DEAR NATALIE: I’m supposed to go on vacation with a friend of 20 years and his wife. I mentioned this to another friend’s partner, and she suggested that her partner would want to come. He’s been our friend for the same amount of time, and he’s a really important person in my life. However, he talks so much and the idea of being with him for a full week is too much to handle. I was ready to consider inviting him and taking it as an opportunity to set boundaries. When I checked in with the friends I’m planning the trip with, they basically said they couldn’t tolerate it if he came with us – even though they love him. I don’t want to lie to our friend, but I don’t want to be fully honest either because I know it will hurt his feelings. What should I do? – CAN’T UNSAY IT
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DEAR CAN’T UNSAY IT: In this case, I think you should fib. What is the point of telling him that nobody wants to travel with him? You’re also allowed to go on a trip with a friend without another friend tagging along. I actually don’t think it was appropriate for your friend’s partner to invite them along, anyway. (But, perhaps they needs a break from his incessant chatter, too!) In any case, not every situation is right for every friendship. If your friend who wants to come brings it up to you, tell them that the plans were already made and the space you are renting only accommodates the three of you. Invite them to do something after your trip and plan a fun day where you are all together. Some people are just not great “travel friends.” A friend who sucks all the air out of the room can be emotionally draining and not exactly what you are wanting when traveling for relaxation and rest. Keep your sanity intact and go without them.
DEAR NATALIE: My best friend and her boyfriend have a tumultuous relationship. They are always fighting and breaking up. It is exhausting. I have been dealing with some serious health issues and have not been as “present” for her because I’ve been in and out of hospitals. My prognosis is not great and it has been difficult for my family. As much as I love her, I can’t talk about her petty nonsense with her boyfriend every time we are on the phone together – especially when she doesn’t even seem to care about what I am going through. She never asks me about how things are going. It’s becoming problematic. How do I tell her that I need more support without coming off as sad or desperate? – I NEED A FRIEND
DEAR I NEED A FRIEND: When I think of a best friend, I think of someone who is there through the highs and lows of life. This is a person who you can lean on and they can lean on you. They don’t judge you and they actively listen in the spirit of love and support. Your bestie sounds self-absorbed. Considering what you are going through – she should be stepping up to the plate to support you in your hour of need – especially when it sounds as though you’ve done that for her all along. Her problem with her partner may seem like the only thing that matters, but guess what? Everyone has their struggles and while she maybe knee-deep in her own drama, it wouldn’t hurt her to think outside of herself and listen to you for a moment. You are not sad or desperate for wanting that. You are human. I suggest you connect with other friends or family members who you can turn to for support and who reciprocate the friendship you share with them. Life is too precious to waste on people who only care about themselves.
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