DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have been trying for a baby now for months and nothing is happening. His family is very traditional (and very wealthy) and expects their grandchildren to “carry on” their legacy of the family businesses. I have been tested for fertility issues and everything is fine on my end. We recently realized that it is my husband’s issue causing us to not be able to become pregnant. Of course, I don’t blame him, this is just how things go. However, he is very embarrassed and wants to blame me when we are around his family as to why we can’t conceive. I told him that wasn’t fair or accurate. He said if we don’t have a baby, then our passive income from his family will be substantially reduced. I make a very good living and don’t care that much about his family’s money, especially if these are the terms attached to it. It has put a huge strain on our marriage. I love him very much and we’ve been together six years, but I won’t be his family’s punching bag. How do I get him to share the truth about the situation with his family and explore other options so that we can have a family which we both want? – IT’S COMPLICATED
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DEAR IT’S COMPLICATED: Relationships with in-laws can be challenging and when they hold financial purse strings, things can become very entangled quickly. I’m sorry your husband feels embarrassed, but that is something that he needs to sort out on his own instead of using you as a human shield. I would tell him that if his family brings it up again — and if he isn’t honest about what’s going on — you will be. It isn’t right for him to throw you under the bus. That isn’t love. If he balks at the idea, then you need to ask him what his plan is moving forward. Can doctors help with his infertility? If so, what is the plan? If this is something that can’t be dealt with, is adoption on the table? How about a sperm donor? It is a red flag that he isn’t willing to protect you in this situation. You need to have a hard look at this and ask yourself if you really want to have a child with this man. If he always is putting his own comfort and fears first, where does that leave you and a potential child? Will the enmeshment with his parents only get worse once a baby arrives? And why should they have the right to dictate any of this, anyway? You are willing to walking away from the money…but is he? And if not, what does that say about “for richer for poorer” in those vows he took?
DEAR NATALIE: After years of being a serial monogamist, I’m trying to date casually. It’s part of my personality to open up quickly, but I don’t know how to be open while keeping some of my cards close to my chest. How can I still show up as my authentic self, while not getting too vulnerable too quickly? How do I even know how vulnerable “too vulnerable” is? I’m open to things getting serious with the right person, but I guess I don’t know how to keep things more distant other than maintaining my own time boundaries. I had my heart broken in my last relationship so I am wary to dive into something intense again for a while. My friends said it’s useless and I might as well accept that I don’t know how to just have fun without commitment. Any advice? – TRYING TO HAVE FUN
DEAR TRYING TO HAVE FUN: There are just some people in this world who are “relationship” people and that’s ok! You don’t have to be anything that you aren’t. But because you’ve been burned in the past, I understand your trepidation. Perhaps instead of trying to date others casually, what about dating yourself for a while? Take yourself out on solo dates. Hang out with friends and family who love you and want the best for you. Cultivate some hobbies or things you love to work on. Then, if the right person comes along, there will still be time for them, but you will have other things that you enjoy and want to focus your energy on, too, so it won’t be as difficult to tell them that you “have plans.” There is nothing wrong with being a person who is vulnerable, emotive and committed. But finding someone who is worthy of that vulnerability and emotional commitment is the reason it may be good to set some healthy boundaries for yourself while you get to know them. My grandma used to always say, “Weather someone for a year before you make up your mind about them,” and I couldn’t agree more.
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