DEAR NATALIE: My ex-boyfriend and I have been on and off for years. He has a terrible temper, which has been the reason for most of our “off” periods. He’s never actually hit me, but he becomes very threatening and verbally abusive. My friends and family have witnessed it over the years and they have always told me to drop him. But I really love him and recently I found out that I am pregnant. He wants to get married now and is so excited about the baby coming. I am scared because I worry about his temper. Whenever I bring it up, he tells me that he has “changed,” but I don’t know if I trust him. I don’t know if bringing a baby into this situation is smart, either. I have contemplated an abortion, as well, but would never tell him as I don’t know how he would react. I am only about eight weeks along. What do you think I should do?
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– CONFLICTED AND CONFUSED
DEAR CONFLICTED AND CONFUSED: While I cannot make a decision for you about your body – that is between you and your doctor – I do understand your hesitation in tying yourself to someone that has shown to be abusive towards you time and time again. First ask yourself: Do you want to be a mother? Do you want a family? Is this the right time for a baby? If you feel as though you could have a child and walk away should the situation become abusive, then consider your options. If you feel, however, that having a child would force you to have to rely on this man financially, sit with that. People don’t change overnight. It takes hard work and a willingness to reflect and grow. If he hasn’t done the work, then where is this change coming from? I would contemplate what your life would be like with him. Does it make you feel happy when you think about it? Scared? Nervous? No one should have to walk on eggshells to accommodate someone else’s unregulated emotions. It is not your job to “fix” him, either. Sometimes, life lessons can be very difficult, and this may be one for both of you. Whatever you decide, please choose yourself. You deserve a life free from abuse. We all do.
DEAR NATALIE: My close friends have an awesome beach house and always tell us that we can come down and spend time with them whenever we want to. We have two kids, and they have three kids, so it is always fun when we are all together. Well, we are planning on visiting next week and had everything planned but their oldest daughter, who is 12, decided she wanted to have a few friends visit her before school starts. My friend called me to tell me that they would have to cancel on us because of this change of plans. I was really upset, as we had taken time off of work and had made this our vacation for the summer. It’s now too late to rent a beach house, as this is the end of the season. My friend knew I was annoyed and said to me: “It isn’t my fault that you don’t have a beach house.” I couldn’t believe she said that. Now I just feel angry and hurt by her. I don’t want this to impact our relationship, but how do I tell her that it was incredibly rude what she said and it was rude what she did, canceling on us at the last minute? – THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS
DEAR THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS: It actually is her fault that you don’t have a beach house, taking this purely at face value. If we take it with undertones, she’s speaking in an elitist way, which isn’t pretty. No matter how you dice that sentence up, it was rude and unnecessary. I appreciate her wanting to appease her daughter, but she did promise you the week. I wouldn't make plans to stay with her again – at least for the foreseeable future since she is so unreliable. And while it may be challenging, why not try looking for a house to rent somewhere else? Use the opportunity to go on an adventure that could be out of your comfort zone. It may not be ideal, but sometimes we just have to pivot. Good things can come out of it. It could be a blessing in disguise. And speaking of blessings – now you know who she is and you can react accordingly. Unless she apologizes and realizes that she was out of line, you are under no obligation to talk with her. I don’t know if she didn’t understand the impact or just didn’t care, but right now it would be better if she keeps her distance.
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