and that it is “no big deal.” I don’t want to get resentful but I am starting to feel unloved and unwanted, which is making me less interested in them sexually, too. We haven’t had sex in a few months and I know it’s partly because of how they treat me.  I can’t get excited when someone is being mean. When they ask me to have sex, I make up an excuse because I’m embarrassed to tell them yet again why I am uninterested. Any ideas on how to make this work? I do love them and want to get this relationship back on track. –JUST BE NICE

DEAR JUST BE NICE: Instead of waiting until after the fact to tell them how you feel, try doing it in the moment. The next time they try to embarrass you in front of someone else, call them out right then and there. I don’t like bullies and this sounds a lot like bullying and gaslighting to me. Your partner should treat you with respect, love and kindness whether you are alone or in public. It shouldn’t matter. And if they ask to have sex, say something like, “Treating me with love and respect is what turns me on. And the way you treat me around our friends is a total turn-off. Show me you are working on yourself and then we can be together. Otherwise, I can’t get beyond the rude remarks you have made to me.” If they say you are overreacting, push back. There is no room for disrespectful treatment. You have told them it bothers you. If they can’t get it together, reevaluate who they are and if this relationship is worth it.   

DEAR NATALIE: My mom and sister have a horrible relationship – they are both very “conflict avoidant” so there are years of things broiling up under the surface of our family dynamic that no one talks about. (I learned that term in therapy). A lot of the interactions between them are very charged and tense, although seemingly insignificant. I feel like I’m in the middle because I have positive relationships with both of them – I see both of their sides. However, I also see the ways in which they’re causing the problem with their behavior. Neither of them are receptive to me sharing with them what I think they could be doing differently, neither of them will go to therapy. I genuinely want to be there for both of them and I want them to feel heard, but I want to be careful about taking sides. I don’t know how to take sides. I wish they could deal with it but I know I can’t make them do that. Every time we’re all together, I worry about how it will go and it’s stressful. Our dad died years ago so it is just the three of us. I know deep down they love each other, but how can I get us to a better place? We are all we have.

–SAD SIS

DEAR SAD SIS: You have to take a big step back. You are not going to care more about fixing this than they do. If they won’t go to therapy, if they aren’t receptive to what you say, and if they continue to dance like this, let them. It is not your job to fix this. In fact, I would make it clear that you are setting a boundary. While you love them both and will continue to spend time with them individually, if they can’t get it together or be kind to each other when the three of you are together, you won’t hang out with them at the same time. If this bothers them, too bad. You aren’t obligated to waste your emotional energy on this situation, either. If they want to complain to you and have no plan to improve the dynamic, I would shut down the conversation. Take control of this. You don’t have to put up with their nonsense and I would remind them that that's the case. They either get support from an outside individual or they whine about it to someone else.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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@NatalieBencivenga