DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I recently decided to separate. We have not been getting along well the last several months. I thought during this time we would do some “soul searching,” go to couples’ therapy and take some time for ourselves. Well, I came to find out that he has started dating one of his co-workers. We didn’t explicitly state that we couldn’t date, but we’ve been together 20 years. I thought we could figure a way through this but now I guess he wants out? So I went to tell him I’m going to file for divorce and he was livid. He said he didn’t want that and wants me back. Then, I confronted him about the dates with this co-worker and how that hurt me. He said he was “lonely.” We were separated for one month. Absurd. He seems remorseful. Should I give this another chance? We were going through a rough patch but I never thought he would cheat on me. – END OF THE ROAD
DEAR END OF THE ROAD: Since I don’t know what the issues in your marriage are, you have to ask yourself this question: If you met him now, would you fall in love? Would you get married? Sometimes, we hold onto the past so tightly, that we forget that it is just that – the past. If that’s the case, then let him go. If, however, this is someone who you can truly see yourself with for the rest of your life, then it is worth trying to salvage. Therapy makes sense, not just for you both as a couple, but as individuals, as well. There is a reason he stepped out of your relationship as soon as he had a hint of a green light. Does he really want to be married? How intense is this connection? You need to find out what was at the root of that. How can you trust that this won’t happen again? He opened this can of worms, so now he has to accept that his actions have consequences. The only way you can build towards a better tomorrow together is to acknowledge where you are in this moment and commit to understanding each other, respecting one another and fighting for what matters…your marriage. And then, time will tell.
DEAR NATALIE: I just remarried and my new husband has never had children in his life before. My kids are older— ages 15 and 19. My eldest is going to community college so he lives at home. My son and husband have been butting heads. I don’t think my son is used to having another man around the house. His father left when he was small and it’s been just the three of us until last year when I met Jeff, my now-husband. They get along fine, but living together is a different thing. Jeff expects him to do chores, get up at a decent hour and help with house repairs since he is living here for free. My son doesn't have a job, so Jeff has been encouraging him to get a part-time one. It’s been causing a lot of arguments and friction in my home. I keep telling Jeff he’s pushing too hard, but he feels as though my son has been walking all over me and doesn’t like to see it. My son, of course, thinks Jeff is overstepping his bounds and that he’s “a man” who doesn’t have to listen to him. I see both sides but my daughter thinks that Jeff has a point. What do you think? How should I handle this? – STUCK IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR WE HAVE ROOM: It can be very challenging when the two most important men in your life aren’t getting along with one another. And Jeff does have a point. There needs to be ground rules in place if your son is going to live with you at home while he goes to school. It’s great that he can save his money while getting an education and not have to pay rent and all the bills that come along with it…especially as the cost of housing continues to soar. But in exchange, there are expectations that should be met or things will boil over. Can you sit down with your son and Jeff and make a plan that works for everyone while he is living at home? What feels achievable? Can he keep his grades up while working part time? If so, great. What does that look like? If not, how can he support the family in ways that are reasonable? While Jeff isn’t his father, he is your husband and is going to feel protective of you. Your son may not be used to having someone in that role and most likely feels a little threatened. Reassuring your son that you love him is important. Establishing boundaries where everyone feels respected is key. If he wants to be a man, he should be treated him like one, which means taking on responsibilities to show everyone that he is growing up and becoming the independent, thoughtful person you want him to be so that he can have a productive and fulfilling life.
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