DEAR NATALIE: My elderly dad recently had a bad fall and my brother – who also lives nearby – isn’t being helpful. He has the expectation that I will take care of our parents, while simultaneously pressuring me to get a higher paying job that he considers more serious than the line of work that I’m in now. He always says that he can’t help our parents because he has four kids and a wife. But I have two, and I am parenting without a partner. I feel he’s being totally hypocritical and misogynistic. How can I tell him that I need him to stop criticizing me, and that he needs to show up for our family more? – DOING THE BEST I CAN
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DEAR DOING THE BEST I CAN: There’s this weird shift that happens as we get older. Our parents start to rely on us more as many of us are in the middle of building careers, while at the same time raising children. It’s like a vice and can cause a lot of extra stress and anxiety for so many of us. Factor in the reality that women are often looked at as “natural” caretakers and there is this expectation of labor (emotional and otherwise) that often falls on our shoulders. And it isn’t fair or right. As for your line of work, I don’t understand why that is any of his business — especially if he isn’t “helping you out.” So what can you do? Your brother may feel as though he has the right to criticize your work while simultaneously bossing you around, but you can set a boundary with him. I would talk to him and your sister-in-law and get a plan in place. Don’t ask him to do his part. Say, “I can help with dad these two days of the week. Here’s where he needs support from you. On the other days, we should look into home healthcare and see what his insurance plan will cover.” Go from there. Setting a tone that forces him to recognize that you refuse to carry this burden all by yourself may be the wakeup call that he needs. It is not fair to have all of the weight on your shoulders, nor is it sustainable. We are all doing the best we can, but everyone has to pitch in when it comes to family.
DEAR NATALIE: Recently at a work event, I got into a discussion with my coworker’s wife. She expressed concern to me about my friendship with her husband and that it was “crossing a line.” I assured her that this wasn’t true. He talks about her all the time, and I only see him as a coworker and friend. I talked about this with him after, which I felt was the right thing to do. But now, he’s acting like it’s my fault that she said anything to me. I realize now that how he acts with me is different from how he speaks about me to his wife. We still have to work together, but I want to dissolve our friendship. His wife has reached out to me to apologize for bringing this all up, even though I don’t think she did anything wrong. What should I do next? – AWKWARD WORK WIFE
DEAR AWKWARD WORK WIFE: I would first tell his wife that an apology isn’t necessary and that you understand why she would want to set a boundary. After clearing the air there, I would turn to him and let him know that while you will continue to be professional and cordial, you no longer feel as though it is appropriate to be friends. His marriage should be his top priority and you have no interest in being in the middle of anything that could cause her harm. If he can’t deal with that, then he needs to explore why he is prioritizing a friendship with a colleague over his marriage. That’s a journey he has to walk alone and I don’t blame you for bowing out.
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