DEAR NATALIE: One of my mom’s best friends is a prepper who is considering buying a large piece of property in a rural area with her husband. She’s a wonderful woman but I think she’s getting a little out of hand. I don’t think she has the skills she needs to become a homesteader this late in life, despite all of the research she’s done. I totally understand her fears, but I feel that she’s gone off the deep end a bit. Now, she’s trying to convince my mom to do the same thing – or at least to join her on the land. I’m worried that if either of them have a health issue, they’ll be too far away from a hospital or that they’ll be lonely. I feel like my mom is having a mid-life crisis and is considering it. How can I talk to her so that she can make a rational decision about this? –NOT PREPARED
DEAR NOT PREPARED: Sometimes the best thing you can do when people have an outlandish idea is let them work it out on their own. The likelihood of this happening is slim to none. Do I sound cynical? Chalk it up to experience. Most people don’t follow through with big plans. The reality of homesteading takes skills, money, resources, time and lots of preparation. Your mom’s friend may be feeling scared or uneasy by the state of the world – and who can blame her – so she is putting all of her thoughts and anxieties here in a fantasy land. Let her do that. Let her and your mom talk about what they would grow and how they would make this work. Maybe this will inspire them to start a small garden at home. In fact, why don’t you encourage them to do that so they can practice to see what it would be like to have to make that happen? Letting them “pretend” that they are homesteaders may be your best bet. Almost everyone you talk to is on edge these days. There’s a heatwave ripping through this country. The climate crisis is here. Our government is not prepared, and so people feel as though they have to come up with an idea on their own to save themselves and their families. But what we really need is systemic, collective change that benefits the many and not just the privileged few. A change that actually uses our tax dollars to rebuild infrastructure and think about innovative ways to improve our communities. Share with them some information on candidates who are running for office that support these changes or encourage them to join an environmental watchdog organization. In the meantime, have a private conversation with your mom about your concerns and also share alternative ways that she can become more independent. There are options out there. And she can always visit with her bestie if she does make this move. But I see this as more of a pipe dream than a reality.
DEAR NATALIE: My husband has been having some health issues as of late and it has very much impacted our sex life. The doctors are not sure if or when things could “get back to normal” for us. We have always been very active together and I am feeling incredibly depressed and frustrated since his diagnosis. He is so sweet to me and has said that if I want to (or need to) “take a lover” from time to time, he can look the other way. I don’t want to do this, but what if this medical issue drags on for months…or years? We are only in our 50s. I can’t imagine being celibate for the rest of my life. But the thought of being with another man does not excite me. How can we make this work? We will never divorce and certainly not because of this. So what do we do? –SAD SEX LIFE
DEAR SAD SEX LIFE: “In sickness and in health,” is one of the vows people take when they get married but when it becomes a reality, this can be the hardest one to commit to. I applaud you for standing by your partner in the tough times and for wanting to work through this issue that is impacting your relationship in a profound way. For some couples, sex isn’t a make-or-break event. For other couples, sex is front and center in the relationship. And everyone’s relationship to sex and their own sexuality is different. In your case, it is clear that sex is an important part of your dynamic and you want to keep that spark alive. This can be very challenging to do if one person is sick…especially chronically ill. So what can you do? There are so many ways to be intimate, so I recommend sitting together and asking one another what it is that makes you feel connected outside of the act itself? Are there other activities that he can engage in (or watch?) that could be fulfilling in the bedroom? Can you each make a list of things you’d like to try? If sex is just not on his mind at all these days, what does intimacy look like, otherwise? Is it holding hands while you watch a movie? Is it a long kiss before bed? Is it compliments to remind each other that you are both still desirable? And if the day comes where you realize that you do need sex and it doesn’t look as though he can meet you there, then what? What are the rules and boundaries if you step outside the marriage or expand your relationship? I would discuss this now in an honest and loving way. There is no “wrong” way to be in a marriage. I also would consider a sex therapist to help you navigate these tough times together so that you can stay on the same team. The important part is to talk even when it is difficult, and nurture the relationship you have in the moment. You are allowed to grieve for the past. But also celebrate what you do have right now. It may be more than you think.
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